Another recent post...

So it's 1:35 am and I just returned home about 30 min ago from work and the grocery store. I'm staying up without sleep so I can turn around and go back to work again in a few short hours. Leave here about 4:40am so I can arrive at work shortly after 5am when the building opens. Working an extra 7 hours on top of the 10 hours... making it a total of 17 hours worked for Tuesday! See, I am crazy. Lol. (wink wink)

I wouldn't do such a thing, except I did miss out on 19 hours with the exception of 5 because my supervisor put 5 hours down of my sick or vacation time so... I need to make up the time for my paycheck. I only make $10/hr as it is, and I can't even survive on that alone. So here I am killing time.

I feel kinda bad. I texted T a lot while I was at work today (Monday, even tho it's technically Tue) ... and I just vomitted a whole bunch of verbal vomit via texting. He knows I've been unhappy and he knows that our relationship has been one-sided. He says that is why he told me that he doesn't think he could be in a relationship ever again. Why he chooses to live alone and probably never marry again. I don't care about the libido issues.... I don't. All I've ever needed/ wanted was to feel love. To hear those 3 darn words "I love you"... is that so bad? I hear him tell his dog and cats that every time I'm over at his home. Why can't he give me the same affection and love? I don't get it. Is that truly too much to ask?

I suppose things will be a little different now. I said a lot of things. I told him how I've been feeling etc. I love that man so much and I've given everything I have had to give. So yah, it has been one-sided for a long time. I just don't think it is fair. I've tried looking at it from every angle possible. I've thought about how all I've ever wanted in my life was to find someone who would love me, truly love me. That if I was in a bad accident or something, lose a leg or two, or smash my face up bad, whatever... be in a wheelchair... that the man in my life wouldn't leave me because of it. That he'd stay in my life and love me forever. Maybe this is unrealistic, I don't know? But anyway, it dawned on me one day -almost like an answer to a prayer that it wasn't that I would find someone who would be like this, but that I had to be that person I had hoped to find. I had to love someone in the way I hoped to have someone love me. That even though T was not the same man anymore, I was to love him anyway as I would want to be loved. And I've done this. Why am I still so unhappy? I guess because even though I have given so much love -even in the way that T would feel love... not the way I would feel love... it's not enough I guess. I just never received any love in return. Not in the way that I feel love. I should be careful how I word this.

Remember a few posts back when I commented that not everyone feels love the same way? For me, I feel love when it is expressed. Either verbally or through hugs and kisses. Any sort of affection. I don't need gifts. I don't need any sort of materials. Though I have wanted flowers etc. What can I say, I like flowers. Even so, I like the cheapy ones, daisies.... hell, they can be hand picked off the side of a road and I'd be happy that someone thought of me to do it. I'm easy damn it. And those 3 simple little words that mean so much. That's all I've ever wanted. So, back to being careful because I can't say that T hasn't shown me any love at all. He has spent a lot of quality time with me. (His way of feeling loved is when someone gives of their time) Because I know this... I know he has shown me love in the way he feels love. Then why... why... can't he show me love the way I need love? I have given him of my time many times over. I have watched the movies he wants to watch. I have eaten dinner at the restaurants of his choice. I have done what he wants to do most of the time. Can't say that he hasn't watched any of the movies I prefer, as recently and a few sparing times he has gone with me to the film of my choice, adding... practically twisting his arms too. LOL.

And T has bought me a couple things. He bought me Quicken program to manage my finances. He just recently bought me a very nice Bible that I've been looking for... a perfect size to carry with me so I may read at any time and with a nice soft binder. Which has meant the world to me. And I'll never forget the times he has helped me with my car even though he was achingly tired. That too meant the world to me. And I told him so. I was truly grateful and always will be.

I don't want to lose T. I love T with all my heart and soul. I always will. I sometimes regret when I speak so openly and share almost too much. I like what I have with T. We're great friends and we have fun times together. I suppose I feel lost nonetheless. As much as I fear losing what we have, I fear what the future holds too. Will I actually make it to the next day? Will I actually drive my car to work and not to the Grand Canyon or some edge to just drive over? It is so tempting and I think of it every second of the day. How easy it would be to do. Remind T and my parents that I did seek help... and through work too... and a lot of good it did me. I wonder if there's a good lawsuit there if I do commit suicide? Someone could at least make a few riches after I leave... hmmmmm ... I wonder. (hint hint) (bad laughing, I know) That money could pay for the damages I have caused financially though. All the money borrowed from parents that I have never been able to pay back. It could pay for the funeral expenses etc. But then again, Wendy, if I donate my bod for medical purposes and research, hmmm maybe there wouldn't be any funeral expenses then, eh? I'll have to seriously look into that some more. Become a bit familiar and set up an appt with my attorney about my will etc. Make it easier so that no family members will have to make any decisions while I'm gone. They'll already be made by me. I seriously need to get on the ball about this. (hmmm note to self)

Anyway, I'm at a standstill unsure of what I'm going to do. I suppose like most things, there just isn't much time anyway. I'm trying to bury myself into work too. People say it helps. I don't know though, we have a lot of downtime at work and even though I'm working, because I can do what I do almost blindfolded... even though I'm busy, I'm not busy enough to keep my mind from rolling in all different directions.

