Article from Ladies' Home Journal (FEB 08, page 18-22)
--- I N N E R L I F E ---
by Nanette Gartrell, M.D.
DO YOU HAVE A TOUGH TIME SAYING NO TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS' REQUESTS -- EVEN IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO BREATHE? HERE, HOW TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST WITH GRACE, SKILL --AND NO GUILT
The Joys of Saying NO
No is a very simple word. One syllable. Two letters. Yet it's one of the most difficult for women to utter. We hear NO! in our heads while our mouths are saying "yes," "sure," "I'd be glad to," "of course I will" or "I wouldn't miss it for the world!" It's often easier to agree than to just say NO.
Why the disconnect? Sometimes, out of a desire to be helpful or charitable, we choose to say yes even when it's difficult. At other times, we discover that we're too concerned about being loved or needed to be able to refuse, or we can't bear to feel we've disappointed someone. Ironically, women's reluctance to say no comes from traits that we should value-empathy, sensitivity, thoughtfulness and compassion.
Our strength as women is grounded in the ability to reach out and lend a helping hand. We are hardwired with a gift for caring and connection. We'll struggle to find the best way to take care of the many others who are dependent on us, even if attending to those needs requires personal sacrifice or hardship.
The truth is, saying no can be hard. It involves putting our own desires and needs above the wishes or expectations of others, which clashes with our natural inclination to be generous. We consider the thoughts and feelings of others as we conduct our own lives, so we empathize with the pain of being turned down and search for a way to say no that won't cause anger or sadness. After turning down a request we may even feel guilty that we didn't try harder to accomodate it. What we fail to realize is that saying yes to something we don't want to-or simply cannot-do can have its own negative consequences. Remember, offering kindness is not the same as being a doormat-there is a world of difference between being a compassionate, considerate person and casting yourself aside completely.
Marilyn, an entrepreneur, recently learned how much personal disappointment and resentment her own failure to say no could cause. She had planned to take a much-needed vacation to Costa Rica-blissfully all by herself. "When a friend of mine heard about it, she said 'Oh, I need a vacation too, I'll come.' My response was 'Yeah, that'll be great," she recalls. "Within half a second I wished I had bitten my tongue. Why did I say she could come if I wanted to be by myself?"
Marilyn also stumbled upon one of the harder truths about saying no. It can be especially difficult when dealing with friends. Giving a firm no to your husband, mother or children entails much less risk to the relationship than dishing one out to a pal. Why? Most of the time, we take comfort in the knowledge that family members will continue to love us even if we turn down a request. But friends, we worry, might drift away if we don't come through, or be less sympathetic to us during our next crisis.
So what do we do, even if we are bone-tired or stretched to our breaking point, when a friend calls in crisis or begs for a huge favor? We shift into super-overdrive-wrenching out whatever's required to lend a helping hand.
Fortunately, there are creative and sensitive ways to handle situations in which you feel stuck-ways to diminish the discomfort of disappointing others. Sometimes this simply involves learning how to set boundaries and limits, to figure out ways to come to a friend's aid without sacrificing yourself completely. "I'd love to meet you for lunch, but I have a 2 o'clock meeting so we'll have to stop by 1:30." Or, "I'm so happy you called. Listen, I need to let you know that I have to be off the phone by 5:30, because I have to get dinner ready."
Other times when your needs and a friend's wishes or expectations clash more profoundly, a little fudging can go a long way toward making a no easier for you to say and your friend to hear.
Esther, a professor, had accepted a new job across the country and planned to use her drive from Vermont to California as quiet time alone before incurring the stress of her new job. "One of my colleagues from the East Coast asked if she could drive with me. She is very sweet, but is a complete chatterbox," says Esther. "The thought of being cooped up with her for six days was unbearable, but I couldn't figure out how to say no without hurting her." To avoid injuring her friend's feelings, Esther told her she was planning on visiting an ex-love on the way and couldn't impose by bringing a guest with her.
Concealing the real reason for a no never feels good, but that's what we sometimes need to do in order to avoid disappointing friends.
"I admit, I use my kids as excuses all the time when I don't want to do something I just don't have the energy for, instead of just saying that, I'm more likely to say something like, 'Oh, I wish I could, but Josh has a soccer game that day.' Having kids is a legitimate excuse that never hurts anyone."
