Mixed emotions

So I broke down and cried at work. I really shouldn't have gone in yesterday anyway. I was practically in tears on the road. I got to work, sat at my desk, stared at the computer monitor and put my head in my hands. I just didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere. Then I was in the office of my supervisor and she's explaining some project for me to work on ... as I've been working like lightning at work lately and finishing off the files etc so there haven't been any files to work -ha lol. There are now a total of 6 of us in my dept and the other 5 work during the morning/day shift and I'm the only evening shift. So I have been working all the files (rather quickly tee hee) ... it's only expected to do 5/hour and I've done as many as 15/hr. Just to prove a point. I don't want to be in this dept. Another dept wants me to join their dept actually and I prefer it but was turned down. My supervisor won't let me go. So I decided to do all the work - that was commented in an email that I am not able to go because of all the assigned work in my dept. So I was rapidly getting all the work done so there was no work to do just to be a smart ass.

So when my supervisor was showing me this so-called new project, she commented that it would keep me busy because there are like 3400 to work. I was in a completely different mental place anyway, and wasn't even hearing the words she spoke, while she explained how to do it. I finally told her that I can't be at work today (yesterday). She looked at me and I told her that I need counseling. I was lucky I made it into work at all this week. I was truly struggling.

Mary, my previous supervisor was in the room too and she said she's worried. So the tears started to flow. I couldn't control them. I just wanted to run. I didn't want to say too much. Didn't want to appear a fool.

So my supervisor printed out a list of counselling people... oh and fortunately for me it's quite costly but worth it. (enter sarcasm) I just can't afford it. Yah on my whole measely $10/hr job pay. So I left. Stopped at gas station, drove home. Texted T, my friend Meg caught me before I left as she saw me in the office and with a kleenex box and when I left with the paper folded in hand - you can only guess what she imagined was going on. Yep she thought I was holding onto a severence paper. Poor gal, I worried her... she called me and we talked. Then T called and we talked.

Meg totally understands my condition. It was so nice to have someone actually share a part of it and for me to hear the words "I understand'... wow someone actually understands. (not being sarcastic, truthfully) She has been diagnosed with depression and since she was 6 yrs old she had been suicidal too. I tell ya, I've met only one other person in my life who has the same condition as I do. WOW I sooooooooo needed to know I'm not alone.

Granted I know that others have felt suicidal at times... it's an entirely different thing though when a person feels it 24/7 in each day of a lifetime. I've battled it for as long as I can remember. I take medication because of it. So ok yah, I missed taking my meds a few days and sure got the look and lecture from my man T. He reminds me that he has to take his thyroid pill everyday for the rest of his life and he has no choice. I know, I know... I do. I was just being lazy the last few days and would hit the pillows at night and too lazy to reach for the pill and water. Yah yah... it always has a big time effect on me if I don't take the darn meds... sometimes I just hate the fact I have to take a drug everyday. It makes me sleepy and lethargic. If I don't take my vitamins to counter affect the side effects of the drug... well yah there ya have it, I go through all the side effects of the meds and feel tired all the time. It's my own fault, I know. Grrrr.

However, a few other things have come into the picture as well and haven't been of any help. T and I had a long talk the other night. He tells me that he may never want to marry again. He may never want to live with anyone again. He prefers being alone.

So I start thinking/ pondering. Ok so what is it that I want? I don't necessarily have to be married. And I told him this. I've even told him I'm ok with not having kids, since he thinks he's too old for them. I've managed to accomodate my life to how he prefers his... is this fair? Even I wonder. I have told him "I'm not your ex wife"... but that doesn't matter... he still doesn't want to live with anyone. Apparently he says it never works out. He's too selfish. He likes things his way. Blah blah blah. I know he's selfish. I've told him, and that I still love him anyway. Am I a sucker? I don't know. I've always tried to be the accomodating one in any relationship. I'm thinking maybe this is the end of the line.

I'm starting to wonder what it is that I really want out of my life. I've personally always wanted a child. I would love to get myself to a better place financially and be able to adopt a child. I don't really care that much if I marry or not. That has never been a top priority for me. I've wanted it before I think because it was drilled into me as a child that it's what you are supposed to do, esp when LDS. Or it's a societal thing. I don't know. I've reached a point where all the other relationships I've been in... have been hellish and I'd rather keep to myself too. On the contrary, when I met T, I was in this mode, and didn't care to be with anyone... and if he was cool with just being friends we could hang out etc. And we did. It immediately became more because he pursued me and instigated wanting to know/discuss what we were -in a relationship, being exclusive etc. So after that typical discussion in most relationships we became an item.

And I'll tell ya, our one year anniversary is coming up June 22nd. We looked it up. We met online in May of last year and didn't actually meet in person for another 5 weeks which brought us at June 22nd. He was going through chemo and all the cancer stuff. I met him when he was bald. Talk about emotions everywhere.

