Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Is this mean or what?

Ok so how does one mend a broken heart? Hmmmm? I'm going to look this up online.

I've been feeling kinda down about this.

First of all, who grounds their children for a year? Is this common? My sister grounded her daughters from ANY sleepovers for a year for getting marker on carpet. I say, hello it's carpet and kids are gonna make messes. And how the hell did they get the markers anyway? It's gonna happen -right? Granted this happened while the girls had a friend over for a slumber night. So this is fair to ground them from family too? I personally don't think so. (Ok, this is just me venting here)

And indeed I've asked to see my nieces and nephews often!! Thing is, every single time I've asked to take them somewhere or spend time with them, they're either grounded, have something else going on, or chores. And usually the answer is always the same, grounded or chores or both. Jeesh! I'm the AUNTIE and I work full time for crying out loud. The only time I have available in between other weekends that are busy and full... are an occasional saturday or sunday. And because Sundays are out due to church and family stuff... saturday is the only day I have to ask. And that's only an occasional Saturday. I have a life too people. So, why do I get a tad upset or my feelings hurt whenever I do ask to see them and they're never available? Because this is every occasion I do ask. So what does a person do? I personally stop asking.

So I'm accused of NEEEEVER asking to see them! What the hell is that about? Mouth dropping effect of drama! Jeesh! I can't stand drama. My sister apparently is all about it! Talk about yelling and the whole surprised distorted mouth dropping AHWWW WHAT? Complete denial. And of all things, my parents believe her. I swear they really do see nothing but a halo on her head. The girl can do no wrong. (head shaking in disgust)

I'm not saying I'm an angel or anything because I'm so far from it. But neither is she.

I discovered a friend of mine who had been talking with my sister over the phone and my friend told me that my sister has been talking crap about me and my boyfriend. Naturally I believe it, only because I've heard my sister say things before... and I'm pissed because she's been talking about me and T behind our backs. And honestly, what the hell? She has only seen my boyfriend twice in the last year we've been together. And both times he has either been on chemo or really sick and tired. Due to meds etc. So her comments about him being too mellow are seriously out of line. He was struggling to stay awake the time she did see him. And he continued on to go to her house after a family dinner for my sake since it was my birthday even though he wasn't feeling up for it. (Just because he doesn't sound like a tornado hit the home when arriving as her family does, including her and her husband) So yah, I was disgusted by it. I mean really, the guy was going through cancer treatments, have some respect. She doesn't even know him and already has all these pre-judgements. I sooooo can't stand that when people are so judgemental. Why? What makes them so wonderful in comparison?

And lastly, it was my nephew's birthday June 2nd. I learned that there was a birthday party for him -with family and friends. I was not invited. That hurts. Granted I do not get along with the parents, but I would have liked to have had the choice to attend or not. I am his Auntie and jeesh why does the conflict have to involve the separation of children and family/relatives. It was also admitted that my sister's husband doesn't want me anywhere near the kids. My goodness. And he has left nasty messages on my cell phone calling me 'crazy' and 'psycho'.

I realize I have different viewpoints on things and I've left the church. Just because I live a different lifestyle and choose to find God going a different path, doesn't make me a psycho or crazy person. But oh well.

I'm just sad, lonely and aching from no love in my family. It really hurts. They are walking distance and we have so much anger and hostility. Totally sux.

I am grateful though for my family -my bro and his wife in Tennessee. At least they understand what I go through and where I'm coming from with all the family drama crap. Thank you M-girl for helping me to keep my head on straight at times. It totally means the world to me. {Mwah mwah}

And also for my dear cousin Wendy on the East Coast. You're awesome too! Thank you for caring so much and for being a part of my life. {{Hugz}}

I just needed to vent. Once again. Like I mentioned before, this will be my therapy for awhile.

I needed to get this out somewhere.

6 comments:

Wendy said...

Dudess, that sucks! I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with your family right now. Is there one thing that set this all into motion recently or is it just a mess of things over time as it seems?

Not cool on their part for talking about you or Tony (especially under the circumstances) and definitely not cool leaving messages on your cell phone and not wanting you to see the kids. That's bull!!!! BULL!!!!!