Laine's reasoning for protecting her friends' feelings is completely valid-no one wants to be the source of a pal's pain. But the next time you're tempted to disguise the truth, consider this: Being honest can strengthen the bonds between friends, and ultimately, being able to be truthful makes for a more satisfying and deeper friendship. Whenever possible, giving a straightforward no to your friends is the best policy.
If you do find yourself having a hard time delivering an honest and frank refusal, ask yourself why. Will your friend hold a grudge? Is your firendship based only on reciprocal favors? If the answer to either of these questions is yes, it might be time to consider why this relationship is so fragile and whether it's one that's worth having.
A PUSHOVER NO MORE!
After you master the art of saying no, run with your newfound power! For tons of tips on how to stand up for yourself, face your fears and handle any challenge, visit www.lhj.com/standup for all the info.
SAYING NO WITH GRACE
There will always be instances when our needs are at odds with our friends' desires. If you're like most women, you enjoy being asked for help, or invited to participate, but not when it's inconvenient. So how do you say no to a pal without causing strain? Here, some typical dilemmas and possible solutions.
PROBLEM: She Asks for Money
SOLUTION: Loaning money to friends is complicated, because friendships often don't survive the failure to repay a debt. People feel embarrassed when they have to ask for money and can become resentful if you ask for it back. If you don't want to risk losing the friendship, you must explain that while you have sympathy for her situation, you don't feel comfortable loaning money to any of your friends.
PROBLEM: You Can't Stand Her Husband
SOLUTION: Maybe your cherished friend has a significant other you find intolerable. How do you say no to invitations that include her mate? Your best bet is to avoid complete candor. Try to engineer more one-on-one time with your pal using this straightforward statement: "I miss spending time with you alone. Would you be up for just the two of us hanging out?" Emphasize how much you enjoyed your time together and state your preference whenever an invitation is extended. You may not be able to avoid seeing her partner completely, but you'll endure less of his company.
PROBLEM: You Feel Like You Owe Her
SOLUTION: You may be eternally grateful to a friend who helped you through a rough patch, but that doesn't mean she can continually ask for favors as if you're in her debt. To set boundaries, use this response to her next request: "You know, I never schedule enough time for myself, I'd love to help, but can't for at least another few weeks." If you make yourself unavilable, your friend will look elsewhere for support.
PROBLEM: She's a Bully
SOLUTION: If you have a friend who can be persistent when it comes to getting her way, subtlety and suggestion probably won't work. You'll need to use your most resolute no with her. "I'm sorry, but I absolutely cannot do X." Expect some arm-twisting, but stand your ground. Let her know that no matter how many times she asks, your answer will remain the same.
PROBLEM: She's Overly Sensitive
SOLUTION: If your pal is particularly thin-skinned, it's best to give her a concise but honest explanation preempted with praise. Consider this reply: "You are such a wonderful friend and I'd love nothing more than to be able to help you, but I've made a commitment to do X, so I can't do Y at this point."
PROBLEM: You Want to Put an End to Command Appearances
SOLUTION: Do you have friends who expect you to show up for every one of their kids' events? Or who make you feel guilty for missing big bashes they book on long holiday weekends when they know you have a new time-share you plan to use exactly then? To break the habits that don't accommodate how your life has changed, you'll need to plan as far in advance as possible. Be sure to sow the seeds before the next get-together, so when the topic comes up, you can remind them of your unavailability. After your break from the expected event has come and gone, consider if you'd like to attend in the future and inform friends of your decision.
Sooooo, I thought this was very worth sharing... I have been on both sides of about every of these situations I think if not all! I thought this was wonderful advice and great suggestions.
This article reminds me of personal experiences of my own and I felt inspired to share this with you all. A true friend is when we can be so clearly honest with one another and the love is unconditional.
I hope these solutions may be of help to anyone. I know I can relate with each one in some way and have a story or many ...lol... for each one! These solutions work great... I do have to say though... I agree whole-heartedly that honesty is the absolute best solution and I can attest to it. These suggestions give us good ideas of how to be honest without hurting another's feelings.
And, if I have ever been that other person on the other side, the annoying one, as I know I have been... PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE to respond honestly with me. I prefer honesty as I'm always honest with everyone nicely of course, because I never want to hurt anyone's feelings either, and yet I can take it - if I'm the one who's being the annoying friend. Haha. Please know I am fully aware of the things I have said or done, and I so appreciate those who are completely honest with me and I love that I can say - I have wonderful friends that are honest!! They are the bestest!!!!
