Hi, again...
I've had a bad few days. I didn't go in to work for 3 days last week. I just didn't feel so good. And the hot weather out here hasn't helped either. Our a/c unit in the house I live in, needs freon too. So even though we keep the temperature at 82 degrees, it feels even hotter and with the temp outside being over 110-113 degrees regularly...I've been miserable. Everyone has out here in AZ.
Anyway, I went in to work on Saturday to make up for lost time, and was planning on going in Sunday too, but needed the extra zzzzzz's for the four ten's we are all working this week M-Th because everyone needs to be out of the building on Friday. So needless to say, I went 48 hours without any sleep Fri/Sat to be able to go in to work at 4am Sat after getting off at 10:30pm Fri. Of course I went over to T's for awhile and left there around 2/2:30am and then got ready to go back to work for another 7 hours... my intention was a 10hr shift to get in all the extra time I could, but I started to nod off and knew it was time to head home since it would be a long drive and all. Ugh.
My friend called me Sunday at 3am as planned and I knew I couldn't go in, I needed the sleep. So I slept.
Would you believe today (Sunday the 22nd) is our one year anniversary for T and me. I don't know why I get so happy about it anymore. T could care less... and truth be told, I get excited because it's only the 2nd one year anniversary I've ever reached in a relationship with a man. So it is a big deal to me. It's a huge milestone for me. And yet I sit here and wonder why I'm even bothering. Three people have now told me in a 24 hour period -that it seems T is not a good fit for me. That he's not good for me. I've always been the only one giving in this relationship and I'll even admit, I'm worn out. All the life/death seriousness of the cancer has taken it's toll on me. I've cried more tears in the last year than I probably have in my life.
I didn't even want to be in this relationship, damn it. I sent off the last ex because he was horrible and totally cheated on me, not with just one other woman but multiple women. Of all women, I (me, yes ME) I should've seen it. I know the damn signs. I've been there done that. And if anyone knows of my past, they'll even know and understand I've been that darn 'other' woman. I know what to look for... I have felt a fool big time.
Then T comes along. I couldn't even muster the strength to let another man in my life, my heart. I couldn't do it. I kept him far away from me for a good 5 weeks before I even agreed to meet up. Even then, we moved slow. Granted, we wanted to see each other. We're good in each other's company... we're good friends. So we hooked up often. But a relationship was the furthest from my heart/mind.
When I finally agreed to be an exclusive partner and in a relationship... I gave it my all once again. I have loved with all my heart folks. I've given more than I thought I was even capable of giving. I have begged God to not take this sweet man away from me. Not after all I had endured.
And now, I feel I mourn the death of the man I knew anyway. He's not the same. He's changed for sure. The chemo treatments left him a different man. A stranger. Even so, I still fought to keep the love alive. And I feel so drained. So lost. So exhausted. My cup is so bare and so dry and has been for awhile. I've sucked every drop out of it to give away to someone else. There hasn't been any to quench my own thirst. And now I sit here and I want to die. How is that fair?
I've been dragging my feet to make it from one day to the next. The heat hasn't helped at all. I never wanted a career damn it. I wanted to be married, have a family and take care of others. A career was the furthest from my dreams or desires. Struggling to make ends meet on a daily basis makes me want to just give up entirely. What's the point? These thoughts I battle on a regular consistent day to day basis. I hate it. I wish I were stronger. Everyone tells me I'm so strong. I can make it. Truth is, I'm not. I'm not strong. I think it's from some sort of weakness that strength builds/grows. I think it's because we're weak, we fight with all we have left to survive. I'm tired of fighting. I'm so weak and so thirsty for love. I haven't had any love in a long time. I know my friends love me. I know my brother and his family loves me. And my cousin Wendy whom I haven't seen in ages -loves me and I do feel all your love, despite the distance. It's just so hard to live on a daily basis without any love in my life here... from morning to night - crying in private. Suffering. Longing. Dying.