Here's my devil's advocate part though on the grounding and chores business. Sometimes there is a lot that goes into consequences for kids that people outside the home don't understand. Grounding for a year sounds extreme, but since having kids, I can honestly say I won't judge anyone for most choices they make regarding consequences unless it is totally abusive. I am really strict and I'm sure people think I'm a total jerk, but I really want my kids to grow up with a strong work ethic, social consciousness and be kind people. It is frickin' hard let me tell you, especially when everywhere kids go and look it is all about consume and party, consume and relax, consume and consume. Buy this. Eat this. Wear this. Don't be too fat. Don't be too thin. Think only of yourself and then hate yourself for not living up to the impossible expectations your culture lays on you. blah. blah. blah. Our soceity is ridiculously shallow and I try to keep my kids in tight because I hope that they will learn more from life than that and not get wrapped up in it. It's no way to live, succeed or be happy, in my opinion. I know I make a lot of mistakes and sometimes being so strict backfires, but parenting is way harder and more frustrating than anything I have ever done. ANYWAY... I didn't mean to go off on that tangent. The point is with my kids, chores and consequences for their actions always come first and 9.8 times out of 10, I don't care if that fits into anyone else's schedule or offends them or not.

Once this blows over, maybe you can try talking to Andrea and see what would work for everyone regarding seeing your nieces and nephews. Maybe you can go over some night and play a board game or take them for breakfast before chores or something. There's surely a way to find something that works for everyone. Unfortunately, it sounds like you'll have to be super flexible and put up with some bullshit, but it can be done. (*This just reminded me of another tangent) But... when it comes to disciplining them, I'd totally be Switzerland on that one. Vent on here. Swear at them all the way home. Vent to friends. Vent to Tony, but otherwise just go with it, because expressing your opinion (even if it's totally valid) is only going to draw a thicker deeper line between everyone. Nothing you say about parenting to Andrea or Ben(?) is going to change a thing for the kids. It will only make them get mad at you.

As for my other tangent, here is a metaphor for you. There is a guy who comes to yoga where I go sometimes and he is LOUD! He moans. He grunts. He totally sounds like he is having rough and wild sex with himself during yoga class. Plus he sweats a lot and it drips and splashes on other people's mats. It's disturbing and gross. We were talking about this with the teacher who is also our teacher trainer. Another student mentioned a meditation retreat she took and there was a similar problem. Some guy got all loud and grunty during meditation. MEDITATION!!! and he sat right behind her. She couldn't focus. She was getting mad. Finally she went to the leader and voiced her complaint and the leader said, "That is your practice. You need to learn to meditate with grunty guy behind you and not allow him to disturb you." So maybe that is your challenge.

It sounds like this family issue will take some time to unravel and heal, but when it does, maybe being the bigger person is your practice. It's a difficult path and sometimes it feels unfair, but the reward is less drama and anyone who acts like an asshole will be the lone asshole standing while you'll have nothing on your conscience. Change has to start somewhere and there's power in being the driver.

Christy said...

Hey cuz, in answer to your first question, both actually. This has been a mess over time and recent events. I'm just catalogging my feelings so I can organize my thoughts and feelings and get my life back. I've let circumstances dictate how I'm going to feel etc. I want to take control back and not let circumstances decipher my own personal happiness and attitude.

So I'm counseling with professionals and I'm also working through my own therapy of writing. Tee hee.

I totally understand what you feel as a parent. And I've looked at it from that perspective too. I guess I was mainly upset because I could see grounding children from sleepovers at friends and vice versa but family? I just don't get it. And I do agree to parenting at one's own choice of whatever works and not worrying about offending others etc. I do understand that... I guess I felt a direct hit/insult at me with the current circumstances going on.

There's a lot to it, I've only touched on a few things that have been irritating me up until recent. I'm working on my inner feelings and constructively organizing what's in my head. Lol.

Oh and believe me, I'm sure with all the crap in society and expectations galore... parenting these days is a super chore in itself. I truly admire those who aim to be good parents and at the same time get hit with all sorts of ridicule and finger pointing. It's nonsense. There's a ton of it, and I'm no exception.

Even I have to work at it. I have had long discussions with my sister in the past. She has brought a few things to my attention that I didn't consider. However, there are a lot of things I do consider, and it is quite the insult to my intelligence when my thoughts of any matter are disregarded simply because I am not a parent. I may not have the day to day lifestyle of having a child under my roof/wing etc... but I have been around many children in my life and I have worked daycare with over 40 children at a time. I do know how to maintain control of a situation and to discipline children in an efficient manner. I do understand also these were not my own chidren and I know this makes a huge difference.

I guess it is just so upsetting when anything I have to say regardless of being a parent or not, my words are just heresay and what the hell do I know? ..attitude in my family. No one gives a rat's patootie what I have to add. So I get irritated.

I'm working on this though. I really am. It's just ugly right now.

