Staying Positive

Back at it again! This time for real!

2010-01-06T10:53:00.003-07:00

I'm sorry my sweet friends that I said I was back 6 months ago and then you all lost me again. I had just found out at that time right after I posted that last post, that my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. There were a whirlwind of events that took place immediately following. Many of you who read this already know, some of you who may stop by perhaps don't.

My mom passed away a week ago Monday. Her funeral was last Saturday. I'm very sad and miss my mom more than words may describe. I will always remember her and treasure the beautiful memories shared. The funeral was beautiful and wonderful. Many dear friends and family attended. I'm at a loss of words for the moment though will return after work tonight.

Thank you for stopping by and I will do my best to keep this updated as promised earlier. So much to write about just not right now.

I'm baaaaa'aaack!

2009-06-06T03:18:00.004-07:00

Hey hey, it's been a good while, ummm, 6 or 7 months now, hmmm definitely time to get back into blogging.

I've updated a lot of stuff... and I will return tomorrow to enter a more informative post.

Much has happened since the last entry.

Good, bad and ugly... though making something pretty out of it all, lol. Or trying anyway lol.

I hope to see all of you again... I'm working on multiple goals and I will keep anyone who reads this updated as best I am able.

I'm working on my book, a biography since I will be using a pen name, not my own. Eleven chapters into it so far! I will return to writing activities on my writing corner blog as well, and for those of you who read this and are not familiar, the link is posted on the right column. (2nd writing corner blog as I changed the link)

It's good to be back in the blogging world again.

Hope to see you here soon ; )

WBC scan results and on to MRI ...

2008-11-22T16:03:00.005-07:00

Hi Y'all,

I went to the dr yesterday morning and learned that nothing showed up in the WBC scan (white blood cell). So, now the dr is ordering an MRI to see if they find anything in the bone marrow or joints, etc. Narrowed out the small and on to the big... see what's going on. So I still don't know what's wrong. I'm waiting for the call to come to schedule the MRI. Back in the waiting game again. In the meantime dr prescribed an ankle brace for me, so I picked it up yesterday after my appointment with him. Wore it to work, and it was nice to be able to put equal weight on both legs for a change.

At this point, I don't know what could be wrong. If nothing is found in the MRI, I plan to call my physician and see if I can get a referral to some specialist and see what sort of diagnosis can be made.

Tonight I plan to stay the night at my cousin Diana's and work on the fashionably classic watches with her and be able to make mine and bring home to wear...I can hardly wait. Then go to church in the morning with Diana and her family.

Otherwise, taking it easy over here.
Have a great day y'all :)

Latest update

2008-11-19T11:33:00.002-07:00

So I should know more on Fri as I have an appointment made to go see the foot doctor that morning and get my results from the scan.

Fingers crossed, that I'll know what the problem is and know how to treat it.

I want to go running so bad, it kills me.
I'm finally getting motivated again.
I have my ups and downs lately with emotions. I miss Tony. But managing fine.
Been a hermit for awhile, mostly because I'm poor. Lol.
Getting things done again and FAFSA/SAR should reach ASU within 3-5 business days as of Monday, or was it yesterday, ugh, I can't keep days straight anymore. I'll be calling them on Fri too. (Payday) So I can pay to have GED transcript sent to them that day, and pay to apply at ASU. Yep, I've been that poor. Hopefully I can get accepted and able to register for classes real soon. Keeping fingers crossed on this too.

I've been pretty down... but climbing back up.

Hope y'all are doing good :)

Quick update

2008-11-19T00:11:00.001-07:00

Still no news yet from doctor.
Not up to writing lately.
Will update again soon.
Just keeping to myself lately.

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all :)

The latest...

2008-11-05T01:54:00.002-07:00

So Halloween has come and gone.

Thanksgiving will soon be here.

I found out last Tue (a week ago) that after meeting with a foot/ankle specialist that I do NOT have cellulitis on my foot/ankle. So today I received my call from the hospital and I've just scheduled a bone scan for next Thursday the 13th. It will be all day at the hospital if you're not familiar with bone scans, my check-in time is at 7:15am, 8am I have my blood drawn, at 12noon I will have an injection and will need the next four hours to pee it out of my system, then at 3pm is the bone scan. Whew. Sigh. I'm not sure how much longer after the bone scan I will actually get the results, but I will keep you posted as soon as I am informed. I'm a bit nervous and the foot doctor doesn't know what it is... he thinks it may be some sort of disease. Will see if the bone scan will have something light up or have any "hot spots"...

The pain has increased and has travelled through different locations. I have pain also in my shin and knee area of my right leg and also my right arm, as well as my left foot. Nothing like feeling a burning sensation and sharp pain in both feet at the same time! Ergh. I'm a bit worried, and feeling a lot like I need to get all things in order in my life right now. The pain has been a bit intense, and I really don't know what to expect at this point but hopefully find out soon. The foot dr, that my family dr has referred me to, also plans to retrieve the results from my lab/blood work that was done at my dr's office. If the info he needs is not on those results, then he will have my blood drawn at his office and send it for testing for the info/details he needs to find out.

It has been brought to my attention that should nothing come of this testing... then perhaps I should be referred to an internist for internal medicine. One thing at a time... and we'll see where this step takes me.

I went to church last Sunday with cousin Diana and her family and Uncle Gary and Aunt Carol came along too. We met up at their stake center for stake conference. It was nice.

My thoughts are pretty focused on a few things lately. I've been doing a lot of pondering too.

Funny where life takes us sometimes - eh?

Things are ok over here and I'm doing good despite the physical pain and the journey that goes with it. I manage to smile and laugh still. It's nice to want to come home and to a home that feels like home. My roommates are wonderful. I feel at peace here.

I hope any of you who read this are doing good and healthy.

My love,

Christy

Letting Go

2008-10-23T23:32:00.002-07:00

I've been noticing lately how interesting it is and how vital it is for us to learn to "let go" of this or that in our lives. For some it is 'letting go' of a child as they grow into adult years and letting them go out into the world. For others it may be 'letting go' of a loved one as it is their time to transfer from one world into another as their life here ends. Or it may be 'letting go' of another loved one as one relationship ends to be available for another to form. There are many types of 'letting go' in our lives.

Maybe it is 'letting go' in other forms. 'Letting go' of a memory or 'letting go' of a job, etc etc. No matter the form or person we may need to 'let go' per-se of this or that... the essence of letting go is difficult and challenging if we let it.

I'm learning to 'let go' of many things lately. I've recently told my ex-beau T, that I need time away from him for at least 1-3 months so I may heal my wounds and allow myself to be open for someone new to enter my life. We were spending too much time together before I could heal and it was as if adding salt to a wound that had never healed. So as hard as it has been, it is also very soothing for me and I'm now in the 'healing' process if-you-will. (In order for our friendship to remain on healthy terms, this is so needed for me)

I'm meeting new people and starting to feel alive again, in a weird sense. Things at work are changing drastically and I'm making new friends too.

As one door closes -another opens... I'm truly seeing and experiencing this lately. Many doors are opening and it's been quite interesting. Of course, it's like that one door that we know what is behind it, is the most comforting one to choose, but I'm starting to venture out and seek what is behind the other doors for me. Life is an adventure and I'm definitely one up for journeys!

May your day be filled with fun adventures!
More to come soon :)

Sad sad news

2008-10-21T23:25:00.003-07:00

My Aunt Jeanne Litke passed away this morning.

I barely received the email news about it since I just arrived home from work.

Tonight I am sad.

I'm thinking of all the good memories of Aunt Jeanne and the time I spent a summer in Modesto CA back in 1988 (I think it was). My sweet love to Wendy and all her brothers and esp Ron Litke too.

May Aunt Jeanne finally rest in peace and comfort and enjoy the reunion of many loved ones. And may her loved ones that are still here remember her as the great woman we all love and adore and may they find peace and happiness too even with this great loss at this time.

I feel esp blessed for having known my Aunt Jeanne and for the fun times shared. My heart is full of much love and tenderness towards a loving family, I can call my own too.

Spencer Tagged Me & I may be DIABETIC!

2008-10-17T01:56:00.010-07:00

7 Things About Me...

1) I have about 22+ best friends: (in no particular order)
----------1 Tony M---------2 Tina
---3 SWAT GALS: Laura; Chalysse; Kimber; Pam; Shana; Georgia
----------4 Laura F--------5 CarolLynn
----------6 Brad -----------7 Jennie
----------8 Amber----------8 Keith
----------9 Meg-----------10 Erin
---------11 Kristen-------12 Wendy
---------13 Kim ----------14 Zara
---------15 Naomi---------16 Tammy
---------17 Jenn----------18 Heather
---------19 Liz-----------20 Ivette
---------21 Jeni----------22 Lori
---------23 Richard-------24 Alain/Marlita
---------25 Shelley-------26 Lynzie

2) I have about 20+ other good associate friends and co-workers (former and present) I could add to the list in number 1 above. Lol. {I really do my best to keep up with everyone and each of their lives individually and in touch somehow. Those in the list above I try to keep in touch with the most!} Friends are vital in my life and I truly treasure the ones who are most dear to me. I try to be a good friend to each one, and because I have so many wonderful people in my life, sometimes I'm not as good a friend as I'd prefer to be. Nonetheless, I do my best and I have enough love to share for all. ;) (I've been accused of putting my friends before family, and I never saw it that way, it's just that I have so many great and beautiful people that are near to me -when I was younger I was still establishing how to manage showing my love to each and every person when needed, that sometimes my family thought I was never available to them. The fact is, there were times when I just really needed my friends too because they knew me -at times-better than my family and could help me when I needed it. So I turned to them a lot when I was esp younger and received exactly whatever it was I needed, esp the advice or love and understanding I wasn't getting at home and felt loved. These fabulous people are still in my life today. I feel very blessed and loved by my wonderful friends.) ~note: not to be misread or misinterpreted, on the contrary, I'm not saying that I don't feel loved by my family either.~ (Just paying some tribute to the wonderful and dear friends in my life)

3) Painting is something I hope to venture more into and explore. I love creativity and I crave artistic ventures. I enjoy many different artists. One in which I really admire and could stare into the artwork longingly and forever of Thomas Barbey and I was just introduced to an artist by a friend of mine last night, H. R. Giger I am intrigued by the unusual and unique.

4) I can read multiple books at a time and will. Although I've taken a break from it for a short while and do need to get back into reading regularly again. Found some interesting titles at Sam's Club today and had to control the urge to pick up a few of them. I have a library card, and need to hit the library soon instead. Lol.

5) I'm a huge fan of ARMY WIVES tv show on Lifetime channel. (Don't anyone dare try to have a conversation with me while it's on the tv screen, even if I've already seen the ep before that is playing) And I could watch every ep of Will & Grace a hundred times or more and not tire of it. In fact, that is my own stocking stuffer gift to myself -from Santa this year! Yee hee! (Can't wait to spend some Christmas cheer with Jacki; Karen; Will; Grace and Rosario!) I can laugh for hours with this show! (And my long time fave I LOVE LUCY too) I have a super large collection of I LOVE LUCY videos/dvds and my next goal is start collecting W & G dvds! Woohoo!

6) I used to do 1,000 sit-ups each night. Clearly I need to get back into it lol.

7) I am a wuss when I see a cockroach, beetle of any kind, and esp spiders. But put a mouse in the room and I'll be all "Awww how cute" with it! Go figure? If there's any sort of spider anywhere near me, no matter where I am, it could be the darn library and I'll grab someone to kill it for me! I don't want any chances of any spiders burying their pesky legs and teeth into my skin ever again! I have a scar on my face from one ever since 5th grade and I cringe whenever near one! Those suckers don't stand a chance if anywhere near me! I have no sympathy or love for these gross pests.

And to change up the rules to be a rebel,
Here's another one
8) I can't stand rules. Lol. I will find a way to bend any sort of rule for the hell of it just to be a bother and for my own pure joy. A true smart ass and rebel at heart! What can I say? But, hi, that's me! (wink wink)

Here you go Spencer bro! Sorry it took me forever and a few weeks! Lol. I so suck at these things, but it was fun anyway, - who knew it could be so enjoyable? Lol.

Ok so check out this link, click here.

My foot has started aching with horrendously awful throbbing and stinging again. I immediately scheduled a visit with my dr's office not wanting to chance any sort of worry with this issue... and after meeting with my dr, she wants to narrow it down and find out what's going on. So she's wondering if it may be DIABETES. So I'm scheduled to go back to the office this Saturday and do more blood work. Yeppers, more blood work. And this next Tue I have an appointment to go through the 2 hour Glucose Tolerance testing for Diabetes. I don't know what to think right now, so I'm just hanging tight and taking one day at a time of course, and we'll see. Apparently because of a previous dr visit a few weeks/months back, after discovering how horribly high my cholesterol levels have been, my dr is a bit worried that it could also play a factor in the cellulitis not healing. Clearly it could be a number of different things and we're back on the saddle figuring it all out again. Fun fun. In the meantime, I was not able to drive going home from work tonight (Thursday, yep I'm still up)... and had to call my roommies to come and get me. Ah the joys of medical issues. I have to be extremely cautious though as cellulitis is not a medical problem to take lightly at all. It is life threatening when not treated and as soon as I experienced sharp pain and misery, I called my dr's office ASAP.

I'll keep you all posted as I am. In the meantime I took some photos of my foot... it doesn't look like it did back on Sept 13th when I went kayaking and first discovered the discoloring as it worsened into black/blue/purple and red colors before making it to the dr's office at that time. It has since faded into a light red discoloration, and the pain has returned. I was unable to drive home from work last night (as it's my right foot) and the pain was too much to bear. So my roommates came and picked me up at my co-worker's house and helped get me and my car home. Fun fun.

2nd Attempt -S.A.T. test

2008-10-09T00:37:00.002-07:00

Hello, hello...

I wrote a long post earlier today and for some reason, it didn't save and I didn't have time to re-type it all.

So here is my 2nd attempt. Ergh. :)
Anyway, in response to Wendy's question about how it went...

Well, I don't know yet. The results will be posted online on Oct 23rd. Mailed out on Oct 31.

I may need to retake the test and that is ok. I overheard two gals talking, while there were about 100 or so other students and myself waiting to be let into the building of where we would take the test... and these two gals were discussing someone they knew who had already taken the S.A.T. test multiple times until she got a perfect score of 2400 as this person would be attending an Ivy League school or at least a school where she'll be going from 6-8 years of schooling. So, I started thinking that if I don't pass, I'd definitely retake...as I need to get over 1040 or 1050 (something like that for ASU) and if I don't... I'll definitely aim for a much higher score the next time around.

I'm also considering scheduling to take the A.C.T. test additionally if I need to retake the S.A.T. -that way I have a higher possibility of reaching a score of what is required for ASU to be able to attend. So I plan to get into ASU one way or another and if I have to wait a few more months, then so be it.

I will keep you all posted as I am.

Have a beautiful day tomorrow and catch you all later :)

My luv,
Christy :)

Man saves his dog from shark!

2008-10-03T23:22:00.001-07:00

You've got to see this video! (almost brought me to tears)

A Little Request from Little ol' me

2008-10-03T01:12:00.002-07:00

This SATURDAY at 7:45am I will be at the testing center for the S.A.T. test in which I have registered (and it ain't cheap). I'm getting super duper nervous people.

All I ask is a few little sweet prayers sent my way so that I can pass with what is required to be admitted into ASU (Arizona State University) so I can start registering for classes for January. If I do not get over 1040 or 1050 (I forget exact number) total on the math/reading sections together, then I won't be qualified to register at ASU. I need to just get over that score and I can register. Ergh.

I haven't had much time to study because I've put in so many hours of overtime at work that have been quite necessary. I've read a lot in my S.A.T. book though I wish I've had more time to study even more. So I'm about to start biting my fingernails, then toenails, and maybe even start pulling hair out soon. I'm a nervous wreck over here.

Wish me luck that I not only pass but that I pass with my fingernails, toenails and hair still in check! Lol.

