Confused

I don't even know how to post what's really going on in my head without coming across looney. I just don't even know what to say anymore.

I feel so alone. I don't have the support one should normally have from family. The only family that does support me lives far away.

I'm walking distance from immediate family and that alone makes me want to cringe. I've always wanted to be close with my family. Perhaps that is my first mistake. I tell ya, it just kills me how much bickering and fighting goes on in my family. There is more fighting than anything else. Today is my nephew's birthday and I can't even wish him a happy birthday knowing that the effort will just go in vain. I don't know why I have tried so hard for all these years to maintain any sort of peace. My sister wants all the attention, well she can have it now. It's all hers.

I can't seem to get the image of the Grand Canyon out of my mind.

I want to skip work tomorrow and just for a long drive and do a Thelma/Louise jump. Why not? Life seems so dreary lately anyway. No matter how hard I try either in this way or that, seems it's always wrong and I'm just upsetting one person or another anyway.

I do want to wipe out the existence of who I have always been... and start over. Is that even possible? Is it ok to change a name without getting married? Truly I am not happy and I don't know what to do. I feel so stuck in so many ways, it's pathetic. I only let others down all the time anyway. I'm sorry y'all for that. Seems the harder I try, the more I let everyone down.

I may be helping one person over here, but I've left another over there... I can't seem to do anything right. It's very upsetting and I feel I only hear about all my failures instead of anything good. So why the hell am I still here then? I'm surprised no one has shot me dead. (pathetic laugh)

I think I'll go try dreaming and see if I may get my mind in a different direction. I have always been positive and optimistic... so here's a view into my dark side. Sorry again. But hey, don't we all have one? We just hide it. Disguise it. It's evil/bad. Not how we're supposed to be. Well tonight I'm being super open and honest.

Oh and by the way, no immediate family in Mesa has access to this site any longer.

This is totally private and only a small few have the privilege of viewing... so hence my willingness to open up.

G'nite.