I'm ok

A new morning, a new day - right? Isn't that how each day should start?

Thank you those of you who wrote me. I know who loves me.

M-girl and Spencer -I'm so sorry I've worried you. I worry myself all the time. The last post is a sneak preview into my mind. I have my madman moments just like everyone. I needed an outlet somewhere and I chose to write something that may or may not be seen... and at least only by those I feel would understand and still love me. ; )

I really appreciate all your love and concern. It means the world to me. You don't really know how much I needed your sweet words expressed to me.

I think I'm doing better this morning. That last post was not the first time I've ever felt this way. Welcome to my world and a closer view at what goes on in my thoughts on a regular basis. I just needed to let it out somehow so I didn't do anything stupid. I haven't had any time to write or vent or anything in a long while and that was sooooooooooooo needed.

I slept in late this morning. I have a lunch date with Amber, an old dear friend I haven't seen in ages... and I'm really looking forward to it. Would you believe, I totally forgot about it though last night? Ugh. Good thing I was able to go to bed... even though I was up until after 2am this morning -unable to sleep... hence the late sleeping in part.

Well, no worries for now ok. As most suicidal people... one can tell I've got plans and I'm keeping them. I just have to keep telling myself about this and that.

I've had issues / episodes like last night all my life. Not just last night. That's why I'm on medication and have been for long time. I seriously needed an outlet last night and I'm triple sorry for worrying y'all. Please know that your responses were so appreciated and I did need them. Thank you for caring. Glad to know the people I tell myself in my head that love me -really do.

Merrianne, your mom wrote me such a sweet email. I've been meaning to comment on a comment similar she wrote on diet divas to me... and I don't know if I ever did or not... I couldn't remember which post the comment was posted. Please tell her 'thank you' and a big hug from me. She hit the hammer on the nail about people who give a lot of love. Her words brought me tears. Any words from a 'mother hen' are so needed too. When I've really needed it the most, I don't feel I ever had that... course my mother would feel betrayed and horrified if I repeated such a thing to her, as I've already told her before... sadly but it is true. I love my mom. I love my dad. I love everyone in my family. It's just kinda funny sometimes, ya know... how people give love in different ways... but is it ever given in the way it is actually needed? People need love in different ways... one person may need hugs. Another words. And another gifts, I suppose... I don't know. And that one person who needs it this one particular way, let's say hugs, actually gets gifts. So is this person ever feeling love? Not from that person who gave gifts.

I don't know if I'm making any sense right now... but anyway... yes this has been communicated with the same people necessary... but when those people don't really listen... what's the point?

I also have a very dear boyfriend indeed... and yet at times I wonder. He doesn't feel anything. I never hear him say the words, "I love you"... We don't kiss. We don't have physical intimacy. And that's ok I guess. I'm trying to be ok with it. I love him. Something occurred to me the other night. How is it that a person can feel absolutely nothing? I watched this movie and it totally disturbed me. I cried and cried. Ever hear of or see "Alpha Dog"? It's based on a true story and it's just awful. I couldn't believe it. T tells me, it's very realistic. I said, 'yah, but didn't it bother you?' No, he says. I totally cried. It got under my skin. Maybe I feel too much. We are total opposites. Funny how that works.

I have soooooooooo many thoughts lately and no one to really express them to... so I'm going to start writing again and post all sorts of crazy feelings and thoughts on here -ok. So please know I'm working through these things.

Wendy, you are amazing. I really needed what you wrote me. Your words are what I needed by far too. I always need these reminders. These are the sort of words I get from T, and he is very helpful as well. I was having a very very low point last night ... and I'll tell ya, the weekend was worst. It's a good thing there are no guns laying around here, cuz Sunday night... for sure I would've used one. It was so heavy on my mind, I almost called a shrink myself. I had to lock myself into my room and force myself to go to work yesterday. The only gun around here, that I'm even aware of... is my 38 bb gun! LOL. It looks real enough to scare even an intruder... tee hee. (ok bad laughing here... that's just my craziness).

I have needed an outlet like this for soooooooo long. Please know I'm ok right now. Wendy, your words snapped something for me in my head... it was just what I needed. Got any good book recommendations? I need stuff like that to keep me going in the right direction. I have been surrounded by craziness that I started to really go crazy.

A true suicidal, as any psychologist or psychiatrist would say... doesn't make plans... or well um doesn't keep them. I say -plans or no plans... when a person says anything about this crap, it could be real. So thank you for taking me serious. Wow, I really didn't mean to cause a stir... and I wasn't joking though either... so it's not like I'm some person calling wolf when there's no wolf either.

I just needed a moment to be real and verbal... and let out what was going on in my head so I could get some sense of it all. I needed some serious head-banging to put my head in order again. I hate this... I deal with this all the time folks. It wasn't just a one-time occasion. However, it did come to a bad boil yesterday... I just knew I had to get it out of my head somehow before I did react.

Wendy, you and T both have it together... I appreciate your straight comments and sharing from your heart. I wish I were that strong. At times I am, and at other times I'm just not. Last night I caved into my feelings... and I was battling them out.

I don't know how to be that strong when I'm around certain family members who know how to make my insides shake and boil. So when I feel that happening, I leave. My sister wasn't going to let me leave. I tried sooooooooo hard, to keep it together, and I knew if I didn't leave, I'd lose it, so when she didn't let me leave, I reached for my cell phone and told her I'd call 9-1-1 if she didn't let me leave. Ugh... I'm not a dramatic person. I can't stand drama. How does one cope with someone who is drama queen? I sure don't know.

I've tried maintaining calm, and I'll tell ya, the words that are exchanged, the accusations are ridiculous. I started with calmness and just looked back at her like, "what the hell is your problem? - look... and to be accused of such nonsense etc... I came unglued. My only resolve is to stay hundreds of yards away. I don't know what else to do.

I was upset last night and the weekend for multitude of reasons... everything came to a head. I have been upsetting T too. Because I'm always late. Because I haven't been keeping my word. Because ... because... because... because... the list seems endless. I just got tired of hearing it. I feel I can't reach or meet expectations all the time. I have a boyfriend who comes very close to perfection. Yep even I have a hard time believing it. He's a genius. And geniuses are not easy to be involved with ... read about any of them.

I love intelligence and I love learning. So I love being around smart people. I feel I lack so short so much. I know, I know, don't compare. I'm always being critically reminded of those things I am not doing or doing wrong. How am I supposed to feel?

My dearest friends will easily comment that I have no sense of time. What I think it actually comes down to is I just don't give a shit about time. It truly doesn't exist anyway. -right? It's man-made. I don't even wear a watch. Jokes have been ongoing for as long as I remember about me and time and they certainly don't go together. Lol. But it bothers my man. He hates being late. He hates that I'm not ready when I say I will be. And believe me, I've worked on it.

And he knows I don't do it on purpose either... I've been super busy lately. I've been on someone else's clock / schedule lately. Here and there -I've been going and going. He says I can't say NO. Which really isn't true. I say NO often enough actually. There are just some things I feel are important that he doesn't. Well, it's not like we don't see eye to eye or anything cuz we do... we just have our moments like any relationship. And he would so be upset right now if he knew I was writing about our relationship. Again, I'm just letting this out.

I think I really will work on a book. I think it would be super therapeutic for me. Whether or not I actually publish the darn thing.

Well I gotta jet... I have now only 15 min to get ready... yeppers late again. Ugh.

My luv to you dear friends/family,
I luv you ; )

ADDITIONAL NOTE: *HA! I wasn't late for that lunch date after-all! I made it right on time! Yay for me ; )