Thanx mucho,
Christy

Disneyland Photos

2008-09-29T07:45:00.005-07:00

I finally received the photos from our trip to Disneyland a few weeks ago.

Long time no bloggin'...

2008-09-10T01:58:00.003-07:00

Hi hi, it's been awhile, I know. I've had so much going on, I haven't had time, nor the energy to focus on blogging my own posts, and frankly my mind has been fogged with so much going on. Also, I'm not currently using my own computer, so time is limited on this one.

So much to update. Basically, without all details, the trip to Disneyland was still fun and the race was awesome, though the trip was not ideal, as my boyfriend and I broke up Tue and we drove home Thursday, last week.

Friday night I talked with Alain, my dear friend, and arranged moving me out Sat late night. And we did as planned after she got off work around 10pm. We managed to get everything out in 2 hours without waking up Tobyn (homeowner/landlord).

Talk about a long, stressful, upsetting, spontaneous, overwhelming, fun and not fun, week!! Sunday late night, got the last of my things after Tobyn changed the locks on me. Nice huh?

I'm currently discussing legal matters with an attorney or two. Cautiously not listing too much info on here. For now anyway.

Talk about not even having really much time to grieve over the break up. There simply hasn't been time for it. Lol.

The trip was like a vacation from hell... I won't elaborate tonight. Too exhausted to even go into it. Though the race, the half marathon was AWESOME! I finished 13.1 miles in 3 hrs and 22min. My ex, Tony, finished in 3 hrs and 36 min. And you bet I was thrilled!

I'll post pictures when he sends them to me as they're on his camera and camera phone.

Next race is PF Chang's in January -FULL MARATHON!! My first Full Marathon. So I seriously need to get training for that one. And register for it too.

Also for anyone else that may be interested... I'm thinking of doing the half marathon at Walt Disney World called Disney's Princess Half Marathon in May 2009! I may even arrange a large group of women who are interested in going. This is the first time ever this race is put on! This is the inaugural event! Seems super fun! Any DIET DIVAS interested???

It's late, and I'm falling asleep as I type this, so I will return later with more news.
Oh yah real quick... I've registered for the S.A.T. and test is on Oct 4th! So I'll be studying my little heart out on a regular basis. Wish me luck! :)

Countdown begins... woohoo!

2008-08-24T13:28:00.004-07:00

Next Sunday Aug 31st is our RACE DAY! I'm soooooooo excited and can't wait! Tony and I drive out Fri evening to California. Saturday we will go to the Expo and pick up our race info, chips, etc. We will spend Saturday at California Adventure and that night is our huge pasta dinner in the park with the other runners! Yay!

Sunday race begins at 6am! We have to arrive before 4:30am as that is when the last shuttle will take us to the start line. Our hotel is really close, so no worries in that dept. Yay!

After the race, we plan to take a nap at the hotel and play with Astro (Tony's dog-we're bringing him with us), and then go back to play at Disneyland.

I forget what all we are doing on which days, but Tue we are also going to tour MUD (Make-Up Designory) school and then off to the LA Zoo. Lotsa play time!

(Well, I had to stop where I was above, because I received a phone call from my prego woman friend Kimber, and take her to the hospital as she was in pain. Her hubby was at church and they only have one car. So I've just returned from the hospital and all is ok. Despite the fact that her ribs are separating from cartilage, and apparently this is normal. Weird. So she needs to really limit her motions and what she does while at work etc. Poor gal.)

So I wanted to let you all know that if you click here you could see in detail what all we will be doing in Disneyland!

I've also sent a couple emails out to a few people letting them know how to track Tony or myself while we're running the race! So if any of you are also interested in tracking us, please feel free to let me know and I'll be happy to send you the same info as well.

I'm just waiting for the sun to go down and go run a good 10mile run tonight. Maybe I'll go for a swim too. Ahhh.

Update on measurements!!

2008-08-20T08:34:00.009-07:00

Gradual progress, but progress!! Yay! I've been receiving compliments at work quite a bit lately. So even though the numbers are small numbers, it's a noticeable difference and I feel great! Anxious to get even more inches off and more weight lost! Yay for me! I'll take a photo later. Gonna get ready to go run and see if there are any differences in measurements before/after running, what can I say, I'm totally curious! Hee hee

2 0 0 8
------------------------------------B4 Run
---------June-------Aug 2nd------Aug 20th
Thighs ---24--------- 24------------24
Arms ----13 1/2----- 12------------12
Chest ----42--------- 41 1/2--------40
Waist ----40--------- 38 1/2--------37
Hips -----43--------- 42------------42
Neck ------?--------- 14------------14
Weight -168/169----- 158----------156.4

OK, so I re-measured after my run. I ran from 9:50am - 10:44am 3.6m (actually 3.5m in 50 min, I walked the rest home and had to wait to cross street etc. hee hee). Oh and this was running along the canal with hills in mid morning to almost noon heat in Arizona!! So, all in all, if I can run this good in this horribly hot weather, then I'm sure I'll do great in cool Cali weather! I can't wait!

So, after measuring myself again, and weighing myself (keep in mind I drank 40 oz of water too), my weight went to exactly 156, and the other measurements were up by an inch or so. WOW! So esp running in this AZ heat, the body does swell up a bit. I will definitely continue measurements in the future before running! Lol. I didn't even want to post the measurements, you can estimate why. Lol.

Have a great day all,
My luv,
Christy

Whew -sigh-

2008-08-18T00:23:00.002-07:00

Hello, I'm super pooped out.

Stress at home.
Stress at work.
Stress with finances.
Stress with relationships in general (not with my man).
Stress with family.
Stress in life.
Stress with decisions to make.
Ugh. Stress, stress, stress.

I'm trying to watch out for my health. I am not supposed to get stressed out.
I have cholesterol so high, it's out of my range.

How to de-stress?

I exercise.
I run.
I'm now doing push-ups (Thanx Merrianne/Amy-Diet Divas)

Planning vacation and all the responsibilities that need to be taken care of before-hand and during.

Trying to get involved in fundraising for 3-day Komen's Breast Cancer Walk. Then I find out while doing budgeting today, I can't participate. I can't afford it. I'm too involved in a few other big events anyway. {Bummer, sad}

Planning to register by Sept 9th (costly too) for SAT test on Oct 4th. Studying. Lotsa stuff to study.

Roommate situation has been tense. {enter sad face}
Another friend offering me spare room at her house and for less rent cost. {enter confused face, weighing pros/cons, gotta make decision}

My roommie is more anal than my super anal friend. How weird is that? And my friend is indeed super anal. I can handle anal, but now I'm wondering, insanely anal? Hmmmm.

Errrrrgh, I moved into a place to rent a room, to lessen financial stress, now it seems worse. I'm just hanging in there until Sept/Oct when I should be able to move back into my old dept and make the money I was making before I was demoted. I was actually supposed to start NEW training tomorrow! But because I'm going on vacation I'll be out for three days and it cuts into training schedule. Sadly, I've already had this training before, but it doesn't make any difference. Rules are rules. Ergh again.

So, I'm kinda counting down the days.

Not only for our super fun Disneyland trip, but also for when I can make the extra money I was making before I moved. I've been in the same financial scene I was in before I moved, just with even less money and tighter. Grrrr. I know we all have this sorta stress, or at least most of us do, Remember, I also blog my frustrations when I need some sort of therapy and this is my therapy too. Hee hee.

Why is it that men are so dumb? Ok, not all men, but generally speaking, yah. I'm learning that I live with two very unhappy men. Talk about a downer. They can't stand to see me in a happy relationship with Tony and daily I hear one reason or another of why I should leave my boyfriend. What the hell? It's really starting to bug me.

Well there are other issues now going on in the house, and I'm thinking we're all going to be keeping to ourselves quite a bit. I'm trying to turn a bummer situation into a better one... but how is that done when you feel like you are communicating with a brick wall when you thought you were discussing an issue with a person? Argh. I feel like no matter what I say, I've been turned OFF like a light switch. And I'm not being heard.

I know I'm being very vague on here. And for a reason. I don't want to go into it all right now. It's lengthy and exhausting. And not even worth going into right now. Maybe later.

Anyway....on to better things.

Sat night was fun. Tony picked me up and we met my old dear friend Ben Catlin and his wife Rachel for dinner at Texas Roadhouse. What a fun night! I hadn't seen them both since the night of their wedding. So it was really fun to see them. I think it's been since about 2004/2005 I forget. It's been awhile. So we caught up on everything and plan to hook up for more fun times. I'm sooooo happy to have my buddy Ben in my life again, and excited to get to know Rachel even more. She is very sweet and a good fit for Ben and his family for sure. :)

I'm still going to tour MUD (Make-Up Designory)school while we are in CA. And it looks like Tony has found a job to apply for out in Anaheim at Disneyland. Yay!

No decisions have been made or set in stone, so we'll see where life takes us in the next 6 months or so. Lol. With me, one surely never knows, not even me. LOL.

I'll write more later, I'm kinda under-the-weather, so I'll spare y'all the blue-ness. Off to go study.

Blowin' kisses,
My luv,
Christy :)

Busy BIRTHDAY weekend!

2008-08-12T10:46:00.006-07:00

Wow what a fun BIRTHDAY weekend!

Saturday late morning (slept in after working til midnight and staying up a couple hours) I went for a super quick run (maybe 2 miles) ...bolted home, cleaned up and met up with two super girlfriends Kimber and Pam. There was a bridal shower going on early afternoon that some friends were putting on...as we know the groom but we do not know the bride. Anyway, the bride, Barbara is here from a different state, so the girls wanted to put on a bridal shower for her (and esp for Mike, the groom). So Kimber, Pam and I went shopping! We went to Fascinations. YEPPPPP one of those stores! Haha! Bought some super fun things... glow-in-the-dark hand cuffs, signs with messages, hugs & kisses coupons, lots of fun little things for in the bedroom, tee hee. We had a ball, and did our best to keep it G/or PG rated. Lol. I went with them to Costco to pick up a berry cheesecake for the fun shower.

Then the girls were off to the shower and I hooked up with another friend Alain. Alain met me at Taco Bell, I walked there from Costco, yah I totally spaced following them in my own car... since they had planned to go straight to the shower in Gilbert. Silly me. I get sidetracked or distracted of any kind, and I space it. Lol. My wonderful friend Alain, picked me up at Taco Bell. We stayed there and chatted for awhile first. Got a few munchies too. Heh heh. I was starvin' marvin'.

After that we were off to the movies! We went to see a scary movie, because I especially wanted to see at least one scary movie for my birthday and Alain had been in the mood for one too and had no one to go with... perfect plan! We both wanted to see one... and we discovered THE STRANGERS with Liv Tyler (I'll post a trailer on here below the text). We loved it! After feeling totally tense and scared outta our skin... we decided to see a happy movie. Tee hee. So we bought tickets to see WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS with Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher. Talk about FUUUUNNNNY! We sooooo loved it. (I'll post a trailer of this too) After laughing sooooooo hard and loving the good feel of a happy movie... heh heh, we went to RED LOBSTER for dinner. Had the most yummy dinner... and when I came out of the ladies' room, three server gals were waiting to sing to me with a super yummy dessert on the table. I was kinda embarrassed, and grateful they sang soft and so pretty... lol. Oh and this was no simple scoop of ice cream with a little hershey sauce... nope nope... this was a yummy scrumptious thick baked goooey choc chip cookie with vanilla ice cream on top and a little hersheys drizzled. OMG, heavenly.

To end our fun night... we went for a walk around my neighborhood, checked out the community pool, since I hadn't seen it yet and was curious, and OMG talk about a perfect lap pool and a jacuzzi to boot! I'm soooo gonna start using it. We dipped our feet and chatted for a little while. A sweet beautiful day.

S U N D A Y ~ my birthday ~
Tony came to pick me up around 10am and we went to AZ Science Center. On the way we stopped for a bite to eat at Arby's. Chatted for a little while then were off for a science day! We walked through the Narnia exhibit, which held many of the props from the film, film clips, behind the scenes of how they did this or that, built the castle etc, it was really cool. Then we watched a film on IMAX screen about Sea Monsters. It was cool. And off to the Planetarium to watch a documentary about Black Holes. That was really fascinating. The film screen was the entire ceiling and it was completely opal/circular and awesome. (this took us about 4-5 hours to do)

Then we went to dinner at Carraba's in Chandler. Yummy yum dinner... oooh la la. Watched a little olympics on the tv screen by our table... and had a fun time. I love my sweet man T. Then we went back to his place, and another friend of mine, Laura, was on her way to pick me up. Tony totally crashed on the sofa. He was super tired. Poor guy. Gave him a sweet kiss for a fun day and I was off.

Laura and I went for a walk. We were going to go for ice cream, but my server at Carraba's totally surprised me and brought me a dessert. Vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce, and cinnamon/brown sugar (something) covered pecans... oh my yummylicious. I was ice creamed out. lol.

So we went for a walk on the canal, and I was super happy to get in some exercise at least with all the heaviness of big dishes. And we had a fun time talking and walking. Laura, thank you for the sweet ULTA gift card. I'll put that to some fun use and let you know what I get. Yay! {hugz}

My day ended nicely and I loved my weekend.

Monday morning before work (yesterday)... I met up with my two cousins Diana and Katie for lunch at Chipotle (Tempe Marketplace). Had an AWWWWESUM time! We soooo need to do this more often. I love my beautiful cousins. We met up to discuss my plans of going to ASU for nutrition etc. The girls gave me so much to ponder and consider. So I'm in pondering mode. Lol. And truly grateful for the information that was given to me. I wish I had my camera and took photos of our time at lunch. It was soooo good to see them and spend good time with them. We did a lot of catch up in our personal lives and it was super fun. I love you girls so much. {{Hugz}}

Diana, thank you so much for the cute purse notepad and the card with the bookmarks (jewelry) ...awwww so sweet. I love it. I'm so glad we were able to hook up and have lunch. {hugs again}

And off to work I went...
Fun weekend. (little happy sighs, it's over) I really enjoyed myself. Thank you everyone. :)

I received text messages gallore, poor Tony had to keep waiting for me to read all of my text messages and respond, received a couple calls that I couldn't take. THANK YOU Spencer, Merrianne, Libby and Jacob for the gorgeously sweet Happy Bday song singing on the message you left me. I love it.

Not to leave out... Wendy cuz girl, thank you so much for the A NEW EARTH book and the WHAT THE BLEEP? dvds... I'm still trying to get to the other two discs. Loved the first one! Haven't read all of the book yet, but I will and I'll keep you updated too. :) {{Hugz to you too}}

And I missed hooking up with a few other people because my schedule was so full. I feel so loved and blessed with beautiful friends and family that love me. Hugz and blowin' kisses to all of you.
Thank you for making my day so special and fun.
LuvLuvLuv,
Christy :)

Ohhh oh, and would you believe I ran into an old friend from high school I hadn't seen since 1992 and of all places at work!? We've been working in the same building and our paths hadn't crossed until I ran into a file with her name on it, sent her an email and we found each other. She works on the east side of the building and I work on the west side. I've been there a year come November and she's been with the company for six years, worked five of those years in this very building and we never bumped into each other. Wow! Share the same lunchroom/breakroom, restrooms etc... sooooo weird. My dear friend Lori Fajardo! We are totally going to hook up and catch up on the years we've missed. And I was just thinking of her weeks ago. So weird. And I almost didn't recognize her. Such a great reunion! I'm soooooooooo happy to have her in my life again. She wrote me while I was on my mission and that was the last of our contact. She has two pretty little girls now. I'm soooo happy to get to spend time with her again. Awwww this day couldn't have been better. Grrrrrreat birthday gift from God. Thank you God. Mwah mwah.

And now the trailers as I mentioned above:

THE STRANGERS with Liv Tyler (based on true story, and can actually happen today)

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS with Cameron Diaz, Ashton Kutcher

Whewieeeee !

2008-08-07T11:47:00.001-07:00

Preparing for ASU - here I come!