I butt heads continuously with my sister, her husband, and my parents. I've even discussed a few things with my friends who are parents and have children... to ask if I'm out of line in my views etc. When I brought this up, oh my gosh, my sister wanted names of who I spoke with. What's that about? Jeesh. As if I make up what I say. I'm just tired of the immaturity in conversations and one cannot hold a mature discussion. So I've walked away for awhile.

Oh and I have been super flexible over time, I guess I just blew a gasket and got tired of being the only one bending over backwards all the time.

Thank you for sharing your experience in yoga with mr. loudster. Lol. That's awful. I can imagine the frustration of fellow yogans. I think I would be too... but at the same time I'm pretty good at tunnel vision and closing things out around me. I always have been... with the exception of extreme cases. What the instructor said is true though and I agree. What a challenge for sure. Thank you for the reminder :)

I hear you on being the bigger person. And please know that over the last many years I have been that person. I've been the peacemaker. I think I've finally gone mad over it. Peacemaker can't do it anymore. Peacemaker threw hands up and walked away for good this time. Peacemaker quit.

I do totally agree with change and being the driver. So here I am working on my inner self. Granted that also takes action, I know. Sometimes that action is walking away. Right now that is my action. I've always been the one trying to mend everything... I'm just too exhausted from over exerting efforts. I'm done.

I need peace and serenity for myself. And sometimes finding that inner peace means staying away from the cause of the distress and worry.

I know your heart is in the right place girlie, and please know I sooooo appreciate it. Thank you for your comments. I look forward to them.

LuvYou,
Christy :)

Christy said...

Ooops... I meant, I know and understand what you mean as a parent, not FEEL... I know I can't totally understand how you feel since I'm not a parent. Just want to clarify and correct my wording before I lose meaning.

Wendy said...

I didn't want that to sound like, "you don't know because you're not a parent," because I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT! People can imagine what things are like.

But, I've actually been there. Barb and I went through training for fostercare and adoption and we heard stories and were so, "I would never!" and thought some parents were totally out of line. Now we've done similar things that we said we would never do. It's humbling, let me tell ya.

Anyway, I get you on all the trying to be the bigger person and smooth stuff over thing. Sometimes it's just impossible, but it's always a useful intention that can help you preserve yourself, if nothing else.

When there's a problem with other people (or work or anything really) my philosophy is the best thing to do is think about what I did or can do differently. It's empowering, I think. Putting all the responsibility and blame on others just leads to a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. That doesn't mean going around feeling sorry and wrong about stuff, but just thinking, "okay, I tried that, but it didn't work, so what can I do now?" So, when I comment, please keep in mind I don't know the entire story, so there really is no judgement there and I don't want to suggest you have or haven't done anything. I admit I have no clue. I can just sense you feel a hopeless sense about the situation and I'm trying to offer generic advise for your consideration. So, just take that for whatever it's worth.

I hope stuff works out for you and your family soon. I don't believe everyone needs immediate bio family in their lives and sometimes do better far away with their own families of their own creation. But, it sounds like you are struggling with finding the right balance that works for you between having close family and having no family. It sounds confusing, but you'll get there.

Christy said...

Oh I so know what you mean cuzzie. I know your heart is certainly in the right place. I also know you mean no judgment at all. I was just making statements in general.

Seems we look at things with similar viewpoints. I do try to be positive in most situations. And I've always looked at situations thinking/wondering how can I turn this into a positive situation etc.? How can I make this better? You are so right about that. Pondering how something was handled and if could have been done differently etc. I seriously try to look at varying angles and different viewpoints. I try to see how someone else may be looking at something or from their shoes per se.

I guess I just needed to blow off some steam. I feel with my personal blog I can do that. Esp since I don't allow my parents or my sister any permission to view it anymore.

The whole blogging thing became a target for being cold and mean. So I limit my permissions and have made it even more private. I need a place to vent and be myself without any ridicule or fingers pointed.

Granted we should be so blessed to be that way all the time. Unfortunately my family in Mesa doesn't allow me such room, without any drama.

So, I'm just trying to grow and develop into the person I want to be without judgment and religious persecution. Since I don't see things the way they do.

Oh well. And you're right about my seeking balance. I've always sought balance in life and my gosh it's hard. At least from where I sit. It will always be a challenge I'm sure, and one I hope to find. :)

Anonymous said...

Christy..
BELIEVE ME..i KNOW how crazy & nut your sister is....

we are here for you--even though we are all the way over in Tennessee....NEVER FORGET THAT!!!