Luv,
Christy :)
--- I N N E R L I F E ---
by Nanette Gartrell, M.D.
DO YOU HAVE A TOUGH TIME SAYING NO TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS' REQUESTS -- EVEN IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO BREATHE? HERE, HOW TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST WITH GRACE, SKILL --AND NO GUILT
The Joys of Saying NO
No is a very simple word. One syllable. Two letters. Yet it's one of the most difficult for women to utter. We hear NO! in our heads while our mouths are saying "yes," "sure," "I'd be glad to," "of course I will" or "I wouldn't miss it for the world!" It's often easier to agree than to just say NO.
Why the disconnect? Sometimes, out of a desire to be helpful or charitable, we choose to say yes even when it's difficult. At other times, we discover that we're too concerned about being loved or needed to be able to refuse, or we can't bear to feel we've disappointed someone. Ironically, women's reluctance to say no comes from traits that we should value-empathy, sensitivity, thoughtfulness and compassion.
Our strength as women is grounded in the ability to reach out and lend a helping hand. We are hardwired with a gift for caring and connection. We'll struggle to find the best way to take care of the many others who are dependent on us, even if attending to those needs requires personal sacrifice or hardship.
The truth is, saying no can be hard. It involves putting our own desires and needs above the wishes or expectations of others, which clashes with our natural inclination to be generous. We consider the thoughts and feelings of others as we conduct our own lives, so we empathize with the pain of being turned down and search for a way to say no that won't cause anger or sadness. After turning down a request we may even feel guilty that we didn't try harder to accomodate it. What we fail to realize is that saying yes to something we don't want to-or simply cannot-do can have its own negative consequences. Remember, offering kindness is not the same as being a doormat-there is a world of difference between being a compassionate, considerate person and casting yourself aside completely.
Marilyn, an entrepreneur, recently learned how much personal disappointment and resentment her own failure to say no could cause. She had planned to take a much-needed vacation to Costa Rica-blissfully all by herself. "When a friend of mine heard about it, she said 'Oh, I need a vacation too, I'll come.' My response was 'Yeah, that'll be great," she recalls. "Within half a second I wished I had bitten my tongue. Why did I say she could come if I wanted to be by myself?"
Marilyn also stumbled upon one of the harder truths about saying no. It can be especially difficult when dealing with friends. Giving a firm no to your husband, mother or children entails much less risk to the relationship than dishing one out to a pal. Why? Most of the time, we take comfort in the knowledge that family members will continue to love us even if we turn down a request. But friends, we worry, might drift away if we don't come through, or be less sympathetic to us during our next crisis.
So what do we do, even if we are bone-tired or stretched to our breaking point, when a friend calls in crisis or begs for a huge favor? We shift into super-overdrive-wrenching out whatever's required to lend a helping hand.
Fortunately, there are creative and sensitive ways to handle situations in which you feel stuck-ways to diminish the discomfort of disappointing others. Sometimes this simply involves learning how to set boundaries and limits, to figure out ways to come to a friend's aid without sacrificing yourself completely. "I'd love to meet you for lunch, but I have a 2 o'clock meeting so we'll have to stop by 1:30." Or, "I'm so happy you called. Listen, I need to let you know that I have to be off the phone by 5:30, because I have to get dinner ready."
Other times when your needs and a friend's wishes or expectations clash more profoundly, a little fudging can go a long way toward making a no easier for you to say and your friend to hear.
Esther, a professor, had accepted a new job across the country and planned to use her drive from Vermont to California as quiet time alone before incurring the stress of her new job. "One of my colleagues from the East Coast asked if she could drive with me. She is very sweet, but is a complete chatterbox," says Esther. "The thought of being cooped up with her for six days was unbearable, but I couldn't figure out how to say no without hurting her." To avoid injuring her friend's feelings, Esther told her she was planning on visiting an ex-love on the way and couldn't impose by bringing a guest with her.
Concealing the real reason for a no never feels good, but that's what we sometimes need to do in order to avoid disappointing friends.
"I admit, I use my kids as excuses all the time when I don't want to do something I just don't have the energy for, instead of just saying that, I'm more likely to say something like, 'Oh, I wish I could, but Josh has a soccer game that day.' Having kids is a legitimate excuse that never hurts anyone."