Ok so I just learned that I won't have to re-take the GED! (big sigh) whewie. I was told the other day that I need a score of 500 or higher on GED. My score on my GED is 255 with a battery score of 51. So I naturally freaked. Thought I would need to re-take etc. Then, last night I was online and discovered that the GED I took in 1990 was GED 1988 test/scores. There has since been a whole new test, with all new scoring system as of 2002. By 2012/2013 there will be another new GED/test etc. Soooo, I called ASU admissions to find out if there is a different score expectation for the GED 1988. THERE IS! Would you believe 50 or higher on the battery score and I have a 51 !!! I made it! Whoooewie.

So, thankfully I don't have to re-take the GED test!! Yay! I read last night that the whole test has changed and it would contain all sorts of information that I didn't learn! Ikes. Concentrations in different topics have changed etc.

I'm flying on Cloud 9 right now!

Next, my focus is on SAT testing now. I will stop by on my way to work to pick up an SAT book to have an idea of what to be ready for come test day (Oct 4th). I have to register by Sept 9th. So much to do still. (little sighs, but happy sighs...)

Experimenting

2008-08-05T09:22:00.011-07:00

So I'm thinking about posting a before/during photo and then I'll keep updating with before/during/after photos while I'm going through the process of shedding pounds and fat.

Can you believe I thought I was fat in the photo below? This is me on my mission (Early 1994) in Minnesota (Alexandria) My 2nd area. Do you see my waist? I actually have a shirt tucked into a skirt! Gosh, to be able to do that again! :)

Here I am in the photo below, at one of my most fittest times in my life. I believe this was taken around 1998-1999. I'm not sure when exactly. I was working out at the gym with a trainer, and then around 2000 I worked out with a military trainer, actually carrying a barbell while running on a mountain etc... I was into hardcore training methods. You can't see it in this photo, but I had a 6-pak developing at this stage in my life. I'd like to get near this again. Can you believe it was only a short time, within 3-5 years after this was taken that I started gaining all the weight.

The photo below was taken Christmas Day 2006, if memory serves right.

The photo above was during Summer 2007 (August) at Disneyland. Tony and I went there just a week or so before he was going into the hospital for his bone marrow transplant. Andrea and her family happened to be going there while we were there. So we hooked up one day for a few hours. It so happened to be our last day, and their first I think. Uck, notice how big I am in this photo? I didn't have many clothes I could even fit into. Not a fun size... but we had a blast at Disneyland. ;)

And here I am above Christmas Day 2007. Kinda hard to see exactly how big I am, but you can still tell. Showing some sort of timeline anyway. And most recent below...

The photo above was taken last month (July 2008) when my friend Keith arrived at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport with a layover between flights. I jetted over there to say hi. We had maybe 20 minutes to chat before he hopped onto the next flight. He's a great friend and I was so ecstatic he let me know he was here even shortly. That's my bud. :)

Running Improvement - Yay

2008-08-02T10:27:00.006-07:00

So I am waking earlier and earlier - yipee!

Woke up at about 10 min til 6 am this morning... just before my alarm was supposed to go off at 6! Wow! Was out the door by 6:30-6:40am and OFF RUNNING! I completed 11.71 miles in 3 hrs and 10 min (That's burning 1170 calories -yeehaw!). Not quite my goal for today but I was only off by 10 minutes! So not too bad. I was hoping to get 12 miles in at 3 hours... but hey if only two days ago, I completed 9.25 miles in 2 1/2 hours ... I'd say I stepped it up a bit anyway. So that's major improvement! I figure I will be ready come Aug 31st the morning of the Half Marathon at Disneyland which is just slightly over 13 miles. As long as I can finish in 3 hours... I've accomplished my own personal goal! And if I go over a bit, that's ok... at least I'm not far from it and I still have 3-4 weeks to go!

Ok, I'm gonna get a little personal on here, at least for me, so here are my measurements in comparison to a month or so ago:

------------June-------Today/August
Thighs -----24---------------- 24
Arms ------13 1/2------------ 12
Chest ------42---------------- 41 1/2
Stomach ---40---------------- 38 1/2
Hips -------43---------------- 42
Neck -------?----------------- 14
Weight ----168/169---------- 158

Not too bad eh? And still going... Of course I've taken these measurements right after running my long run today... so I'll do again after I shower and clean up and see if there's any difference. I may have swollen up a little from the heat too. Usually after an hour or two of relaxing, I feel different. Who knows? Maybe it's just me, lol.

Y'all have a great day! ;)

Life Changes

2008-07-31T12:16:00.005-07:00

Life is all about change - right?

Well first things first... I've been running and getting the miles in for preparation of my half marathon at Disneyland Aug 31st!! I ran 9.25 miles this morning and by golly I gotta step up the pace even more... I finished in 2 1/2 hours but I need to be running quicker... and I tell ya I'm doing good for the first 3.53 miles I ran in 45 min but after that I ended up walking a bit because of the AZ heat. Ugh. And I've been hitting the pavement/dirt canal even earlier in the mornings but yet I guess I still need to get out even earlier. The heat sure slows me down after my first 5 miles into it. Ergh.

Second, I've made a huge decision to forego the plan of going to Burbank CA to MUD (MakeUp Designory school). For the past couple years I've had some issues with my hands and I am thinking it's the early stages of arthritis. The last 2-3 months have been worse. The pain is consistent and hurts to use a writing utensil for any time over 5 minutes... holding a book while reading becomes painful, even typing is getting harder. So I've looked online with Tony and we found a computer dictation software program that I would speak into a microphone and it does the typing for me. I'll be getting that sometime in the near future. It's costly, but affordable. Anyway, back to PLAN B!

I've pondered for a long while now, and didn't want to say anything to anyone until I had made a decision that I feel is a good one. I've been thinking of going back to my original plan of going to school. Getting an education. As my plan was to finish make-up artistry and get into the field and then go back for more education anyhow. Instead, I don't want to go into the make-up field only to discover I can't even use my hands. Then what? I'm stuck. And time wasted?... hmmm.

So I've been pondering my other many interests. Where to go now? I always have an interest in nutrition/fitness. So I'm thinking since I could use some benefits in my own life/health and it would be cool to help others too... why not? So I'm looking into studying Dietetics and get a Bachelor's degree in that. ASU Polytechnic school in East Mesa has a great program for it. So I have arranged to meet up with two of my cousins Diana and Katie who have both studied Nutrition in school. Diana finished studying Health Promotional Wellness or something like it, and Katie finished in Dietetics. And they have both had awesome jobs and say that I would love it. So we are hooking up in about a week or two after Katie returns from vacation to discuss this further. Yay!

I'm also setting up an appointment to meet with an academic/admissions advisor at ASU to get started. So, yah, I know, big change and I hope y'all don't think I'm a flake for it. Life sometimes has a different plan for us huh? I guess I'm just meant to stay in good ol' Arizona a little longer. It's nice though because Tony and I have discussed it and I also want to learn a new language and I'm going to study German while in school too. Tony speaks it pretty fluently though he says he has more to learn and practice... but we could speak it to each other and it would be fun, and he could help me practice etc. Plus we plan to visit and live in Germany someday. So that would be cool. Fun fun.

More later, gotta go get ready for work! Joy joy :)

BATMAN

2008-07-18T11:45:00.003-07:00

OK, T got us tickets to go see a midnight showing last night at San Tan Village! We had to drive quite far, but we didn't care! We wanted to see it. It was soldout nationwide... and that included tempe marketplace, though they added a 3:30am show... we didn't want to see it that late.

We totally loved it!! I won't say anything to spoil it for anyone... but ya gotta go see this one! We really enjoyed it! There was clapping at the end of the show too. Heath Ledger was awesome! The theater was jam packed and we were lucky we avoided sitting in the front row this time like we did in INDIANA JONES movie. We were an hour early to that one too. Stopped at the concession stand for food/drinks and that killed us. So this time, I told T what I wanted and he stood in line at concession while I bolted for the theater and we managed to get two seats in the fourth row from the front row. Not bad. And near the middle too. (We were an hour early to this one as well)

I'd love to see this one again... so definitely a must-see! :)

{preview/trailer below if interested}

MIDNIGHT Tonight

2008-07-17T08:30:00.002-07:00

This is what I'm going to go see tonight with T at midnight showing! Yipeeee!

I was Tagged again by Merrianne -thanx girlie! :)

2008-07-13T09:57:00.010-07:00

Attached or Single? Kinda both LOL :) I'm in a relationship with my sweet man T, but I'm still single, not married.

Best friend? Which one? Lol. I have a lot of them. But I'd have to say that T is my best friend. We can talk for hours and we enjoy each other's company. As for my girl-friends... Laura D. She has done so much for me over the time we've known each other and she truly understands me better than most. She will drop everything when I need help with something and is always there for me. Luv Ya Girlie...and LuvYa T man.

Cake or pie? PIE for sure! I'm a pie-girl! Any kind of pie :)

Day of choice? Saturdays and Sundays

Myspace Weekend Comments & Graphics

Favorite color? YELLOW! I like RED too.

Gummy bears or worms? Neither, yuck! plewwy ewwy yuck, pluh pluh lol

Hometown? Glendale AZ. I was born in Phoenix, and my family moved to Mesa AZ during the month I turned 15 yrs old (August). So Mesa has also become my hometown.

Ideal vacation? I'm with you Merrianne, a trip around the world is something I've always wanted to do. That would be glorious! As for a vacation, typically, I like the beach, I like Disneyland, fun places and depending on the occasion, anywhere in the woods, sometimes I just need and want to get out of the city-life. :)

January or July? January, I love the cold over the hot anytime. And it's snow season - snow skiing - yeppers!

Marriage date? Don't have one.

Number of siblings? 4

Oranges or apples? Either, depends on my mood lol

Phobias? Spiders, (like Merrianne), Scorpions (yep, we gotta worry about those where I live), Snakes (ew), Cockroaches (gross, and we have ones with wings here-ew huh?), any body of water esp the OCEAN! Scared to death of it -ikes!

Quote? "Completion comes not from adding another piece to ourselves but from surrendering our ideas of perfection." --Book, GOING TO PIECES WITHOUT FALLING APART, by Mark Epstein, M.D.

Reasons to smile? LOL, I have a long list because I started one on my mission for bad days. Lol. So I'll try to keep this one short. My sweet man T of course, my bro Spencer/Merrianne and their family (I adore them and appreciate them sooooo much), my cousin Wendy (she's totally rad, man, -hee hee, couldn't resist, she's awesum!), all of my many friends all over the world (I've been seriously blessed all my life with great friends), and my adorable cat makes me smile too. Tee hee. Flowers, esp daisies, being in the mountains, hiking, running, biking, birthdays, etc.
Myspace Friends Comments

Season of choice? Autumn (Fall)

Tag three people: Hmmm, ANYONE, please feel free to do this and consider yourself tagged. Tee hee.

Unknown fact about me: I can read 15 books at the same time! lol. I'm about halfway through most of them. Lol. And I'm great at cryptograms! Love 'em!

Vegetable? All of 'em! I luv 'em all :) Yum yum. I guess to pinpoint one though, hmmm I can't, I like variety...wait I do like peas, and cooked carrots, mmmm. Though I'd eat 'em raw or cooked.

Worst habit? Being LATE. I'm working on it though. (sigh)

X-ray or ultrasounds? Don't know... I've done x-rays... don't particularly like it, so I would suppose ultrasounds are far more cool.

Your favorite food? LOL, Thai, Mexican, Seafood, Sushi, Oriental, Hungarian, Middle Eastern, Indian, and definitely Meat & Potatoes Food!

Zodiac sign? LEO, definitely a true LEO! Grrrr Hear Me Roar!

Zodiac Graphic Comments

Astronaut Farmer & Number 23

2008-07-09T12:50:00.001-07:00

T and I have been watching a lot of movie videos lately. T has netflix and it has been his latest goal to watch all of 2007 movies. So far we've watched a lot of them, he told me exactly how many the other day and I forgot already. I'll ask him where we are at again, and then I'll let you know. Lol.

ASTRONAUT FARMER is a great movie. If you've seen OCTOBER SKY, then you'd more than likely enjoy this one too. Billy Bob Thornton, Virginia Madsen (also in Number 23, below) and Bruce Willis are in this flick.

ASTRONAUT FARMER movie trailer (unreleased)

NUMBER 23 was a strange movie with a great ending. I thought it was kinda weird at first and through most of it, then nearing the end of the show it takes a crazy turn and I was impressed. I really liked the end of this movie. (Remember, I'm weird though when it comes to film and what I like, lol) Featuring Jim Carrey and Virginia Madsen.

NUMBER 23 movie trailer

Did you know? - Gas prices BAIT & SWITCH

2008-07-09T12:41:00.001-07:00

Important ! Watch below ...

Sweet Lounging Day

2008-07-06T16:32:00.010-07:00

Happy Sunday!

I'm off to T's to order a pizza for dinner and watch a movie!

USO Diary

2008-07-05T11:13:00.007-07:00

I'm posting Kellie Pickler's 6 days in IRAQ USO-Diary. This is really interesting (as well as entertaining) to get a closer look at the troops and what they do over in IRAQ and how they are living over there.

12-12-07 Day 1

Part 2 (Day 2)

Part 3 (Day 2, 3)

Part 4 (Day 4, 5)

Part 5 (Day 6)

One for fun posted by one of the military men that sang with Kellie: (lol)

4th of July fun

2008-07-05T08:30:00.007-07:00

Hope you all had a fun 4th of July and are enjoying your holiday weekend thus far. I went with T and a few friends to the ball game last night (Dbax vs Padres) and unfortunately we lost. It was a very slow game and no one was winning for awhile. Then Padres were winning (sorry I don't remember the scores) and we had all bases full etc. It was amazingly bad. Lol. I couldn't believe how crazy it was when none of those guys on bases actually made it to home base. My memory is so poor that I don't even really recall what happened in detail, but it was weird some of the things that did happen. I don't know the names of the players etc, so it's hard for me to give details, but for example such things as one player not being where supposed to be and another missing a catch or something, or one player stealing a base, multiple things occuring during the game. I'd turn my head and be socializing or something and all of a sudden something odd would happen and the crowd would be in disarray. And I would hear something strange happened. Weird game. Lol.

However, we had a blast nonetheless!

Before all this, T picked me up at 2:50pm and we headed out to pick up my friend Alain who joined us since we had an extra ticket. We met up with T's friend Scott/his fiance Michelle, Michelle's Mom, and three of their friends at Cooperstown (Alice Cooper's restaurant) downtown Phoenix walking distance from Chase stadium. We had a marvie dinner -each of us in our own delightful heaven as all of our food was tasty and delicious. T had his yummy BBQ ribs and slices of turkey breast with a side of BBQ beans and coleslaw. He was on Cloud 9 with his yummy dish. :) Alain ordered the corned beef sandwich that included sauerkraut and looked mighty good. I ordered the fish tacos and oh my gosh were they ever so scrumptious. Talk about meaty fish! I was swimming in my own pool of heaven too. Alain and I both enjoyed the same sides of french fries and mandarin oranges. I know strange combo, but I'm telling ya, it sure sounded good as hot as it was yesterday and it tasted as good too. And Alain said her sandwich was super good too. It was a fun atmosphere as it was super packed with loud music, but not too loud to be heard in conversation which was nice. It was certainly a happenin' place! After that we were off to the game!

T-shirts were being handed out -so we each were given a free t-shirt and it looks awesome! We didn't get any pictures taken, too involved in all the fun! So I don't have any to share. I'm tellin' ya, I will need to upgrade my cell phone to a camera phone so I can take more photos soon.

There was a fantastic energy at the ball game! Completely sold out! There were over 49,000 (again I don't remember exact number) and the stadium itself holds 45,000 ticket holders. There was standing room only places used up too. It was a packed house, I'm tellin' ya! It was so cool.

There were 5 marines in uniform at the game only like 5 rows in front of us and when they first arrived the audience went wild. The just stood in the aisle as the audience hooted, howled and gave praise and honor to them. It was awesome.