I just learned last night something I didn't know. A dear friend of mine, Amber, whom I've lost touch over 16 years now or so... and we've been back in touch. We were talking last night and she told me something that made an internal light bulb flicker on. She told me that my sister and her friends were making fun of a girl at school. Amber knew this girl that was poked fun at. My sister and her friends poked fun at her because she wore a lot of make-up. A lot of fuckin' make-up! Big damn deal! No one, NO ONE, should ever be treated horribly... and for such a small stupid thing, jeesh. Anyway, for a long time my sister has not liked my friend Amber and always talked crap about her. I never knew why. Well, Amber told me that she stood up for this poor girl that was being taunted by my sister and her friends, and she looked at Andrea and told her that maybe she should actually wear more make-up! Well, as small and stupid as this all sounds, and granted it was many years ago, it explained to me why my sister had always said such mean things about my friend Amber and why she didn't like me hanging around her. I never knew and I never understood until now. Amber stood up to Andrea and made her look foolish in front of her friends and this poor girl. Andrea didn't like it. My sister the bully. And even today she still is... though she totally denies it.
My sister even bullied me through our lives. She was always biting me and as soon as I complained about it to my mom/dad, I got in trouble for it. My mom would ask me, "What did you do?" Of course my reply was always, "I didn't do anything, she just bit me!" I'd look over at my sister and she had this evil wicked grin and would almost sing this taunting chime, "Iiiii biiiiiite kisty.... iiiii biiiiite kiiiisty reeeeeeeal haaaarrrrrd...." Damn evil bitch and people wonder why we don't get along even today. Ha! I could go on and on .... of reasons why she and I don't see eye to eye... we don't get along. (I would complain to my mom that she was going to bite me and that she says so... and my mom would hear Andrea's song and just laugh. LAUGH... indeed she laughed! To this day, they laugh at the most stupid things. Personally, things that I don't think are funny.
I just had to get this off my chest. I can't stand the attention she gets from my parents and how they see nothing but a halo over her head and how tricked they have been. She cries at the drop of a hat when she's not getting what she wants etc. She yells when she wants to be heard. Far be it for me to stand in her way. I see her for what she is and it has only caused issues with me and my own parents. In their eyes I'm nothing but a trouble maker when in actuality I've been the peacemaker for years. I've done nothing but try to keep peace among everyone. Even when my sister has upset me so much I was ready to spit fire... I tried to keep my cool. Well, I guess I'm just done and tired of it all. I'm aching and hurting over it all. I've thrown my hands/arms up in the air and walked away. And they have let me. I'm sure they're telling everyone I no longer want anything to do with them. When in fact they've called me 'psycho' and 'crazy' etc. I guess I am crazy because I don't understand these people. These people whom are my family and yet they go to church and create an image of falsity. Please pardon me if I don't want to participate in hypocrisy.
I just can't do it. I can't put on a smile when a frown is all I can form. My eyes bear nothing but pain and sorrow. I've wanted nothing but love in my life - I've given as much as I am capable of giving. And yet, I'm treated otherwise as though I'm some crazy looney fool. Maybe I am. Maybe it's not normal to love people. I don't know. Seems there is a lot of anger and a lot of hurt in the world. I have tried to find the good, the positive, the love. What is this world coming to? People are starting to panic over food prices, gas prices... politics... etc.
I had an interesting talk with T the other day and he told me that there is always constancy in the world. I thought there was always change. But then he reminded me about the bible etc. People wouldn't be reading and living according to the bible if it wasn't constant. Sometimes things never change. I guess we can see that in some ways.
I know that when there is tragedy, for the most part, people come together and help one another. There is love where there is pain. Then why, then, can there not be this behavior in families? Maybe there is and I just haven't experienced it. I'm so tired of being treated as a black sheep, as an outsider, as a loner. I'm completely far from it.
Nothing hurts more than to be shunned from family. Indeed, I walked away. I suppose though, I didn't expect to be uninvited to family gatherings etc. Yes I feel I am dead to my sister. My sister and I do not get along. But that was between her and me. My parents have chosen my sister over the rest of the family. That hurts. I feel stabbed and I have felt stabbed over and over and over again over the years. Somehow I've managed to still be here and still standing though a bit wavering.