Made it through all the craziness of life/death issues. Even broke up once for two weeks and got back together. Now we're facing our one year mark. And I'm realizing maybe we really do want different things. I thought I could accommodate myself and make it work. And if he were really willing to do the typical relationship - live together, possible marriage routine. We'd probably have a good chance. We're good friends and love each other's company... we get along really good actually. However, I do irritate him as most everyone does... and he just prefers to be alone. He is a loner type personality anyway.

So I'm pondering. Do I stay with someone who doesn't care if I live in a different state or not? Do I stay with someone who can't even say the words "I love you" to me? Do I stay with someone who lacks in physical intimacy? Do I stay with someone where I may never have a child, even one? Do I stay with someone who always views everything including me with a critical eye? Should I stay with someone who loves his dog more than me? I swear I think if his dog died he would actually cry, and feel something, but if I die, he'd just go to work the next day as if nothing had happened. Indeed he told me this... otherwise how would I know. Sad huh? He said he'd miss me of course... but it wouldn't have any affect on him. Because of his views of death etc.. he's not afraid of dying -etc etc etc.

I think I do want more romance in my life. And I'll admit, at first we did have all that... in fact it was the best I had ever experienced. I truly felt loved. Had I not experienced that I probably wouldn't have invested my time and love. I do love T very very much. I think highly of him and adore him. He has many wonderful qualities that make him so easy to love. He has treated me very good.

I look at things differently now though. I've sacrificed so much in this relationship. And I would do it again, please don't get me wrong. I'm just wondering if this is the actual direction I want to be heading. When I've been told all these things and given the chance to somewhat foretell what the future could be... that is going in this direction in this relationship anyway... would I, should I stay? When there could be so much more out there for me.

I'm thinking I will still move forward in my plans to go to Cali for make-up school etc. I think that would be good for me. Granted I never really wanted a career of any sort... so this is kinda hard for me. I always wanted to be a mother and wife. But that doesn't seem to be in the works for me. And I do want to prove I can be a success in something. At least with make-up I know I'd be good at it. And I'd be in the environment of film and entertainment. Gosh who wouldn't like that? tee hee. I know some wouldn't, but I sure would love it.

I think I could eventually make a better salary and be financially secure with this field. It would allow me to adopt a child and not be married. I think I would like that. I feel so alone all the time. I at least want to experience being a mother and having a child to teach things to and to love. I have soooooooooo much love to give and always seems nowhere to give it. I think a part of me dies when I can't be the person I want to be and actually have someone to love etc. It's quite sad. I know.

I wonder if I seem overwhelming at times because of it. I truly try not to be. I do put the effort forward.

So my mind is working and thoughts are processing. I'll keep you posted.

Oh and yah I'm seriously going to look for work elsewhere. lol. I can't live on the paycheck I have... since the demotion and all. The cut in pay has really put me in a big bind. I'm discovering I may be able to do the same work I do at a school and make more money. So I'm going to look into it. T emailed me a position available at a community college near me. Woohoo! So we'll see. It would at least allow me to take a class or two and I could do that while waiting for next year to attempt the second try at getting a loan for the preferred school I want to attend.

Ok, I've got to get some running in or something before I meet my friend for late lunch. Gotta keep training for that Disneyland half marathon. The actual training begins this week. The other running I've been doing was just prepatory to my actual training schedule. So training actually begins this week! We're gonna do it folks! The race is still on of course. We're running in this half marathon end of Aug/beg Sept for sure!

I think more than anything... if T and I do not stay in a relationship... we will always be friends. So things are good. I'm just working through my thoughts and trying to make a few decisions.

It sucks that I don't have really any love in my life. My immediate family just walking distance away... we're not even talking. It just kills me. I'm trying to manage. And now the one person I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with and whom I love dearly is now telling me it may never happen. His career is his number one priority etc. And may always be that way. I personally don't think I'd be happy in the long run. Even though I think I could manage with such a relationship I don't think I'd be happy though.

So this realization has my mind going in many directions at one time. I also think it stemmed the emotional break down at work yesterday. I just cried and cried. Not like a sobster or anything, but the tears just didn't stop. Gosh I feel like such a nut case. Oh well.

Mentally I'm working things out in my head... I'll eventually figure it all out. And hopefully maintain some sanity too.

Like I did mention in previous posts... I will be letting out my emotions in the next few blogs... maybe for a while to get through these emotions and feelings in a good manner without being admitted into an asylum of some sort.

After my lunch date with my dear friend... I'm going to hit the library and pick up those books suggested from Wendy. Thank you darlin'. :)

More later... hope y'all are having a good Saturday! Yay at least it's the weekend and I can have some mental time to myself. Lol.