When the pre-game events started, I was walking around the place trying to find a coke drink for T, when I finally learned there were no coke products in the entire place as Pepsi is a sponsor (lesson learned lol). In the meantime, the pre-game events started. There were military leaders on the field and military men were being awarded The Purple Heart award. It was very cool.

Halfway through the game, at least if I remember right it was halfway ...songs were played on the screen with words so all could join in ... and we all sang together a patriotic song and then of course the famous ball game TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME song. That was fun.

After the game ended, the top of the dome was pulled back and opened so we could all move forward and onto the field up to a point before the grass starts etc., and the fireworks show started for us. I have found a video of what we saw last night. It was really cool. At one time the song that we all love and I'm posting that on here too, played during the fireworks (among many other songs too) however, this particular song when it played EVERYONE in the stadium (remember this is a full house) sang this together and I had to stop Alain and T from singing to tell them to listen to the crowd... talk about amazing. The energy was so abundant last night. I was filled with love and peace and it filled the air around us. A truly wonderful experience :)

God Bless the USA song we all sang together at Chase field last night during fireworks:

And a glimpse at the fireworks show we saw at Chase field last night:

Happy Independence Day everyone! :)

Found this, it's actually kinda funny

2008-07-03T10:42:00.002-07:00

I started browsing other blogs and found this one:

"As I mentioned in the post below, my husband and I produced an independent television pilot. Here is a very short "behind the scenes" video my husband put together."

In Remembrance and Gratitude of our FREEDOMS

2008-07-02T12:19:00.003-07:00

In celebrating Fourth of July ...

Unforgettable Pictures - The top video clips of the week are here

The below was sent to me via email...

FRIENDS ARE BORN,NOT MADE
This is a poem being sent from a Marine to his Dad. For those who take the time to read it, you'll see a letter from him to his dad at the bottom. It makes you truly thankful for not only the Marines, but ALL of our troops.

THE MARINE

We all came together,
Both young and old
To fight for our freedom,
To stand and be bold.

In the midst of all evil,
We stand our ground,
And we protect our country From all terror around.

Peace and not war,
Is what some people say.
But I'll give my life,
So you can live the American way.

I give you the right
To talk of your peace.
To stand in your groups,
and protest in our streets.

But still I fight on,
I don't bitch, I don't whine. I'm just one of the people
Who is doing your time.

I'm harder than nails,
Stronger than any machine.
I'm the immortal soldier,
I'm a U.S.MARINE!

So stand in my shoes,
And leave from your home.
Fight for the people who hate you,
With the protests they've shown.

Fight for the stranger,
Fight for the young.
So they all may have,
The greatest freedom you've won

Fight for the sick,
Fight for the poor
Fight for the cripple,
Who lives next door.

But when your time comes, Do what I've done.
For if you stand up for freedom,
You'll stand when the fight's done

By: Corporal Aaron M. Gilbert , US Marine Corps
USS SAIPAN,PERSIAN GULF

March 23, 2003
Hey Dad, Do me a favor and label this 'The Marine' and send it to everybody on your email list. Even leave this letter in it. I want this rolling all over the US; I want every home reading it. Every eye seeing it. And every heart to feel it. So can you please send this for me? I would but my email time isn't that long and I don't have much time anyway.

You know what Dad? I wondered what it would be like to truly understand what JFK said in His inaugural speech. ' When the time comes to lay down my life for my country, I do not cower from this responsibility. I welcome it.' Well, now I know. And I do. Dad, I welcome the opportunity to do what I do. Even though I have left behind a beautiful wife, and I will miss the birth of our first born child, I would do it 70 times over to fight for the place that God has made for my home. I love you all and I miss you very much. I wish I could be there when Sandi has our baby, but tell her that I love her, and Lord willing, I will be coming home soon. Give Mom a great big hug from me and give one to yourself too.
Aaron

Please let this marine (and all our military)know we care by passing his poem onto your friends, even if you don't usually take time to forward mail...do it this time!
Thanks,

Let's help Aaron's dad spread the word.....
FREEDOM isn't FREE
Someone pays for you and me.

Swiched original Writing Corner to Writing Corner2

2008-07-02T11:31:00.003-07:00

Hi, I've re-created my writing corner blog. This will be Christy's Writing Corner2.

So the address has changed by adding a "2" ... http://christyswritingcorner2.blogspot.com/ instead of my previous which was exactly the same, only difference is that number 2 at end of URL address. Please make note if you'd like to check up on this blog. Thank you.

I changed it because I wanted to keep all my blogs together for easier access for me for updating etc. I will be deleting the other one soon. Comments are available for viewing if wanted, that's the only reason I'm keeping the original (http://christyswritingcorner.blogspot.com/) posted for a short while. I may want to view comments read until I move on and time passes.

So, I've included all the past posts, hence the long postings for one day (today). I will add additional writing exercises from this blog here on out.

Have a great day!

Another GREAT movie ...

2008-06-27T10:06:00.007-07:00

T and I watched this the other night...and OMG it was amazing! At first I wasn't sure if it was going to be any good from the beginning... but it somehow kept my interest and drew me in more and more.

Then it just kept getting better and better. It was like reading a good book... and watching the movie come alive. The characters come alive. It was something else. Very remarkable.

After the movie ended, we both were like, "WOW, that was breathtakingly good!" Very very good. Then I shared my thoughts with him as I wrote above, and he said he felt the same way.

We both really enjoyed this movie and I would highly recommend it. However, if you are not religious or spiritual, you may not get the same from it. Even-so though, I've always been surprised by people, so you may enjoy it nonetheless. If you watch it, please let me know how you feel about it and how it may or may not have affected you. I'd like to hear any thoughts on it. I was so moved by this film.

The Last Sin Eater movie trailer

Thursday Thrills...

2008-06-27T08:54:00.015-07:00

So, yesterday was a good day. I discovered only the day previously that I had 9.81 vacation hours to use up before Monday the 30th of this month or lose them. Nice huh? Esp since I had just used up a number of them earlier because I had found out a few weeks ago (yep I forgot I had some left) because I was saving them for my trip to CA end of Aug for the half marathon at Disneyland. Grrrr. Anyway, I was able to use them yesterday...and after putting in so much extra time to make up for hours missed the week prior -it was nice to leave early. I was able to leave at 2:30pm yesterday and completed enough extra time to fill my pay period at 80 hrs. Wahoo!

So I jetted over to T's to make the 3:10pm showing of GET SMART movie. We had to go right away because we were using my Harkins passes and anything new had to be seen before 6pm and T had an HOA meeting to attend at 6pm too. So I'm posting the trailer clip below. We both loved it! It was actually very funny. When we got to the theater, I asked the concession guy helping us if he had seen it and he replied that he's going on fourth time! Obviously a fan. Lol. That made me feel good. Plus he just kept going and going and going on about it. T had a huge ear-to-ear grin that looked in-erasable. Lol. He had been wanting to see this for a long while. He loved the tv series. I wasn't as excited to see it, but I remember the series and I did enjoy it too. I was pleasantly surprised how entertaining the film was and I had a good time.

Because I have four Harkins movie passes... I told T he could pick a movie and then I'd pick one. We may go see either THE HAPPENINGS (M. Night Shyamalan-spell?- movie) or WANTED w/Angelina Jolie. Was anxious to see the first one I listed... but then heard that WANTED starts today. Hmmmm...super tough call now. We will probably go see WANTED. Looks soooooooooooo good. Tee hee. Hope you enjoy the trailer below... gosh it was such a good movie. I could see myself watching this over and over again. Too cute. If you haven't seen it, you should. Good dry humor. I love dry humor.

Get Smart Trailer

About GET SMART -director Peter Segal :)
Get Smart

Then, later last night, I went back over to T's after his HOA meeting which he wasn't done until around sometime after 10pm... he got into a long chat with one other guy. Anyway, I went back over to his place and we watched MUSIC and LYRICS movie with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. I had seen it before but T hadn't. He gets netflix movies through the mail and it has been his goal lately to watch all of 2007 movies, with the exception of the ones we have already seen. So if he's seen one already -he checks with me to see if I want to see it and if not he refuses it. And if it's one I had seen but he hasn't, he checks with me also to see if I want to see again, cuz usually I do. Lol. What can I say? I'm a huge big-time movie buff! Duh, why else do you think I like the film industry so much?! Always have, always will. One day I'll make it to Hollywood and work as a make-up artist! Indeed, indeed I will. :)

Here's a trailer for MUSIC & LYRICS if you haven't seen it. Really cute show. I told T how much I liked that one and I wanted to be sure and watch with him. He liked it too. Said it was really good.

Here's Hugh Grant discussing MUSIC & LYRICS:

Drew and Hugh interview each other ...

A FEW FUN ONES to remember from the show...
POP Goes My Heart video from MUSIC & LYRICS movie

My fave part of the movie:

Way Back Into Love -demo version

Way Back Into Love (Haley Bennett as Cora Corman)

Another fun one...

2008-06-26T20:52:00.001-07:00

What type of person do you attract? Your Result: You attract artsy people! Those free spirited artists with great imaginations find you interesting. They are usually interesting themselves, so its not a bad thing, but they CAN be a bit wifty and choose odd goals. If you like life to always be a bit 'different' from the norm, but not too extreme in any one direction, these are the people for you. If you seek logical decision making skills and good money management, you may want to change something in the way you appear. Artsy people are fun for adventure and exploring, so, have fun! (smoking weed helps too)
You attract Yuppies!
You attract geeks!
You attract unstable people!
You attract models!
You attract rednecks!
What type of person do you attract? Quizzes for MySpace

Accent or No Accent ??

2008-06-26T20:37:00.002-07:00

Hey M-girl, I couldn't resist, I had to try the quiz too and see my own results. Here they are:

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The West
Boston
North Central
The Inland North
Philadelphia
The South
The Northeast
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

A Better Day...

2008-06-25T00:09:00.004-07:00

Today was a better day. I'm super pooped so I won't type up a long post tonight. I'll catch y'all up tomorrow ok. I'm off to bed. I did talk with T and all is ok right now. I'm feeling much better.

Wendy, thank you so much for your words of wisdom. How I needed them desperately. I thought long and hard about what you wrote. Thank you for being straight-up with me and bold too. I need that. A good swift kick, though gentle sometimes... tee hee. I mentioned what you said to T and he added a few words too. You gave me a perspective I didn't think about. It's funny because I always thought I have loved myself and off and on... I have. I think I forgot about that important person, me. I started thinking of things I could do for myself and you gave me a path, a direction to go in... thank you for that. I needed it.

I'm also still lugging around all my library books which will be due come Monday... this weekend I plan to get in gear and take a thorough look at them all and decide which ones to renew if necessary and finish a couple of the ones I've been reading.

I have to admit too... though I'd rather not... that I have not been taking my meds for the past week or so. T changes his tone when he hears about it and he stresses the importance of it to me. It's not like I don't know about it... I just hate taking them. I needed to be able to wake early/ not be too tired to go in early for work this week and work long hours. With the meds, the side effects include drowsiness and I get groggy. So I deliberately avoided taking them over the past few days and I should know better. T has seen first hand now what happens when I don't take them. As well as anyone else who has read my blog postings. I tend to get a little freaked out and my thoughts race wildly. I must've texted him what seemed like 50 text messages within the last two days. He knows me pretty well and has learned to put up with me rather well too.

M-girl and Spencer... thank you also... believe me I have in the back of my mind playing like a broken record player the idea of what if I move to TN. I think of it a lot. I just don't want to be any further away from CA. I really want to be in CA. How I would love to be around you and family -yet also I don't know that you'd all really like to allow me to continue living the lifestyle I lead. I drink alcohol on rare occasions, I slip up with an occasional swear word or four... I drink tea sometimes coffee. Though I prefer not to be in the habit of coffee anymore. Aggravates my GERD like crazy and I have awful heartburn issues. But I do like an occasional frapaccino (spell?) etc. I don't know if any of this really matters or not... but I don't want you or anyone to feel any sort of obligation that they have to work on converting me back into the church either. Not that you will or won't... I just don't know.

I love you guys soooooo much. I think I'm ok. At least for the time being, not to mention I haven't had any sleep since Sunday night... what is that now -ummmm... well I've been going since 11am Monday morning... non-stop. And now it's 12:21am Wednesday. Time for me to blow sweet g'nite kisses and wish you all happy pleasant dreams until the next time.

More soon,

Much luv,

Christy :)

Another recent post...

2008-06-24T01:35:00.005-07:00

So it's 1:35 am and I just returned home about 30 min ago from work and the grocery store. I'm staying up without sleep so I can turn around and go back to work again in a few short hours. Leave here about 4:40am so I can arrive at work shortly after 5am when the building opens. Working an extra 7 hours on top of the 10 hours... making it a total of 17 hours worked for Tuesday! See, I am crazy. Lol. (wink wink)

I wouldn't do such a thing, except I did miss out on 19 hours with the exception of 5 because my supervisor put 5 hours down of my sick or vacation time so... I need to make up the time for my paycheck. I only make $10/hr as it is, and I can't even survive on that alone. So here I am killing time.

I feel kinda bad. I texted T a lot while I was at work today (Monday, even tho it's technically Tue) ... and I just vomitted a whole bunch of verbal vomit via texting. He knows I've been unhappy and he knows that our relationship has been one-sided. He says that is why he told me that he doesn't think he could be in a relationship ever again. Why he chooses to live alone and probably never marry again. I don't care about the libido issues.... I don't. All I've ever needed/ wanted was to feel love. To hear those 3 darn words "I love you"... is that so bad? I hear him tell his dog and cats that every time I'm over at his home. Why can't he give me the same affection and love? I don't get it. Is that truly too much to ask?

I suppose things will be a little different now. I said a lot of things. I told him how I've been feeling etc. I love that man so much and I've given everything I have had to give. So yah, it has been one-sided for a long time. I just don't think it is fair. I've tried looking at it from every angle possible. I've thought about how all I've ever wanted in my life was to find someone who would love me, truly love me. That if I was in a bad accident or something, lose a leg or two, or smash my face up bad, whatever... be in a wheelchair... that the man in my life wouldn't leave me because of it. That he'd stay in my life and love me forever. Maybe this is unrealistic, I don't know? But anyway, it dawned on me one day -almost like an answer to a prayer that it wasn't that I would find someone who would be like this, but that I had to be that person I had hoped to find. I had to love someone in the way I hoped to have someone love me. That even though T was not the same man anymore, I was to love him anyway as I would want to be loved. And I've done this. Why am I still so unhappy? I guess because even though I have given so much love -even in the way that T would feel love... not the way I would feel love... it's not enough I guess. I just never received any love in return. Not in the way that I feel love. I should be careful how I word this.

Remember a few posts back when I commented that not everyone feels love the same way? For me, I feel love when it is expressed. Either verbally or through hugs and kisses. Any sort of affection. I don't need gifts. I don't need any sort of materials. Though I have wanted flowers etc. What can I say, I like flowers. Even so, I like the cheapy ones, daisies.... hell, they can be hand picked off the side of a road and I'd be happy that someone thought of me to do it. I'm easy damn it. And those 3 simple little words that mean so much. That's all I've ever wanted. So, back to being careful because I can't say that T hasn't shown me any love at all. He has spent a lot of quality time with me. (His way of feeling loved is when someone gives of their time) Because I know this... I know he has shown me love in the way he feels love. Then why... why... can't he show me love the way I need love? I have given him of my time many times over. I have watched the movies he wants to watch. I have eaten dinner at the restaurants of his choice. I have done what he wants to do most of the time. Can't say that he hasn't watched any of the movies I prefer, as recently and a few sparing times he has gone with me to the film of my choice, adding... practically twisting his arms too. LOL.

And T has bought me a couple things. He bought me Quicken program to manage my finances. He just recently bought me a very nice Bible that I've been looking for... a perfect size to carry with me so I may read at any time and with a nice soft binder. Which has meant the world to me. And I'll never forget the times he has helped me with my car even though he was achingly tired. That too meant the world to me. And I told him so. I was truly grateful and always will be.