I'm dying inside. Maybe I already have... I can't carry this anymore. I want to shed this pain. How do I do it?
I'm considering one day starting a new relationship with a different man. Right now though, I am a mess. Internally, emotionally, mentally... I've sought help only to be fast talked into agreeing that I'm fine. How did that happen? Seems everyone is in such a hurry anymore, there's not even time for that planned counseling session. The therapist has an appointment immediately following... so "Are you ok?" Well what do you think I'm going to say? The gal doesn't even have time for me anyway... I already feel I don't want to burden anyone... duh that's why I sought a professional, but even they don't have the time. So "yah, I'm fine" ... "I promise I'll call the number you gave me if I feel like harming myself." NOT!
People bug the crap outta me. So I read books. I seek my own therapy. I don't know how I'm going to pull myself out of this mess. But I'm trying. I realize if that man I read about in the concentration camps could survive what he went through, then surely my life isn't so bad. I know. And I tell myself this regularly too.
Somehow, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. So I tell myself, "it's ok, lots of people are living alone and they manage, they're happy" or is it a facade too? Is it all created imagery? I constantly battle these thoughts in my head.
I try to take myself back to the feelings I had and was going through before I met T. After I kicked mr ex out of my life. I was reaching a point of solitude and happiness. I don't know how I managed or how I got there... but I did. I didn't need T or any man in my life at that point. T just showed up. Unexpected.
I want that back. I want to be able to feel that way again. I'm so trying. I think I struggle even more this time around because I've lost the support of my parents. And that hurts deeply. I understand they choose one sibling over another because the other sibling has grandchildren. I don't. And I'm a 'crazy' nut because I choose not to be LDS. Oh yes, they'll deny that has anything to do with it, but surely that plays a part too. I don't live the same lifestyle. I don't see eye to eye on issues with them. Indeed, I've become worldly in their eyes. And yet, it's odd to me, because I have always been into spirituality etc. I have always tried to live my life a particular way. I love people despite any faults or weaknesses. We all have them. Duh. And yet I feel my parents and my sister have done nothing but point out my scars. My faults. Never have they ever recognized my accomplishments, my achievements. Only what I did not accomplish.
Funny/odd how it is... that my brother and I were the only ones in the family to actually serve missions for the church and yet we were the ones shunned in the family. How is that? I cannot help but to think of that often. It boggles my mind. My dad didn't serve a mission, nor my mom, nor my sister's husband Ben. Yet the two of us that did, are the ones that do not get along with the rest of the family. Why is that? Is there any correlation here? I wonder.
I've had a bad few days. I didn't go in to work for 3 days last week. I just didn't feel so good. And the hot weather out here hasn't helped either. Our a/c unit in the house I live in, needs freon too. So even though we keep the temperature at 82 degrees, it feels even hotter and with the temp outside being over 110-113 degrees regularly...I've been miserable. Everyone has out here in AZ.
Anyway, I went in to work on Saturday to make up for lost time, and was planning on going in Sunday too, but needed the extra zzzzzz's for the four ten's we are all working this week M-Th because everyone needs to be out of the building on Friday. So needless to say, I went 48 hours without any sleep Fri/Sat to be able to go in to work at 4am Sat after getting off at 10:30pm Fri. Of course I went over to T's for awhile and left there around 2/2:30am and then got ready to go back to work for another 7 hours... my intention was a 10hr shift to get in all the extra time I could, but I started to nod off and knew it was time to head home since it would be a long drive and all. Ugh.
My friend called me Sunday at 3am as planned and I knew I couldn't go in, I needed the sleep. So I slept.