Laine's reasoning for protecting her friends' feelings is completely valid-no one wants to be the source of a pal's pain. But the next time you're tempted to disguise the truth, consider this: Being honest can strengthen the bonds between friends, and ultimately, being able to be truthful makes for a more satisfying and deeper friendship. Whenever possible, giving a straightforward no to your friends is the best policy.
If you do find yourself having a hard time delivering an honest and frank refusal, ask yourself why. Will your friend hold a grudge? Is your firendship based only on reciprocal favors? If the answer to either of these questions is yes, it might be time to consider why this relationship is so fragile and whether it's one that's worth having.
A PUSHOVER NO MORE!
After you master the art of saying no, run with your newfound power! For tons of tips on how to stand up for yourself, face your fears and handle any challenge, visit www.lhj.com/standup for all the info.
SAYING NO WITH GRACE
There will always be instances when our needs are at odds with our friends' desires. If you're like most women, you enjoy being asked for help, or invited to participate, but not when it's inconvenient. So how do you say no to a pal without causing strain? Here, some typical dilemmas and possible solutions.
PROBLEM: She Asks for Money
SOLUTION: Loaning money to friends is complicated, because friendships often don't survive the failure to repay a debt. People feel embarrassed when they have to ask for money and can become resentful if you ask for it back. If you don't want to risk losing the friendship, you must explain that while you have sympathy for her situation, you don't feel comfortable loaning money to any of your friends.
PROBLEM: You Can't Stand Her Husband
SOLUTION: Maybe your cherished friend has a significant other you find intolerable. How do you say no to invitations that include her mate? Your best bet is to avoid complete candor. Try to engineer more one-on-one time with your pal using this straightforward statement: "I miss spending time with you alone. Would you be up for just the two of us hanging out?" Emphasize how much you enjoyed your time together and state your preference whenever an invitation is extended. You may not be able to avoid seeing her partner completely, but you'll endure less of his company.
PROBLEM: You Feel Like You Owe Her
SOLUTION: You may be eternally grateful to a friend who helped you through a rough patch, but that doesn't mean she can continually ask for favors as if you're in her debt. To set boundaries, use this response to her next request: "You know, I never schedule enough time for myself, I'd love to help, but can't for at least another few weeks." If you make yourself unavilable, your friend will look elsewhere for support.
PROBLEM: She's a Bully
SOLUTION: If you have a friend who can be persistent when it comes to getting her way, subtlety and suggestion probably won't work. You'll need to use your most resolute no with her. "I'm sorry, but I absolutely cannot do X." Expect some arm-twisting, but stand your ground. Let her know that no matter how many times she asks, your answer will remain the same.
PROBLEM: She's Overly Sensitive
SOLUTION: If your pal is particularly thin-skinned, it's best to give her a concise but honest explanation preempted with praise. Consider this reply: "You are such a wonderful friend and I'd love nothing more than to be able to help you, but I've made a commitment to do X, so I can't do Y at this point."
PROBLEM: You Want to Put an End to Command Appearances
SOLUTION: Do you have friends who expect you to show up for every one of their kids' events? Or who make you feel guilty for missing big bashes they book on long holiday weekends when they know you have a new time-share you plan to use exactly then? To break the habits that don't accommodate how your life has changed, you'll need to plan as far in advance as possible. Be sure to sow the seeds before the next get-together, so when the topic comes up, you can remind them of your unavailability. After your break from the expected event has come and gone, consider if you'd like to attend in the future and inform friends of your decision.
Sooooo, I thought this was very worth sharing... I have been on both sides of about every of these situations I think if not all! I thought this was wonderful advice and great suggestions.
This article reminds me of personal experiences of my own and I felt inspired to share this with you all. A true friend is when we can be so clearly honest with one another and the love is unconditional.
I hope these solutions may be of help to anyone. I know I can relate with each one in some way and have a story or many ...lol... for each one! These solutions work great... I do have to say though... I agree whole-heartedly that honesty is the absolute best solution and I can attest to it. These suggestions give us good ideas of how to be honest without hurting another's feelings.
And, if I have ever been that other person on the other side, the annoying one, as I know I have been... PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE to respond honestly with me. I prefer honesty as I'm always honest with everyone nicely of course, because I never want to hurt anyone's feelings either, and yet I can take it - if I'm the one who's being the annoying friend. Haha. Please know I am fully aware of the things I have said or done, and I so appreciate those who are completely honest with me and I love that I can say - I have wonderful friends that are honest!! They are the bestest!!!!
Luv,
Christy :)