I don't want to lose T. I love T with all my heart and soul. I always will. I sometimes regret when I speak so openly and share almost too much. I like what I have with T. We're great friends and we have fun times together. I suppose I feel lost nonetheless. As much as I fear losing what we have, I fear what the future holds too. Will I actually make it to the next day? Will I actually drive my car to work and not to the Grand Canyon or some edge to just drive over? It is so tempting and I think of it every second of the day. How easy it would be to do. Remind T and my parents that I did seek help... and through work too... and a lot of good it did me. I wonder if there's a good lawsuit there if I do commit suicide? Someone could at least make a few riches after I leave... hmmmmm ... I wonder. (hint hint) (bad laughing, I know) That money could pay for the damages I have caused financially though. All the money borrowed from parents that I have never been able to pay back. It could pay for the funeral expenses etc. But then again, Wendy, if I donate my bod for medical purposes and research, hmmm maybe there wouldn't be any funeral expenses then, eh? I'll have to seriously look into that some more. Become a bit familiar and set up an appt with my attorney about my will etc. Make it easier so that no family members will have to make any decisions while I'm gone. They'll already be made by me. I seriously need to get on the ball about this. (hmmm note to self)

Anyway, I'm at a standstill unsure of what I'm going to do. I suppose like most things, there just isn't much time anyway. I'm trying to bury myself into work too. People say it helps. I don't know though, we have a lot of downtime at work and even though I'm working, because I can do what I do almost blindfolded... even though I'm busy, I'm not busy enough to keep my mind from rolling in all different directions.

God help me. If there truly is a God. I question even that now these days too. I want to believe. I have tried believing. Maybe I'll make that appointment to go skydiving soon and just not let my parachute open. That's a new thought I've had today. I've always wanted to go skydiving... and that would be so easy too. Splat! Gone. Easy.

My fears of the afterlife, have kept me alive though. I do fear consequences. Why can't I just not exist? Why can't it be possible to erase an existence? So I wouldn't exist even after here. I've been wondering how to make it happen. Anyone have any answers on this one? I have wished many a times that my mother never had me. I've never wanted to exist. But as sure as the rock on the ground, or the cement on the driveway... or this or that... as they exist so do I. Damn it. How does something switch from existence to non-existence? It's not possible is it? Even if a bomb or some sort of explosion, even though my body would disintegrate, my soul still exists. Dang it. I've even thought of selling my soul to the devil... but then I'd still exist. Ugh. Sigh. If the devil truly exists. But what if all we've ever been told -is not? What if there isn't a God? What if the God we believed in is not a God but something else? Just what if? What if the world as we know it -is not? What if the universe etc... is something entirely different than we have been taught? How does anyone even know these things for certain anyway? What if the Bible was written by man and not God? Have you ever wondered?

I mean, how the hell do we know anyway? Does faith really exist? Or is it man-made too? What if we die and there really isn't anything else? What if our bodies really do become nothing but dust and our spirits die too? What if there is nothing after this life? I mean we are told these things by men. How the hell do they know? They're here too. They're not some godly spirit from God telling us these things. And how do we know that any spirits that have visited men really did? How do we know these men didn't just make up some dumbass stories? Please pardon my language but I'm so frustrated.

I cannot and will not ever go back to the LDS religion. It has confused my mind in so many ways. And I have never met so many darn hypocrites anywhere else. Granted I have many good LDS friends, and just like there are in many religions some great people, there are also some serious nutcases too. I guess I've become one. I don't know. I just question a lot of things anymore.

I was in trouble a lot on my mission too because I always had so many questions. And oddly enough, none of them were ever answered. Just brushed aside as though they didn't matter. I need not ask such things. I must have faith. What the hell? No answers? I shouldn't ask questions?

Well, needless to say, I'm reading the Bible that T got for me. I've never read the Bible in its entirety and so I've begun the quest to do so. We'll see how it goes. I want to believe in God, I do. I guess I have just always felt that he was out playing golf with other executives and too busy to hear my prayers. I haven't received answers that I've noticed. Not for a long time. And I've prayed. Believe me, I've prayed. I just always feel I'm nothing but a burden or bother to him/her and anyone else. "That's ok God, go on and continue with your golf game, this isn't really all that important anyway." I'd always think. Far be it for me to interrupt any fun or business. Seems I'm always a bother to most men anyway. Even my Dad was too busy for me all my life. Still is. Always will be. Funny how he was always home... business in the home, but even though he was physically around, he never was mentally or emotionally. I can practically imitate the hand wave to 'go away' as I always saw it. Or that 'on the phone eye squint and hand wave' ..."CHRISTY!, damn it, I'm busy! Go away!" I've lost count how many times I received that in my lifetime.

So you see, I guess my own personal relationship with my own father here on earth, hasn't been all that grand... and it has taken many many years to develop some sort of relationship. He's always busy unless it's relating with food. Invite dad to a lunch date or dinner date... and he'll make the time. Let's go try this new restaurant and he'd love to join in the fun. But oh wait, talk? Visit? Questions? Um, he's busy and he'll have to reschedule.

I suppose because of my relations with my own dad,... I don't have so good a relationship with God either. I thought I did... or at least I tried. But like I said, I guess I felt I was always talking to the air... as I have many times with my own dad because he wasn't really listening anyway. So how am I to believe it would be different with God? And even if God is a woman... it's no different with my own mother too. Even when I start to have a conversation with my mother, she's half listening or 3/4ths listening to my dad on the phone and his conversation with someone else, yep and in a different room. I'll be in mid-sentence and she'll be hollering out at my dad relating to something he's discussing with some other person on the phone... not with her! Hello? Was I not saying something? Gosh, I guess what I have to say is just never important. So why should I even bother to attempt anything?

So yah, even with prayers with God, I wonder if I'm talking to air/space... a brick wall. Seems I always am with any other form of parent here. Why would it be any different if he really is our heavenly father... as I've been told... I suppose I would think he'd be busy listening to the other callers calling him. Surely there are more important issues than mine. I wonder if I'm just selfish for wanting his/her time. Or anyone's time. So I try to be of no bother. Then when I do speak up or say something -I feel bad anyway. I've wasted someone's time. Time. Time is always a big thing. No one has it either. Esp to give. So I wouldn't want to take anyone's precious time away from them.

I guess I am quite cynical... but do you or anyone blame me? As I share more of my life and things I have gone through and continue to go through... why shouldn't I be? And sadly, I'm being completely honest. Talk about feeling naked. Hello everyone! See my nakedness as I open my feelings, my heart completely. Ugh what a sight huh? Sorry. Perhaps I should cover my nakedness and walk away. Hope I didn't waste your time, again.

More later.

I know, it's been a while...

2008-06-22T23:17:00.004-07:00

Hi, again...

I've had a bad few days. I didn't go in to work for 3 days last week. I just didn't feel so good. And the hot weather out here hasn't helped either. Our a/c unit in the house I live in, needs freon too. So even though we keep the temperature at 82 degrees, it feels even hotter and with the temp outside being over 110-113 degrees regularly...I've been miserable. Everyone has out here in AZ.

Anyway, I went in to work on Saturday to make up for lost time, and was planning on going in Sunday too, but needed the extra zzzzzz's for the four ten's we are all working this week M-Th because everyone needs to be out of the building on Friday. So needless to say, I went 48 hours without any sleep Fri/Sat to be able to go in to work at 4am Sat after getting off at 10:30pm Fri. Of course I went over to T's for awhile and left there around 2/2:30am and then got ready to go back to work for another 7 hours... my intention was a 10hr shift to get in all the extra time I could, but I started to nod off and knew it was time to head home since it would be a long drive and all. Ugh.

My friend called me Sunday at 3am as planned and I knew I couldn't go in, I needed the sleep. So I slept.

Would you believe today (Sunday the 22nd) is our one year anniversary for T and me. I don't know why I get so happy about it anymore. T could care less... and truth be told, I get excited because it's only the 2nd one year anniversary I've ever reached in a relationship with a man. So it is a big deal to me. It's a huge milestone for me. And yet I sit here and wonder why I'm even bothering. Three people have now told me in a 24 hour period -that it seems T is not a good fit for me. That he's not good for me. I've always been the only one giving in this relationship and I'll even admit, I'm worn out. All the life/death seriousness of the cancer has taken it's toll on me. I've cried more tears in the last year than I probably have in my life.

I didn't even want to be in this relationship, damn it. I sent off the last ex because he was horrible and totally cheated on me, not with just one other woman but multiple women. Of all women, I (me, yes ME) I should've seen it. I know the damn signs. I've been there done that. And if anyone knows of my past, they'll even know and understand I've been that darn 'other' woman. I know what to look for... I have felt a fool big time.

Then T comes along. I couldn't even muster the strength to let another man in my life, my heart. I couldn't do it. I kept him far away from me for a good 5 weeks before I even agreed to meet up. Even then, we moved slow. Granted, we wanted to see each other. We're good in each other's company... we're good friends. So we hooked up often. But a relationship was the furthest from my heart/mind.

When I finally agreed to be an exclusive partner and in a relationship... I gave it my all once again. I have loved with all my heart folks. I've given more than I thought I was even capable of giving. I have begged God to not take this sweet man away from me. Not after all I had endured.

And now, I feel I mourn the death of the man I knew anyway. He's not the same. He's changed for sure. The chemo treatments left him a different man. A stranger. Even so, I still fought to keep the love alive. And I feel so drained. So lost. So exhausted. My cup is so bare and so dry and has been for awhile. I've sucked every drop out of it to give away to someone else. There hasn't been any to quench my own thirst. And now I sit here and I want to die. How is that fair?

I've been dragging my feet to make it from one day to the next. The heat hasn't helped at all. I never wanted a career damn it. I wanted to be married, have a family and take care of others. A career was the furthest from my dreams or desires. Struggling to make ends meet on a daily basis makes me want to just give up entirely. What's the point? These thoughts I battle on a regular consistent day to day basis. I hate it. I wish I were stronger. Everyone tells me I'm so strong. I can make it. Truth is, I'm not. I'm not strong. I think it's from some sort of weakness that strength builds/grows. I think it's because we're weak, we fight with all we have left to survive. I'm tired of fighting. I'm so weak and so thirsty for love. I haven't had any love in a long time. I know my friends love me. I know my brother and his family loves me. And my cousin Wendy whom I haven't seen in ages -loves me and I do feel all your love, despite the distance. It's just so hard to live on a daily basis without any love in my life here... from morning to night - crying in private. Suffering. Longing. Dying.

I just learned last night something I didn't know. A dear friend of mine, Amber, whom I've lost touch over 16 years now or so... and we've been back in touch. We were talking last night and she told me something that made an internal light bulb flicker on. She told me that my sister and her friends were making fun of a girl at school. Amber knew this girl that was poked fun at. My sister and her friends poked fun at her because she wore a lot of make-up. A lot of fuckin' make-up! Big damn deal! No one, NO ONE, should ever be treated horribly... and for such a small stupid thing, jeesh. Anyway, for a long time my sister has not liked my friend Amber and always talked crap about her. I never knew why. Well, Amber told me that she stood up for this poor girl that was being taunted by my sister and her friends, and she looked at Andrea and told her that maybe she should actually wear more make-up! Well, as small and stupid as this all sounds, and granted it was many years ago, it explained to me why my sister had always said such mean things about my friend Amber and why she didn't like me hanging around her. I never knew and I never understood until now. Amber stood up to Andrea and made her look foolish in front of her friends and this poor girl. Andrea didn't like it. My sister the bully. And even today she still is... though she totally denies it.

My sister even bullied me through our lives. She was always biting me and as soon as I complained about it to my mom/dad, I got in trouble for it. My mom would ask me, "What did you do?" Of course my reply was always, "I didn't do anything, she just bit me!" I'd look over at my sister and she had this evil wicked grin and would almost sing this taunting chime, "Iiiii biiiiiite kisty.... iiiii biiiiite kiiiisty reeeeeeeal haaaarrrrrd...." Damn evil bitch and people wonder why we don't get along even today. Ha! I could go on and on .... of reasons why she and I don't see eye to eye... we don't get along. (I would complain to my mom that she was going to bite me and that she says so... and my mom would hear Andrea's song and just laugh. LAUGH... indeed she laughed! To this day, they laugh at the most stupid things. Personally, things that I don't think are funny.

I just had to get this off my chest. I can't stand the attention she gets from my parents and how they see nothing but a halo over her head and how tricked they have been. She cries at the drop of a hat when she's not getting what she wants etc. She yells when she wants to be heard. Far be it for me to stand in her way. I see her for what she is and it has only caused issues with me and my own parents. In their eyes I'm nothing but a trouble maker when in actuality I've been the peacemaker for years. I've done nothing but try to keep peace among everyone. Even when my sister has upset me so much I was ready to spit fire... I tried to keep my cool. Well, I guess I'm just done and tired of it all. I'm aching and hurting over it all. I've thrown my hands/arms up in the air and walked away. And they have let me. I'm sure they're telling everyone I no longer want anything to do with them. When in fact they've called me 'psycho' and 'crazy' etc. I guess I am crazy because I don't understand these people. These people whom are my family and yet they go to church and create an image of falsity. Please pardon me if I don't want to participate in hypocrisy.

I just can't do it. I can't put on a smile when a frown is all I can form. My eyes bear nothing but pain and sorrow. I've wanted nothing but love in my life - I've given as much as I am capable of giving. And yet, I'm treated otherwise as though I'm some crazy looney fool. Maybe I am. Maybe it's not normal to love people. I don't know. Seems there is a lot of anger and a lot of hurt in the world. I have tried to find the good, the positive, the love. What is this world coming to? People are starting to panic over food prices, gas prices... politics... etc.

I had an interesting talk with T the other day and he told me that there is always constancy in the world. I thought there was always change. But then he reminded me about the bible etc. People wouldn't be reading and living according to the bible if it wasn't constant. Sometimes things never change. I guess we can see that in some ways.

I know that when there is tragedy, for the most part, people come together and help one another. There is love where there is pain. Then why, then, can there not be this behavior in families? Maybe there is and I just haven't experienced it. I'm so tired of being treated as a black sheep, as an outsider, as a loner. I'm completely far from it.

Nothing hurts more than to be shunned from family. Indeed, I walked away. I suppose though, I didn't expect to be uninvited to family gatherings etc. Yes I feel I am dead to my sister. My sister and I do not get along. But that was between her and me. My parents have chosen my sister over the rest of the family. That hurts. I feel stabbed and I have felt stabbed over and over and over again over the years. Somehow I've managed to still be here and still standing though a bit wavering.

I'm dying inside. Maybe I already have... I can't carry this anymore. I want to shed this pain. How do I do it?

I'm considering one day starting a new relationship with a different man. Right now though, I am a mess. Internally, emotionally, mentally... I've sought help only to be fast talked into agreeing that I'm fine. How did that happen? Seems everyone is in such a hurry anymore, there's not even time for that planned counseling session. The therapist has an appointment immediately following... so "Are you ok?" Well what do you think I'm going to say? The gal doesn't even have time for me anyway... I already feel I don't want to burden anyone... duh that's why I sought a professional, but even they don't have the time. So "yah, I'm fine" ... "I promise I'll call the number you gave me if I feel like harming myself." NOT!

People bug the crap outta me. So I read books. I seek my own therapy. I don't know how I'm going to pull myself out of this mess. But I'm trying. I realize if that man I read about in the concentration camps could survive what he went through, then surely my life isn't so bad. I know. And I tell myself this regularly too.

Somehow, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. So I tell myself, "it's ok, lots of people are living alone and they manage, they're happy" or is it a facade too? Is it all created imagery? I constantly battle these thoughts in my head.

I try to take myself back to the feelings I had and was going through before I met T. After I kicked mr ex out of my life. I was reaching a point of solitude and happiness. I don't know how I managed or how I got there... but I did. I didn't need T or any man in my life at that point. T just showed up. Unexpected.