Would you believe today (Sunday the 22nd) is our one year anniversary for T and me. I don't know why I get so happy about it anymore. T could care less... and truth be told, I get excited because it's only the 2nd one year anniversary I've ever reached in a relationship with a man. So it is a big deal to me. It's a huge milestone for me. And yet I sit here and wonder why I'm even bothering. Three people have now told me in a 24 hour period -that it seems T is not a good fit for me. That he's not good for me. I've always been the only one giving in this relationship and I'll even admit, I'm worn out. All the life/death seriousness of the cancer has taken it's toll on me. I've cried more tears in the last year than I probably have in my life.
I didn't even want to be in this relationship, damn it. I sent off the last ex because he was horrible and totally cheated on me, not with just one other woman but multiple women. Of all women, I (me, yes ME) I should've seen it. I know the damn signs. I've been there done that. And if anyone knows of my past, they'll even know and understand I've been that darn 'other' woman. I know what to look for... I have felt a fool big time.
Then T comes along. I couldn't even muster the strength to let another man in my life, my heart. I couldn't do it. I kept him far away from me for a good 5 weeks before I even agreed to meet up. Even then, we moved slow. Granted, we wanted to see each other. We're good in each other's company... we're good friends. So we hooked up often. But a relationship was the furthest from my heart/mind.
When I finally agreed to be an exclusive partner and in a relationship... I gave it my all once again. I have loved with all my heart folks. I've given more than I thought I was even capable of giving. I have begged God to not take this sweet man away from me. Not after all I had endured.
And now, I feel I mourn the death of the man I knew anyway. He's not the same. He's changed for sure. The chemo treatments left him a different man. A stranger. Even so, I still fought to keep the love alive. And I feel so drained. So lost. So exhausted. My cup is so bare and so dry and has been for awhile. I've sucked every drop out of it to give away to someone else. There hasn't been any to quench my own thirst. And now I sit here and I want to die. How is that fair?
I've been dragging my feet to make it from one day to the next. The heat hasn't helped at all. I never wanted a career damn it. I wanted to be married, have a family and take care of others. A career was the furthest from my dreams or desires. Struggling to make ends meet on a daily basis makes me want to just give up entirely. What's the point? These thoughts I battle on a regular consistent day to day basis. I hate it. I wish I were stronger. Everyone tells me I'm so strong. I can make it. Truth is, I'm not. I'm not strong. I think it's from some sort of weakness that strength builds/grows. I think it's because we're weak, we fight with all we have left to survive. I'm tired of fighting. I'm so weak and so thirsty for love. I haven't had any love in a long time. I know my friends love me. I know my brother and his family loves me. And my cousin Wendy whom I haven't seen in ages -loves me and I do feel all your love, despite the distance. It's just so hard to live on a daily basis without any love in my life here... from morning to night - crying in private. Suffering. Longing. Dying.
I just learned last night something I didn't know. A dear friend of mine, Amber, whom I've lost touch over 16 years now or so... and we've been back in touch. We were talking last night and she told me something that made an internal light bulb flicker on. She told me that my sister and her friends were making fun of a girl at school. Amber knew this girl that was poked fun at. My sister and her friends poked fun at her because she wore a lot of make-up. A lot of fuckin' make-up! Big damn deal! No one, NO ONE, should ever be treated horribly... and for such a small stupid thing, jeesh. Anyway, for a long time my sister has not liked my friend Amber and always talked crap about her. I never knew why. Well, Amber told me that she stood up for this poor girl that was being taunted by my sister and her friends, and she looked at Andrea and told her that maybe she should actually wear more make-up! Well, as small and stupid as this all sounds, and granted it was many years ago, it explained to me why my sister had always said such mean things about my friend Amber and why she didn't like me hanging around her. I never knew and I never understood until now. Amber stood up to Andrea and made her look foolish in front of her friends and this poor girl. Andrea didn't like it. My sister the bully. And even today she still is... though she totally denies it.