God help me. If there truly is a God. I question even that now these days too. I want to believe. I have tried believing. Maybe I'll make that appointment to go skydiving soon and just not let my parachute open. That's a new thought I've had today. I've always wanted to go skydiving... and that would be so easy too. Splat! Gone. Easy.

My fears of the afterlife, have kept me alive though. I do fear consequences. Why can't I just not exist? Why can't it be possible to erase an existence? So I wouldn't exist even after here. I've been wondering how to make it happen. Anyone have any answers on this one? I have wished many a times that my mother never had me. I've never wanted to exist. But as sure as the rock on the ground, or the cement on the driveway... or this or that... as they exist so do I. Damn it. How does something switch from existence to non-existence? It's not possible is it? Even if a bomb or some sort of explosion, even though my body would disintegrate, my soul still exists. Dang it. I've even thought of selling my soul to the devil... but then I'd still exist. Ugh. Sigh. If the devil truly exists. But what if all we've ever been told -is not? What if there isn't a God? What if the God we believed in is not a God but something else? Just what if? What if the world as we know it -is not? What if the universe etc... is something entirely different than we have been taught? How does anyone even know these things for certain anyway? What if the Bible was written by man and not God? Have you ever wondered?

I mean, how the hell do we know anyway? Does faith really exist? Or is it man-made too? What if we die and there really isn't anything else? What if our bodies really do become nothing but dust and our spirits die too? What if there is nothing after this life? I mean we are told these things by men. How the hell do they know? They're here too. They're not some godly spirit from God telling us these things. And how do we know that any spirits that have visited men really did? How do we know these men didn't just make up some dumbass stories? Please pardon my language but I'm so frustrated.

I cannot and will not ever go back to the LDS religion. It has confused my mind in so many ways. And I have never met so many darn hypocrites anywhere else. Granted I have many good LDS friends, and just like there are in many religions some great people, there are also some serious nutcases too. I guess I've become one. I don't know. I just question a lot of things anymore.

I was in trouble a lot on my mission too because I always had so many questions. And oddly enough, none of them were ever answered. Just brushed aside as though they didn't matter. I need not ask such things. I must have faith. What the hell? No answers? I shouldn't ask questions?

Well, needless to say, I'm reading the Bible that T got for me. I've never read the Bible in its entirety and so I've begun the quest to do so. We'll see how it goes. I want to believe in God, I do. I guess I have just always felt that he was out playing golf with other executives and too busy to hear my prayers. I haven't received answers that I've noticed. Not for a long time. And I've prayed. Believe me, I've prayed. I just always feel I'm nothing but a burden or bother to him/her and anyone else. "That's ok God, go on and continue with your golf game, this isn't really all that important anyway." I'd always think. Far be it for me to interrupt any fun or business. Seems I'm always a bother to most men anyway. Even my Dad was too busy for me all my life. Still is. Always will be. Funny how he was always home... business in the home, but even though he was physically around, he never was mentally or emotionally. I can practically imitate the hand wave to 'go away' as I always saw it. Or that 'on the phone eye squint and hand wave' ..."CHRISTY!, damn it, I'm busy! Go away!" I've lost count how many times I received that in my lifetime.

So you see, I guess my own personal relationship with my own father here on earth, hasn't been all that grand... and it has taken many many years to develop some sort of relationship. He's always busy unless it's relating with food. Invite dad to a lunch date or dinner date... and he'll make the time. Let's go try this new restaurant and he'd love to join in the fun. But oh wait, talk? Visit? Questions? Um, he's busy and he'll have to reschedule.

I suppose because of my relations with my own dad,... I don't have so good a relationship with God either. I thought I did... or at least I tried. But like I said, I guess I felt I was always talking to the air... as I have many times with my own dad because he wasn't really listening anyway. So how am I to believe it would be different with God? And even if God is a woman... it's no different with my own mother too. Even when I start to have a conversation with my mother, she's half listening or 3/4ths listening to my dad on the phone and his conversation with someone else, yep and in a different room. I'll be in mid-sentence and she'll be hollering out at my dad relating to something he's discussing with some other person on the phone... not with her! Hello? Was I not saying something? Gosh, I guess what I have to say is just never important. So why should I even bother to attempt anything?

So yah, even with prayers with God, I wonder if I'm talking to air/space... a brick wall. Seems I always am with any other form of parent here. Why would it be any different if he really is our heavenly father... as I've been told... I suppose I would think he'd be busy listening to the other callers calling him. Surely there are more important issues than mine. I wonder if I'm just selfish for wanting his/her time. Or anyone's time. So I try to be of no bother. Then when I do speak up or say something -I feel bad anyway. I've wasted someone's time. Time. Time is always a big thing. No one has it either. Esp to give. So I wouldn't want to take anyone's precious time away from them.

I guess I am quite cynical... but do you or anyone blame me? As I share more of my life and things I have gone through and continue to go through... why shouldn't I be? And sadly, I'm being completely honest. Talk about feeling naked. Hello everyone! See my nakedness as I open my feelings, my heart completely. Ugh what a sight huh? Sorry. Perhaps I should cover my nakedness and walk away. Hope I didn't waste your time, again.

More later.