I want that back. I want to be able to feel that way again. I'm so trying. I think I struggle even more this time around because I've lost the support of my parents. And that hurts deeply. I understand they choose one sibling over another because the other sibling has grandchildren. I don't. And I'm a 'crazy' nut because I choose not to be LDS. Oh yes, they'll deny that has anything to do with it, but surely that plays a part too. I don't live the same lifestyle. I don't see eye to eye on issues with them. Indeed, I've become worldly in their eyes. And yet, it's odd to me, because I have always been into spirituality etc. I have always tried to live my life a particular way. I love people despite any faults or weaknesses. We all have them. Duh. And yet I feel my parents and my sister have done nothing but point out my scars. My faults. Never have they ever recognized my accomplishments, my achievements. Only what I did not accomplish.

Funny/odd how it is... that my brother and I were the only ones in the family to actually serve missions for the church and yet we were the ones shunned in the family. How is that? I cannot help but to think of that often. It boggles my mind. My dad didn't serve a mission, nor my mom, nor my sister's husband Ben. Yet the two of us that did, are the ones that do not get along with the rest of the family. Why is that? Is there any correlation here? I wonder.

Madonna - cool new song/video

2008-06-17T13:00:00.001-07:00

Notes on Man's Search for Meaning (book)

2008-06-14T13:53:00.006-07:00

So I just finished reading Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl and what a great book! Out of all the quotes in the book, the one on the cover stands true, "If you read but one book this year, Dr. Frankl's book should be that one." -Los Angeles Times

I also would like to remember this particular quote, so I'm including this one, "We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

Additionally this one, "When a man finds that it is his destiny to suffer, he will have to accept his suffering as his task; his single and unique task. He will have to acknowledge the fact that even in suffering he is unique and alone in the universe. No one can relieve him of his suffering or suffer in his place. His unique opportunity lies in the way in which he bears his burden."

..."This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and gives a meaning to his existence has a bearing on creative work as much as it does on human love. When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the "why" for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any "how."

Points I personally choose to remember:

THE MEANING of LIFE
The meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment.

One should not search for an abstract meaning of life. Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life to carry out a concrete assignment which demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus, everyone's task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it.

As each situation in life represents a challenge to man and presents a problem for him to solve, the question of the meaning of life may actually be reversed. Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible. Thus, logotherapy sees in responsibleness the very essence of human existence.

THE ESSENCE of EXISTENCE - "Live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now!" It seems that there is nothing which would stimulate a man's sense of responsibleness more than this maxim, which invites him to imagine first that the present is past and, second, that the past may yet be changed and amended. Such a precept confronts him with life's finiteness as well as the finality of what he makes out of both his life and himself.

It is up to the patient to decide whether he should interpret his life task as being responsible to society or to his own conscience.

The meaning of life always changes, but that it never ceases to be. We can discover the meaning of life in three different ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering.

THE MEANING of LOVE - Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.

THE MEANING of SUFFERING - We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement.

THE SUPER MEANING
Something to think about: A psychiatrist who goes beyond the concept of the super-meaning will sooner or later be embarrassed by his patients, just as I was when my daughter at about six years of age asked me the question, "Why do we speak of the good Lord?" Whereupon I said, "Some weeks ago, you were suffering from measles, and then the good Lord sent you full recovery." However, the little girl was not content; she retorted, "Well, but please, Daddy, do not forget: in the first place, he had sent me the measles."

Spencer TAGGED me...

2008-06-12T12:40:00.007-07:00

It has taken me awhile to get to this... here it is...

3 JOYS

-Any sort of physical activity. I love running, rollerblading, biking, hiking, repelling, kayaking, working out, being outdoors/camping etc.

-Spending quality time with friends and family

-Having a fun discussion with someone new

3 FEARS
-body of water, particularly ocean

-heights

-snakes, scorpions and I can't stand spiders (I have a scar on my face from when I was in 5th grade. I woke up one morning and this huge bump on my left cheek developed into a scab etc. Now a scar- from a spider biting me in the night - EW I know, so I immediately kill spiders when I see them, I can't help it, they creep me out)

3 GOALS
-to lose at least 40 more pounds (lost 9 already)

-to finish the Disneyland Half Marathon (8/31/08) in at least 3 hours (participants have to finish before 3 1/2 hours or you're out of the race)

-to read all of my 11 library books by June 30, when they're due. I'm sure I'll renew at least 1-3, but I hope I won't need to, LOL ;)

3 CURRENT OBSESSIONS/ADDICTIONS
-protein shake each day before work, or after run

-fruits/veggies for snacks at work now

-training for half marathon

3 SURPRISING FACTS

-ok this may be gross to some, but I can go about 4-5 days without washing my hair. (I'll still shower, with my hair pulled up) I've found that powder eliminates any oil issues. If you put some baby powder in your hands, rub together, then run fingers through oily areas of hair, it eliminates the oil and vwala... hair no look dirty!! tee hee I can make my hair go longer without having to be washed and I can get ready quicker! Plus it's better for your hair to not wash so often. Better for the scalp too. The shampoos/conditioners actually dry out the scalp. When I learned about this, I started washing my hair less, and because I color my hair, the powder also eliminates the look of roots sometimes, esp on dirty hair, and the color lasts longer, doesn't fade as quick. Also dirty hair is so much easier to style. Lol.

-I don't know if this is very surprising or not, but I don't get embarrassed. Not by the typical things anyway. Things that would usually embarrass someone don't embarrass me. Now if it has anything to do with my personal character or who I am, then yes. But if someone wanted to show up and do something terribly stupid in front of other people or try to make me look foolish, by spotlighting me or something, I could really care-less. I would just look at the other person as if they're the stupid one. LOL. Typical, farting -belching - dumb behavioral body issues, everyone does it, doesn't embarrass me. And believe me, I've done those everywhere you can imagine already anyway. Been there done that. Fallen on my ass, face, peed my pants in public, big huge blood spot on white pants on back of me at work, whatever... done that too. If it's usually embarrassing, I've already done it or had it done to me. Besides, I could care less what other people think anyway -tee hee.

-I have a very very very weak stomach and yet super curious all the time. So I'll watch those gross surgery documentaries on tv, and it's all disgusting as hell, and I want to watch it, while I'm gagging and often running to the bathroom... but hurry and come back cuz I wanna see what's going on. I'm weird like that ;)

3 FELLOW BLOGGERS TO TAG

Hmmm, who all reads my blog, the ones who already blogged me Spencer/Merrianne -but hey it was Spencer who tagged me, so M-girl you're next, even though you just did one from someone else tagging you. Wendy, cuz, I know you'll read this. And um, I don't know who else reads this LOL. That may be all. I'll leave the third one to whoever else reads this and wants to post this tag! Have at it! : )

Last night

2008-06-12T12:19:00.004-07:00

Ok so last night after work I drove over to my man T's to watch a movie with him. Turns out he has shingles, he's been having pain in his left arm for the last few days and we learned it's shingles. A case of chicken pox, if you will, since he had the bone marrow transplant one of the dr's in the hospital did mention that there would be a chance he would get it. Because of the starting over factor, new immune system etc... he gets the shingles. Good thing, I've already had chicken pox TWICE in my life! Hee hee. No worries of me catching it.

So I'm pulling up on his street, I'm listening to DELILAH on the radio and she has a woman caller on the phone/radio. This caller is talking about her 6 or 7 yr marriage and it's falling apart. Her parents don't like her husband, and her husband's parents don't like her etc etc. It's caused a lot of problems. So the caller wants to let her husband know how much she loves him and wants to have a song played for him. Delilah, on the other hand, says "NO, honey I'm playing one for you!" She proceeds to tell her that her husband needs to grow a backbone. She basically tells her of an analogy of let's say someone breaks in to her home. And the robbers want jewelry, she continues, and says, ok so the husband takes them right to the jewelry box etc. Instead of fighting for his home, his wife, family etc. Granted this could be looked at from more than one other view. However, Delilah had a point... she wanted to stress to this caller that she needs to find herself a man that won't let the opinions of mom and dad or anyone else come in between the love they have for each other. That a true man doesn't need the approval of mom and dad etc.

So this started a whirlwind of thoughts in my mind. I can relate only vice versa... it's my family, my parents that have the problems with me and whomever I'm dating etc. So I started to think perhaps I am the one who needs to grow the backbone at this time in my life. There have been times when I thought I already have one... but apparently I need to work on this myself.

Then Delilah played this song below on the radio for the caller...

Remember this?

In addition to A Better Attitude...

2008-06-11T08:44:00.005-07:00

I feel this is important to note as well.

Preface to the 1992 Edition: (Man's Search for Meaning) -Viktor E. Frankl

This book has now lived to see nearly one hundred printings in English--in addition, to having been published in twenty-one other languages. And the English editions alone have sold more than three million copies.

These are the dry facts, and they may well be the reason why reporters of American newspapers and particularly of American TV stations more often than not start their interviews, after listing these facts, by exclaiming: "Dr. Frankl, your book has become a true bestseller--how do you feel about such success?" Whereupon I react by reporting that in the first place I do not at all see in the bestseller status of my book an achievement and accomplishment on my part but rather an expression of the misery of our time: if hundreds of thousands of people reach out for a book whose very title promises to deal with the question of a meaning to life, it must be a question that burns under their fingernails.

To be sure, something else may have contributed to the impact of the book: its second, theoretical part ("Logotherapy in a Nutshell") boils down, as it were, to the lesson one may distill from the first part, the autobiographical account ("Experiences in a Concentration Camp"), whereas Part One serves as the existential validation of my theories. Thus, both parts mutually support their credibility.

I had none of this in mind when I wrote the book in 1945- And I did so within nine successive days and with the firm determination that the book should be published anonymously. In fact, the first printing on the original German version does not show my name on the cover, though at the last moment, just before the book's initial publication, I did finally give in to my friends who had urged me to let it be published with my name at least on the title page. At first, however, it had been written with the absolute conviction that, as an anonymous opus, it could never earn its author literary fame. I had wanted simply to convey to the reader by way of a concrete example that life holds a potential meaning under any conditions, even the most miserable ones. And I thought that if the point were demonstrated in a situation as extreme as that in a concentration camp, my book might gain a hearing. I therefore felt responsible for writing down what I had gone through, for I thought it might be helpful to people who are prone to despair.

And so it is both strange and remarkable to me that--among some dozens of books I have authored--precisely this one, which I had intended to be published anonymously so that it could never build up any reputation on the part of the author, did become a success. Again and again I therefore admonish my students both in Europe and in America: "Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run--in the long run, I say! --success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it."

The reader may ask me why I did not try to escape what was in store for me after Hitler had occupied Austria. Let me answer by recalling the following story. Shortly before the United States entered World War II, I received an invitation to come to the American Consulate in Vienna to pick up my immigration visa. My old parents were overjoyed because they expected that I would soon be allowed to leave Austria. I suddenly hesitated, however. The question beset me: could I really afford to leave my parents alone to face their fate, to be sent, sooner or later, to a concentration camp, or even to a so-called extermination camp? Where did my responsibility lie? Should I foster my brain child, logotherapy, by emigrating to fertile soil where I could write my books? Or should I concentrate on my duties as a real child, the child of my parents who had to do whatever he could to protect them? I pondered the problem this way and that but could not arrive at a solution; this was the type of dilemma that made one wish for "a hint from Heaven," as the phrase goes.

It was then that I noticed a piece of marble lying on a table at home. When I asked my father about it, he explained that he had found it on the site where the National Socialists had burned down the largest Viennese synagogue. He had taken the piece home because it was a part of the tablets on which the Ten Commandments were inscribed. One gilded Hebrew letter was engraved on the piece; my father explained that this letter stood for one of the Commandments. Eagerly I asked, "Which one is it?" He answered, "Honor they father and thy mother that they days may be long upon the land." At that moment I decided to stay with my father and my mother upon the land, and to let the American visa lapse.

Viktor E. Frankl

Vienna, 1992

A better attitude...

2008-06-11T07:40:00.005-07:00

Ok, so since the last post... it was mainly me letting out frustrations I hold inside, so I can let them go. And now moving onward to better things...

I feel it is imperative for me to share this and to note down for my own future reference.

I'm including in this post, the PREFACE to the book Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. Oh my gosh, Wendy, I'm loving this already. This is so worth noting.

Here's the Preface ~

Dr. Frankl, author-psychiatrist, sometimes asks his patients who suffer from a multitude of torments great and small, "Why do you not commit suicide?" From their answers he can often find the guide-line for his psycho-therapy: in one life there is love for one's children to tie to; in another life, a talent to be used; in a third, perhaps only lingering memories worth preserving. To weave these slender threads of a broken life into a firm pattern of meaning and responsibility is the object and challenge of logotherapy, which is Dr. Frankl's own version of modern existential analysis.

In his book, Dr. Frankl explains the experience which led to his discovery of logotherapy. As a longtime prisoner in bestial concentration camps he found himself stripped to naked existence. His father, mother, brother, and his wife died in camps or were sent to the gas ovens, so that, excepting for his sister, his entire family perished in these camps. How could he--every possession lost, every value destroyed, sufering from hunger, cold and brutality, hourly expecting extermination--how could he find life worth preserving? A psychiatrist who personally has faced such extremity is a psychiatrist worth listening to. He, if anyone, should be able to view our human condition wisely and with compassion. Dr. Frankl's words have a profoundly honest ring, for they rest on experiences too deep for deception. What he has to say gains in prestige because of his present position on the Medical Faculty of the University of Vienna and because of the renown of the logotherapy clinics that today are springing up in many lands, patterned on his own famous Neurological Policlinic in Vienna.

One cannot help but compare Viktor Frankl's approach to theory and therapy with the work of his predecessor, Sigmund Freud. Both physicians concern themselves primarily with the nature and cure of neuroses. Freud finds the root of these distressing disorders in the anxiety caused by conflicting and unconscious motives. Frankl distinguishes several forms of neurosis, and traces some of them (the noogenic neuroses) to the failure of the sufferer to find meaning and a sense of responsibility in his existence. Freud stresses frustration in the sexual life; Frankl, frustration in the "will-to-meaning." In Europe today there is a marked turning away from Freud and a widespread embracing of existential analysis, which takes several related forms--the school of logotherapy being one. It is characteristic of Frankl's tolerant outlook that he does not repudiate Freud, but builds gladly on his contributions; nor does he quarrel with other forms of existential therapy, but welcomes kinship with them.

The present narrative, brief though it is, is artfully constructed and gripping. On two occasions I have read it through at a single sitting, unable to break away from its spell. Somewhere beyond the midpoint of the story Dr. Frankl introduces his own philosophy of logotherapy. He introduces it so gently into the continuing narrative that only after finishing the book does the reader realize that here is an essay of profound depth, and not just one more brutal tale of concentration camps.

From this autobiographical fragment the reader learns much. He learns what a human being does when he suddenly realizes he has "nothing to lose except his so ridiculously naked life." Frankl's description of the mixed flow of emotion and apathy is arresting. First to the rescue comes a cold detached curiosity concerning one's fate. Swiftly, too, come strategies to preserve the remnants of one's life, though the chances of surviving are slight. Hunger, humiliation, fear and deep anger at injustice are rendered tolerable by closely guarded images of beloved persons, by religion, by a grim sense of humor, and even by glimpses of the healing beauties of nature--a tree or sunset.

But these moments of comfort do not establish the will to live unless they help the prisoner make larger sense out of his apparently senseless suffering. It is here that we encounter the central theme of existentialism: to live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering. If there is a purpose in life at all, there must be a purpose in suffering and in dying. But no man can tell another what this purpose is. Each must find out for himself, and must accept the responsibility that his answer prescribes. If he succeeds he will continue to grow in spite of all indignities. Frankl is fond of quoting Nietzsche, "He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how."