My sister even bullied me through our lives. She was always biting me and as soon as I complained about it to my mom/dad, I got in trouble for it. My mom would ask me, "What did you do?" Of course my reply was always, "I didn't do anything, she just bit me!" I'd look over at my sister and she had this evil wicked grin and would almost sing this taunting chime, "Iiiii biiiiiite kisty.... iiiii biiiiite kiiiisty reeeeeeeal haaaarrrrrd...." Damn evil bitch and people wonder why we don't get along even today. Ha! I could go on and on .... of reasons why she and I don't see eye to eye... we don't get along. (I would complain to my mom that she was going to bite me and that she says so... and my mom would hear Andrea's song and just laugh. LAUGH... indeed she laughed! To this day, they laugh at the most stupid things. Personally, things that I don't think are funny.
I just had to get this off my chest. I can't stand the attention she gets from my parents and how they see nothing but a halo over her head and how tricked they have been. She cries at the drop of a hat when she's not getting what she wants etc. She yells when she wants to be heard. Far be it for me to stand in her way. I see her for what she is and it has only caused issues with me and my own parents. In their eyes I'm nothing but a trouble maker when in actuality I've been the peacemaker for years. I've done nothing but try to keep peace among everyone. Even when my sister has upset me so much I was ready to spit fire... I tried to keep my cool. Well, I guess I'm just done and tired of it all. I'm aching and hurting over it all. I've thrown my hands/arms up in the air and walked away. And they have let me. I'm sure they're telling everyone I no longer want anything to do with them. When in fact they've called me 'psycho' and 'crazy' etc. I guess I am crazy because I don't understand these people. These people whom are my family and yet they go to church and create an image of falsity. Please pardon me if I don't want to participate in hypocrisy.
I just can't do it. I can't put on a smile when a frown is all I can form. My eyes bear nothing but pain and sorrow. I've wanted nothing but love in my life - I've given as much as I am capable of giving. And yet, I'm treated otherwise as though I'm some crazy looney fool. Maybe I am. Maybe it's not normal to love people. I don't know. Seems there is a lot of anger and a lot of hurt in the world. I have tried to find the good, the positive, the love. What is this world coming to? People are starting to panic over food prices, gas prices... politics... etc.
I had an interesting talk with T the other day and he told me that there is always constancy in the world. I thought there was always change. But then he reminded me about the bible etc. People wouldn't be reading and living according to the bible if it wasn't constant. Sometimes things never change. I guess we can see that in some ways.
I know that when there is tragedy, for the most part, people come together and help one another. There is love where there is pain. Then why, then, can there not be this behavior in families? Maybe there is and I just haven't experienced it. I'm so tired of being treated as a black sheep, as an outsider, as a loner. I'm completely far from it.
Nothing hurts more than to be shunned from family. Indeed, I walked away. I suppose though, I didn't expect to be uninvited to family gatherings etc. Yes I feel I am dead to my sister. My sister and I do not get along. But that was between her and me. My parents have chosen my sister over the rest of the family. That hurts. I feel stabbed and I have felt stabbed over and over and over again over the years. Somehow I've managed to still be here and still standing though a bit wavering.
I'm dying inside. Maybe I already have... I can't carry this anymore. I want to shed this pain. How do I do it?
I'm considering one day starting a new relationship with a different man. Right now though, I am a mess. Internally, emotionally, mentally... I've sought help only to be fast talked into agreeing that I'm fine. How did that happen? Seems everyone is in such a hurry anymore, there's not even time for that planned counseling session. The therapist has an appointment immediately following... so "Are you ok?" Well what do you think I'm going to say? The gal doesn't even have time for me anyway... I already feel I don't want to burden anyone... duh that's why I sought a professional, but even they don't have the time. So "yah, I'm fine" ... "I promise I'll call the number you gave me if I feel like harming myself." NOT!
People bug the crap outta me. So I read books. I seek my own therapy. I don't know how I'm going to pull myself out of this mess. But I'm trying. I realize if that man I read about in the concentration camps could survive what he went through, then surely my life isn't so bad. I know. And I tell myself this regularly too.
Somehow, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. So I tell myself, "it's ok, lots of people are living alone and they manage, they're happy" or is it a facade too? Is it all created imagery? I constantly battle these thoughts in my head.