In the concentration camp every circumstance conspires to make the prisoner lose his hold. All the familiar goals in life are snatched away. What alone remains is "the last of human freedoms"--the ability to "choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." This ultimate freedom, recognized by the ancient Stoics as well as by modern existentialists, takes on vivid significance in Frankl's story. The prisoners were only average men, but some, at least, by choosing to be "worthy of their suffering" proved man's capacity to rise above his outward fate.

As a psychotherapist, the author, of course, wants to know how men can be helped to achieve this distinctively human capacity. How can one awaken in a patient the feeling that he is responsible to life for something, however grim his circumstances may be? Frankl gives us a moving account of one collective therapeutic session he held with his fellow prisoners.

At the publisher's request Dr. Frankl has added a statement of the basic tenets of logotherapy as well as a bibliography. Up to now most of the publications of this "Third Viennese School of Psychotherapy" (the predecessors being the Freudian and Adlerian Schools) have been chiefly in German. The reader will therefore welcome Dr. Frankl's supplement to his personal narrative.

Unlike many European existentialists, Frankl is neither pessimistic nor antireligious. On the contrary, for a writer who faces fully the ubiquity of suffering and the forces of evil, he takes a surprisingly hopeful view of man's capacity to transcend his predicament and discover an adequate guiding truth.

I recommend this little book heartily, for it is a gem of dramatic narrative, focused upon the deepest of human problems. It has literary and philosophical merit and provides a compelling introduction to the most significant psychological movement of our day.

Gordon W. Allport

Gordon W. Allport, formerly a professor of psychology at Harvard University, was one of the foremost writers and teachers in the field in this hemisphere. He was author of a large number of original works on psychology and was the editor of the Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology. It is chiefly through the pioneering work of Professor Allport that Dr. Frankl's momentous theory was introduced to this country; moreover, it is to his credit that the interest shown here in logotherapy is growing by leaps and bounds.

Is this mean or what?

2008-06-10T23:29:00.008-07:00

Ok so how does one mend a broken heart? Hmmmm? I'm going to look this up online.

I've been feeling kinda down about this.

First of all, who grounds their children for a year? Is this common? My sister grounded her daughters from ANY sleepovers for a year for getting marker on carpet. I say, hello it's carpet and kids are gonna make messes. And how the hell did they get the markers anyway? It's gonna happen -right? Granted this happened while the girls had a friend over for a slumber night. So this is fair to ground them from family too? I personally don't think so. (Ok, this is just me venting here)

And indeed I've asked to see my nieces and nephews often!! Thing is, every single time I've asked to take them somewhere or spend time with them, they're either grounded, have something else going on, or chores. And usually the answer is always the same, grounded or chores or both. Jeesh! I'm the AUNTIE and I work full time for crying out loud. The only time I have available in between other weekends that are busy and full... are an occasional saturday or sunday. And because Sundays are out due to church and family stuff... saturday is the only day I have to ask. And that's only an occasional Saturday. I have a life too people. So, why do I get a tad upset or my feelings hurt whenever I do ask to see them and they're never available? Because this is every occasion I do ask. So what does a person do? I personally stop asking.

So I'm accused of NEEEEVER asking to see them! What the hell is that about? Mouth dropping effect of drama! Jeesh! I can't stand drama. My sister apparently is all about it! Talk about yelling and the whole surprised distorted mouth dropping AHWWW WHAT? Complete denial. And of all things, my parents believe her. I swear they really do see nothing but a halo on her head. The girl can do no wrong. (head shaking in disgust)

I'm not saying I'm an angel or anything because I'm so far from it. But neither is she.

I discovered a friend of mine who had been talking with my sister over the phone and my friend told me that my sister has been talking crap about me and my boyfriend. Naturally I believe it, only because I've heard my sister say things before... and I'm pissed because she's been talking about me and T behind our backs. And honestly, what the hell? She has only seen my boyfriend twice in the last year we've been together. And both times he has either been on chemo or really sick and tired. Due to meds etc. So her comments about him being too mellow are seriously out of line. He was struggling to stay awake the time she did see him. And he continued on to go to her house after a family dinner for my sake since it was my birthday even though he wasn't feeling up for it. (Just because he doesn't sound like a tornado hit the home when arriving as her family does, including her and her husband) So yah, I was disgusted by it. I mean really, the guy was going through cancer treatments, have some respect. She doesn't even know him and already has all these pre-judgements. I sooooo can't stand that when people are so judgemental. Why? What makes them so wonderful in comparison?

And lastly, it was my nephew's birthday June 2nd. I learned that there was a birthday party for him -with family and friends. I was not invited. That hurts. Granted I do not get along with the parents, but I would have liked to have had the choice to attend or not. I am his Auntie and jeesh why does the conflict have to involve the separation of children and family/relatives. It was also admitted that my sister's husband doesn't want me anywhere near the kids. My goodness. And he has left nasty messages on my cell phone calling me 'crazy' and 'psycho'.

I realize I have different viewpoints on things and I've left the church. Just because I live a different lifestyle and choose to find God going a different path, doesn't make me a psycho or crazy person. But oh well.

I'm just sad, lonely and aching from no love in my family. It really hurts. They are walking distance and we have so much anger and hostility. Totally sux.

I am grateful though for my family -my bro and his wife in Tennessee. At least they understand what I go through and where I'm coming from with all the family drama crap. Thank you M-girl for helping me to keep my head on straight at times. It totally means the world to me. {Mwah mwah}

And also for my dear cousin Wendy on the East Coast. You're awesome too! Thank you for caring so much and for being a part of my life. {{Hugz}}

I just needed to vent. Once again. Like I mentioned before, this will be my therapy for awhile.

I needed to get this out somewhere.

Reading Materials

2008-06-09T22:22:00.004-07:00

So I hit the library this evening and loaded up on books for my mental health.

Here's what I came home with for study:

1) Beyond the Bleep - by Alexandra Bruce (the definitive unauthorized guide to What the Bleep Do We Know?!) (didn't have the dvd Wendy-girl, I sure looked & other books were not available, so I went ahead and grabbed this one anyway)

2) one heart -universal wisdom by the world's scriptures (essays by Andrew Harvey, preface by Sylvia Boorstein, edited by Bonnie Louise Kuchler)

3) How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me -Susan Rose Blauner

4) Man's Search For Meaning -Viktor E. Frankl

5) Man's Search For Ultimate Meaning -Viktor E. Frankl

6) Destructive EMOTIONS -How Can We Overcome Them? -Dalai Lama/Daniel Goleman

7) Train Your Mind Change Your Brain -How A New Science Reveals Our Extraordinary Potential To Transform Ourselves -Sharon Begley (forward by Dalai Lama/ preface by Daniel Goleman)

8) Healing Emotions -Conversations with the Dalai Lama on Mindfulness, Emotions, and Health

9) Going To Pieces Without Falling Apart -A Buddhist Perspective on Wholeness -Mark Epstein, M.D.

10) Meditation Now or Never -Steve Hagen

and one fun one...
11) STORM FRONT by Jim Butcher (tee hee) (a SciFi series I've been anxious to start, yay I have the first one in the series now!)

I also chatted for over an hour on the phone with a licensed counselor and will be getting a call tomorrow to set up the next 3 telefonic sessions since my health insurance doesn't include mental health whereas Arizona doesn't have it mandated through insurance to have access. So, I've also been given a couple numbers to call, one of them being United Way and see if I can have more counseling sessions that way. We'll see. Anyway, I'm trying folks. I'm seriously trying to work through my personal issues and maintain some sort of sanity. God help me -lol.

Off to go eat a late night dinner and start some of these books. Whew what a day!

Insanity vs Sanity

2008-06-09T13:48:00.005-07:00

I'm skipping work today so I can call these counselors etc. But I stare at the list and wonder...

So am I insane because I think I may be able to counsel myself? Lol.

Here's how it would go:

Counselor: So why are you here?
Me: Because I need help not to commit suicide.

Counselor: Why do you want to commit suicide?
Me: For lots of reasons. How much time do we have again?

Counselor: Plenty. Tell me.
Me: Well, hmmm where to start? I'll break down into categories.
1) Life sux.
2) Relationships suck.
3) People suck.
4) Religion sux.
5) Responsibilities suck.
6) Expectations suck.
7) Finances suck.
8) Health issues.
9) Living according to others' schedules and not my own.
10) Feeling like a constant failure.
11) Feeling stuck.
12) Feeling stupid.
13) Knowing I have more potential and not reaching it.
14) Misery.

Counselor: That is a long list.
Me: Yah and that's not the half of it, each item is a category of its own. I can go on about each category in detail.

Counselor: Seems you put high expectations on yourself.
Me: I do. Doesn't everyone?

Counselor: Why do you feel this way?
Me: It surrounds me. How can I not?

Counselor: What do you mean?
Me: In America, we Americans, have standards to live by, responsibilities etc. We're on a time clock. We have to be here and be there - do this and do that. Very demanding. I feel I measure short all the time, if even that. I can't meet everyone's expectations and therefore feel constantly I'm letting one person or another down all the time. It's super frustrating.

Counselor: And you feel this way because?
Me: I am always hearing about it. I let my family down. (my parents etc) I let my boyfriend down. My friends down. I'm always late. I never do what I say I'm going to do. I'm on a different time clock than everyone else. Hell, at times I wish time didn't even exist. And I believe it really doesn't. I believe man made time and so what would it be like if there was no such thing as time? Would it be chaos? Or would we still have some sort of order? Why does everything have to have order? Organization? I realize it is necessary to get things accomplished. But seems it has become out of hand to me. People lose jobs because of being 1-3 minutes late regularly. That's stupid to me. That's just dumb. I don't get it. I'm one of those people and I know others. It doesn't mean I don't care about my job etc. I'm just always busy etc. I run into this and that all the time. My time always runs over and I'm not good at ending one thing on time to begin another. I finish on my own time and then get there when I'm done. Is that selfish of me?

etc etc etc....

Am I an optimist gone mad? I don't know, maybe.

Too Funny - Twinkies after 13 years on shelf

2008-06-08T13:42:00.004-07:00

So, TWINKIES don't last forever! This is a great video :) Thank you M-girl, for letting me know the video wasn't working. Now it should be :)

Mixed emotions

2008-06-07T11:13:00.005-07:00

So I broke down and cried at work. I really shouldn't have gone in yesterday anyway. I was practically in tears on the road. I got to work, sat at my desk, stared at the computer monitor and put my head in my hands. I just didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere. Then I was in the office of my supervisor and she's explaining some project for me to work on ... as I've been working like lightning at work lately and finishing off the files etc so there haven't been any files to work -ha lol. There are now a total of 6 of us in my dept and the other 5 work during the morning/day shift and I'm the only evening shift. So I have been working all the files (rather quickly tee hee) ... it's only expected to do 5/hour and I've done as many as 15/hr. Just to prove a point. I don't want to be in this dept. Another dept wants me to join their dept actually and I prefer it but was turned down. My supervisor won't let me go. So I decided to do all the work - that was commented in an email that I am not able to go because of all the assigned work in my dept. So I was rapidly getting all the work done so there was no work to do just to be a smart ass.

So when my supervisor was showing me this so-called new project, she commented that it would keep me busy because there are like 3400 to work. I was in a completely different mental place anyway, and wasn't even hearing the words she spoke, while she explained how to do it. I finally told her that I can't be at work today (yesterday). She looked at me and I told her that I need counseling. I was lucky I made it into work at all this week. I was truly struggling.

Mary, my previous supervisor was in the room too and she said she's worried. So the tears started to flow. I couldn't control them. I just wanted to run. I didn't want to say too much. Didn't want to appear a fool.

So my supervisor printed out a list of counselling people... oh and fortunately for me it's quite costly but worth it. (enter sarcasm) I just can't afford it. Yah on my whole measely $10/hr job pay. So I left. Stopped at gas station, drove home. Texted T, my friend Meg caught me before I left as she saw me in the office and with a kleenex box and when I left with the paper folded in hand - you can only guess what she imagined was going on. Yep she thought I was holding onto a severence paper. Poor gal, I worried her... she called me and we talked. Then T called and we talked.

Meg totally understands my condition. It was so nice to have someone actually share a part of it and for me to hear the words "I understand'... wow someone actually understands. (not being sarcastic, truthfully) She has been diagnosed with depression and since she was 6 yrs old she had been suicidal too. I tell ya, I've met only one other person in my life who has the same condition as I do. WOW I sooooooooo needed to know I'm not alone.

Granted I know that others have felt suicidal at times... it's an entirely different thing though when a person feels it 24/7 in each day of a lifetime. I've battled it for as long as I can remember. I take medication because of it. So ok yah, I missed taking my meds a few days and sure got the look and lecture from my man T. He reminds me that he has to take his thyroid pill everyday for the rest of his life and he has no choice. I know, I know... I do. I was just being lazy the last few days and would hit the pillows at night and too lazy to reach for the pill and water. Yah yah... it always has a big time effect on me if I don't take the darn meds... sometimes I just hate the fact I have to take a drug everyday. It makes me sleepy and lethargic. If I don't take my vitamins to counter affect the side effects of the drug... well yah there ya have it, I go through all the side effects of the meds and feel tired all the time. It's my own fault, I know. Grrrr.

However, a few other things have come into the picture as well and haven't been of any help. T and I had a long talk the other night. He tells me that he may never want to marry again. He may never want to live with anyone again. He prefers being alone.

So I start thinking/ pondering. Ok so what is it that I want? I don't necessarily have to be married. And I told him this. I've even told him I'm ok with not having kids, since he thinks he's too old for them. I've managed to accomodate my life to how he prefers his... is this fair? Even I wonder. I have told him "I'm not your ex wife"... but that doesn't matter... he still doesn't want to live with anyone. Apparently he says it never works out. He's too selfish. He likes things his way. Blah blah blah. I know he's selfish. I've told him, and that I still love him anyway. Am I a sucker? I don't know. I've always tried to be the accomodating one in any relationship. I'm thinking maybe this is the end of the line.

I'm starting to wonder what it is that I really want out of my life. I've personally always wanted a child. I would love to get myself to a better place financially and be able to adopt a child. I don't really care that much if I marry or not. That has never been a top priority for me. I've wanted it before I think because it was drilled into me as a child that it's what you are supposed to do, esp when LDS. Or it's a societal thing. I don't know. I've reached a point where all the other relationships I've been in... have been hellish and I'd rather keep to myself too. On the contrary, when I met T, I was in this mode, and didn't care to be with anyone... and if he was cool with just being friends we could hang out etc. And we did. It immediately became more because he pursued me and instigated wanting to know/discuss what we were -in a relationship, being exclusive etc. So after that typical discussion in most relationships we became an item.

And I'll tell ya, our one year anniversary is coming up June 22nd. We looked it up. We met online in May of last year and didn't actually meet in person for another 5 weeks which brought us at June 22nd. He was going through chemo and all the cancer stuff. I met him when he was bald. Talk about emotions everywhere.

Made it through all the craziness of life/death issues. Even broke up once for two weeks and got back together. Now we're facing our one year mark. And I'm realizing maybe we really do want different things. I thought I could accommodate myself and make it work. And if he were really willing to do the typical relationship - live together, possible marriage routine. We'd probably have a good chance. We're good friends and love each other's company... we get along really good actually. However, I do irritate him as most everyone does... and he just prefers to be alone. He is a loner type personality anyway.

So I'm pondering. Do I stay with someone who doesn't care if I live in a different state or not? Do I stay with someone who can't even say the words "I love you" to me? Do I stay with someone who lacks in physical intimacy? Do I stay with someone where I may never have a child, even one? Do I stay with someone who always views everything including me with a critical eye? Should I stay with someone who loves his dog more than me? I swear I think if his dog died he would actually cry, and feel something, but if I die, he'd just go to work the next day as if nothing had happened. Indeed he told me this... otherwise how would I know. Sad huh? He said he'd miss me of course... but it wouldn't have any affect on him. Because of his views of death etc.. he's not afraid of dying -etc etc etc.