I try to take myself back to the feelings I had and was going through before I met T. After I kicked mr ex out of my life. I was reaching a point of solitude and happiness. I don't know how I managed or how I got there... but I did. I didn't need T or any man in my life at that point. T just showed up. Unexpected.
I want that back. I want to be able to feel that way again. I'm so trying. I think I struggle even more this time around because I've lost the support of my parents. And that hurts deeply. I understand they choose one sibling over another because the other sibling has grandchildren. I don't. And I'm a 'crazy' nut because I choose not to be LDS. Oh yes, they'll deny that has anything to do with it, but surely that plays a part too. I don't live the same lifestyle. I don't see eye to eye on issues with them. Indeed, I've become worldly in their eyes. And yet, it's odd to me, because I have always been into spirituality etc. I have always tried to live my life a particular way. I love people despite any faults or weaknesses. We all have them. Duh. And yet I feel my parents and my sister have done nothing but point out my scars. My faults. Never have they ever recognized my accomplishments, my achievements. Only what I did not accomplish.
Funny/odd how it is... that my brother and I were the only ones in the family to actually serve missions for the church and yet we were the ones shunned in the family. How is that? I cannot help but to think of that often. It boggles my mind. My dad didn't serve a mission, nor my mom, nor my sister's husband Ben. Yet the two of us that did, are the ones that do not get along with the rest of the family. Why is that? Is there any correlation here? I wonder.
3 comments:
girl....YOu poor thing. I know that is not what you want to hear/ read and i know you are not looking for sympathy....I KNOW...
But goodness.. YOu have so much pain inside. and i know you have heard it before but I REALLY DO think you are STRONG christy!!
But we think you NEED to come out here to Tennessee. Start something new. Start here. We have so much love for you and my family WILL BE YOUR FAMILY!!!!
think about it A LOT....consider it....apartments are cheap here. You could get a secretary/receptionist job here EASILY!!!!
We really think you would LOVE IT!
LOVE
Merrianne & Spencer
Hi Christy, I've been thinking about what is going on with you since a read this yesterday and thinking abut how to respond. There's so much I could comment about and I'll surely forget a lot.
First of all, you are not crazy and if you're family or anyone you care about really says those things, they have some soul searching and self-assessment to do. I know you are not crazy and you know I would tell you if I thought you were right? ;) But, let's say that you are for the sake of this story... If your family believed that, would they shun you and ignore you? That would be abuse, in my opinion. Name calling and ignoring are not the appropriate response for someone who is "insane". If they really felt that, shouldn't they be trying to do something for you rather than cause you more grief? I don't like to pick sides or make judgments about anyone, especially without knowing both sides, but I'm pretty certain there is a problem on all sides of this table.
Also, I think part of your problem right now is that you are going through some huge transitions in your life. Your family, Tony, moving, make up school and probably others I am not aware of. You'd be crazy not to feel some fear, anxiety, pressure, etc. that might be expressed as depression for you. Where do you find meaning? What can you hold on to and meditate on during this difficult time to help you pull through? (I'm thinking of Frankl here.) There is something here for you. You can be strong and pull through this. You've pulled through so much already. Hang in there.
Oh yeah, and if your "help" isn't helpful, look into other help. Counselors are human and it is only normal that some are better than others. Some you will click with and others you won't. It's normal to have a shopping process involved in finding the right help. Keep trying.
I am a big believer in cognitive theory of psychology and that means the way we have learned to look at things through our own families, experiences and personality. How we talk to ourselves and see the world colors how we feel, but new ways of thinking can be learned. We can feel better.
The biggest thing to consider here is that you have been given a great opportunity. Most people in the world are struggling to survive. You have so much opportunity that other people in the world would kill for. There is a reason you are here. I was reading a novel called "Breakfast with Buddha" yesterday and there is this character who wears monk robes and says deep stuff. Of course, he believes in reincarnation and he tells his regular guy traveling companion that people who are born here and now were very good in their past lives. They were given more comforts than many others so they could have the opportunity to find enough quiet in their lives to study and grow spiritually.
This is one thing you have. You can grow. You can reach a better place and you can be happy.
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