I think I do want more romance in my life. And I'll admit, at first we did have all that... in fact it was the best I had ever experienced. I truly felt loved. Had I not experienced that I probably wouldn't have invested my time and love. I do love T very very much. I think highly of him and adore him. He has many wonderful qualities that make him so easy to love. He has treated me very good.

I look at things differently now though. I've sacrificed so much in this relationship. And I would do it again, please don't get me wrong. I'm just wondering if this is the actual direction I want to be heading. When I've been told all these things and given the chance to somewhat foretell what the future could be... that is going in this direction in this relationship anyway... would I, should I stay? When there could be so much more out there for me.

I'm thinking I will still move forward in my plans to go to Cali for make-up school etc. I think that would be good for me. Granted I never really wanted a career of any sort... so this is kinda hard for me. I always wanted to be a mother and wife. But that doesn't seem to be in the works for me. And I do want to prove I can be a success in something. At least with make-up I know I'd be good at it. And I'd be in the environment of film and entertainment. Gosh who wouldn't like that? tee hee. I know some wouldn't, but I sure would love it.

I think I could eventually make a better salary and be financially secure with this field. It would allow me to adopt a child and not be married. I think I would like that. I feel so alone all the time. I at least want to experience being a mother and having a child to teach things to and to love. I have soooooooooo much love to give and always seems nowhere to give it. I think a part of me dies when I can't be the person I want to be and actually have someone to love etc. It's quite sad. I know.

I wonder if I seem overwhelming at times because of it. I truly try not to be. I do put the effort forward.

So my mind is working and thoughts are processing. I'll keep you posted.

Oh and yah I'm seriously going to look for work elsewhere. lol. I can't live on the paycheck I have... since the demotion and all. The cut in pay has really put me in a big bind. I'm discovering I may be able to do the same work I do at a school and make more money. So I'm going to look into it. T emailed me a position available at a community college near me. Woohoo! So we'll see. It would at least allow me to take a class or two and I could do that while waiting for next year to attempt the second try at getting a loan for the preferred school I want to attend.

Ok, I've got to get some running in or something before I meet my friend for late lunch. Gotta keep training for that Disneyland half marathon. The actual training begins this week. The other running I've been doing was just prepatory to my actual training schedule. So training actually begins this week! We're gonna do it folks! The race is still on of course. We're running in this half marathon end of Aug/beg Sept for sure!

I think more than anything... if T and I do not stay in a relationship... we will always be friends. So things are good. I'm just working through my thoughts and trying to make a few decisions.

It sucks that I don't have really any love in my life. My immediate family just walking distance away... we're not even talking. It just kills me. I'm trying to manage. And now the one person I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with and whom I love dearly is now telling me it may never happen. His career is his number one priority etc. And may always be that way. I personally don't think I'd be happy in the long run. Even though I think I could manage with such a relationship I don't think I'd be happy though.

So this realization has my mind going in many directions at one time. I also think it stemmed the emotional break down at work yesterday. I just cried and cried. Not like a sobster or anything, but the tears just didn't stop. Gosh I feel like such a nut case. Oh well.

Mentally I'm working things out in my head... I'll eventually figure it all out. And hopefully maintain some sanity too.

Like I did mention in previous posts... I will be letting out my emotions in the next few blogs... maybe for a while to get through these emotions and feelings in a good manner without being admitted into an asylum of some sort.

After my lunch date with my dear friend... I'm going to hit the library and pick up those books suggested from Wendy. Thank you darlin'. :)

More later... hope y'all are having a good Saturday! Yay at least it's the weekend and I can have some mental time to myself. Lol.

Just for kicks, giggles & keepin' it real

2008-06-05T12:54:00.024-07:00

Ok so here I am on a good day :) I'm practicing taking photos of myself. I obviously need the practice -lol. See my new haircolor! I luv it! I know I look retarded in the photos, tee hee, patience and I will improve with the photo-taking skills -lol. This was about a week ago, I think.

And on a bad day!

WARNING: vulgar video lol. I was pissed at these guys at work just outside my cubicle making all sorts of noise on a regular and consistent basis throughout each work day. I finally ratted on them at work. The video was cut super short because my friend Meg came around the corner and caught me! Tee hee. We had a good laugh about it ;)

10 Steps to Change the World (thank you Wendy)

2008-06-05T10:45:00.004-07:00

Wendy, thank you for sending this my way. I'm posting it so I may pull out of my posts anytime I want to read it. This is great... and I have a lot to work on : )

Mahatma Gandhi needs no introduction. Everyone knows about the man and his legacy.

Here is some advice he gave worth noting:

1. Change yourself

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.”

If you change yourself you will change your world. If you change how you think, then you will change how you feel and what actions you take. And so the world around you will change.

2. You are in control

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”

What you feel and how you react to something is always up to you. You can choose your own thoughts, reactions and emotions.

3. Forgive and let it go

“An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”

Fighting evil with evil won’t help anyone. Forgiving and letting go of the past will do you and the people in your world a great service.

4. Without action you aren’t going anywhere

“An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching.”

Without taking action very little will be done. However, taking action can be hard. And so you may resort to preaching, or reading and studying endlessly. But you have to take action and translate that knowledge into results and understanding.

5. Take care of this moment

“I do not want to foresee the future. I am concerned with taking care of the present. God has given me no control over the moment following.”

Stay in the present as much as possible, and be accepting. When you are in the present moment you don’t worry about the next moment. And the resistance to action comes from imagining negative future consequences or reflecting on past failures.

6. Everyone is human

“It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.”

When you start to make myths out of people, you run the risk of becoming disconnected from them. Keep in mind that everyone is just a human being no matter who they are.

7. Persist

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

Be persistent. In time the opposition around you will fade and fall away.

8. See the good in people and help them

“I look only to the good qualities of men. Not being faultless myself, I won’t presume to probe into the faults of others.”

If you want improvement then focusing on the good in people is a useful choice. It also makes life easier for you as your world and relationships become more pleasant and positive.

9. Be congruent, be authentic, be your true self

“Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.”

When words and thoughts are aligned then that shows through in your communication. People tend to really listen to what you’re saying. You are communicating without incongruence, mixed messages or phoniness.

10. Continue to grow and evolve

”Constant development is the law of life, and a man who always tries to maintain his dogmas in order to appear consistent drives himself into a false position.”

You can pretty much always improve your skills and habits, or re-evaluate your evaluations. You can gain deeper understanding of yourself and the world.

Perceptual Differences

2008-06-05T02:26:00.003-07:00

It's late, about 2:30am and I just got home a little while ago from T's. We watched a movie together that had an abundance of wealth poured out for me. It was just what the doc ordered and I feel rejuvenated and refreshed in an odd way.

God Grew Tired of Us documentary movie was so enriching that I walk away from it a better person.

Wendy, I also want to see the dvd you mentioned and I really need to hit the library for those books you recommended. And I will too.

T watched the movie and didn't get anything out of it... I walked away from it feeling so inspired and renewed. It's kinda odd how that is - I'm the spiritual one and he's the educated one. I feel everything and he feels nothing... he uses his intellect and I use my senses. Go figure. And yet we're quite the duo. I learn from him... and I have no idea what he gets from being around me - I guess entertained - LOL : )

I was in tears by the time the documentary ended and T was bored. Oh well. So -you may take what you will from this... I would suggest the film, but to each their own as always.

The documentary made me realize the simplicity of life and that my life is worth so much more than I feel it is at times, and that the opportunities are endless. It's amazing how much I/we take advantage of what I/we have been given.

I was wondering when it would come to the part in the documentary when the comparisons would develop. When the different cultures would be so apparently obvious and radically different. How so much is taken for granted. I really needed to watch that film. It opened my eyes and brought the reminders I needed to really see and feel what I have in my life and what possibilities are within my grasp.

T and I had a fun conversation discussing his goals and mine. He wants to take an MBA program/study through Florida. This is going to be rather costly. He shared with me his plan to make it work. I love that he shares his goals/plans/ideas with me. This goes right along with his dream/vision for his future. I totally support him 100 percent. His ambitious desires keep me following my pursuit of education and goals as well. I really feel we are a good fit for each other in that we support each other's ideals and realistic dreams.

We both feel we have missed out on reaching our goals sooner due to other life detours etc. And we do not let that stop us. Granted, I had my serious episode the other day -and please know how much I truly appreciate the immediate replies of my dear family/loved ones. You guys are awesome!! What would I do without you in my life? You keep me grounded and allow me to be real and true to who I am. Thank you tremendously for that. If I may ever repay the effort, kindness, I would gladly do so without hesitation. (mwah mwah) and {{hugz}}

It is sooooo amazing to see my sweet man in good spirits and making plans for the future. He's registering us both for our half marathons at Disneyland end of Aug/beg Sept. My goodness, I can hardly wait. I gave him my share of the cost and really looking forward to it. I have so much to still do for preparation. It's really exciting to share such fun dreams/goals with my sweet man. He's looking so much healthier and really good. I'll have to sneak a photo in of him soon (wink wink). He recently had his hair cut and he looks great! I couldn't stop checking out my great guy -tee hee. He looks so handsome.

I do love hearing him make plans of his future... it's soooooo good to see him pondering and setting such serious goals. I know one day he will be a huge CFO of some large corporation... he's got his eye set on Disney... we'll see. It would be so perfect to be in Cali... and with me doing make-up for film etc... ahhhh the sweet visions.

Well, I must head off to bed... just wanted to post something a lot more positive since the last dreary and upsetting posts.

My mind is going in a better direction... and thank you my dearies... for your sweet words and love. I really needed it. It's amazing how after especially watching lives of others and their fight to live ... their fight to survive... and how they maintain a super positive outlook no matter the circumstances... and these people have lost their immediate families - their loved ones right in front of them during war and famine. And yet they still smile ear to ear and treat each other with love and respect. It was disheartening to see them shocked and saddened when they came to the U.S. and experienced great culture shock. Even at first in the first few months, maintained a good outlook and such great hope. Then to see after a year or so of adjusting to life in America and the different culture of Americans, how their spirits started to spiral downward. So sad as they observe the way Americans treat fellow Americans, of the same culture.. their same people. They couldn't believe it even with their own eyes. Some went into mental despair and others climbed right out of it and still soared above others.

What a miraculous difference it makes when we have the right perspective. The right attitude. This movie did wonders for me and I will hold it dear to my heart and soul. I'll watch again and again. I'll need the reminders. Even though I do not get along with my immediate family, even walking distance away from me at this very moment, I will do my best to keep my heart soft and pray for them and others. I will also work on having better thoughts.

I want to be a better person. I will always need to work on this... I suppose it is in our nature to turn from it... I think it is our culture - in a wierd way. I'd rather learn other cultures and incorporate a number of different ones in my life and my views.

Wendy, I will read up on Buddha/Buddhism (spell?)... and the other suggestions you mentioned. I had to chuckle because I read part of the other book you suggested... Eat Pray Love and I ended up storing it with my other books in storage. I became bored with it only because I had previously read two other books quite similar to that genre and story... so I put the book down. I had read Tales of a Female Nomad by Rita Golden Gelman...great book by the way... and then I read another one similar and I can't think of the author or the title of the book. When I do, I will post it.

More later : )

I'm ok

2008-06-03T11:09:00.008-07:00

A new morning, a new day - right? Isn't that how each day should start?

Thank you those of you who wrote me. I know who loves me.

M-girl and Spencer -I'm so sorry I've worried you. I worry myself all the time. The last post is a sneak preview into my mind. I have my madman moments just like everyone. I needed an outlet somewhere and I chose to write something that may or may not be seen... and at least only by those I feel would understand and still love me. ; )

I really appreciate all your love and concern. It means the world to me. You don't really know how much I needed your sweet words expressed to me.

I think I'm doing better this morning. That last post was not the first time I've ever felt this way. Welcome to my world and a closer view at what goes on in my thoughts on a regular basis. I just needed to let it out somehow so I didn't do anything stupid. I haven't had any time to write or vent or anything in a long while and that was sooooooooooooo needed.

I slept in late this morning. I have a lunch date with Amber, an old dear friend I haven't seen in ages... and I'm really looking forward to it. Would you believe, I totally forgot about it though last night? Ugh. Good thing I was able to go to bed... even though I was up until after 2am this morning -unable to sleep... hence the late sleeping in part.

Well, no worries for now ok. As most suicidal people... one can tell I've got plans and I'm keeping them. I just have to keep telling myself about this and that.

I've had issues / episodes like last night all my life. Not just last night. That's why I'm on medication and have been for long time. I seriously needed an outlet last night and I'm triple sorry for worrying y'all. Please know that your responses were so appreciated and I did need them. Thank you for caring. Glad to know the people I tell myself in my head that love me -really do.

Merrianne, your mom wrote me such a sweet email. I've been meaning to comment on a comment similar she wrote on diet divas to me... and I don't know if I ever did or not... I couldn't remember which post the comment was posted. Please tell her 'thank you' and a big hug from me. She hit the hammer on the nail about people who give a lot of love. Her words brought me tears. Any words from a 'mother hen' are so needed too. When I've really needed it the most, I don't feel I ever had that... course my mother would feel betrayed and horrified if I repeated such a thing to her, as I've already told her before... sadly but it is true. I love my mom. I love my dad. I love everyone in my family. It's just kinda funny sometimes, ya know... how people give love in different ways... but is it ever given in the way it is actually needed? People need love in different ways... one person may need hugs. Another words. And another gifts, I suppose... I don't know. And that one person who needs it this one particular way, let's say hugs, actually gets gifts. So is this person ever feeling love? Not from that person who gave gifts.

I don't know if I'm making any sense right now... but anyway... yes this has been communicated with the same people necessary... but when those people don't really listen... what's the point?

I also have a very dear boyfriend indeed... and yet at times I wonder. He doesn't feel anything. I never hear him say the words, "I love you"... We don't kiss. We don't have physical intimacy. And that's ok I guess. I'm trying to be ok with it. I love him. Something occurred to me the other night. How is it that a person can feel absolutely nothing? I watched this movie and it totally disturbed me. I cried and cried. Ever hear of or see "Alpha Dog"? It's based on a true story and it's just awful. I couldn't believe it. T tells me, it's very realistic. I said, 'yah, but didn't it bother you?' No, he says. I totally cried. It got under my skin. Maybe I feel too much. We are total opposites. Funny how that works.

I have soooooooooo many thoughts lately and no one to really express them to... so I'm going to start writing again and post all sorts of crazy feelings and thoughts on here -ok. So please know I'm working through these things.

Wendy, you are amazing. I really needed what you wrote me. Your words are what I needed by far too. I always need these reminders. These are the sort of words I get from T, and he is very helpful as well. I was having a very very low point last night ... and I'll tell ya, the weekend was worst. It's a good thing there are no guns laying around here, cuz Sunday night... for sure I would've used one. It was so heavy on my mind, I almost called a shrink myself. I had to lock myself into my room and force myself to go to work yesterday. The only gun around here, that I'm even aware of... is my 38 bb gun! LOL. It looks real enough to scare even an intruder... tee hee. (ok bad laughing here... that's just my craziness).

I have needed an outlet like this for soooooooo long. Please know I'm ok right now. Wendy, your words snapped something for me in my head... it was just what I needed. Got any good book recommendations? I need stuff like that to keep me going in the right direction. I have been surrounded by craziness that I started to really go crazy.

A true suicidal, as any psychologist or psychiatrist would say... doesn't make plans... or well um doesn't keep them. I say -plans or no plans... when a person says anything about this crap, it could be real. So thank you for taking me serious. Wow, I really didn't mean to cause a stir... and I wasn't joking though either... so it's not like I'm some person calling wolf when there's no wolf either.

I just needed a moment to be real and verbal... and let out what was going on in my head so I could get some sense of it all. I needed some serious head-banging to put my head in order again. I hate this... I deal with this all the time folks. It wasn't just a one-time occasion. However, it did come to a bad boil yesterday... I just knew I had to get it out of my head somehow before I did react.

Wendy, you and T both have it together... I appreciate your straight comments and sharing from your heart. I wish I were that strong. At times I am, and at other times I'm just not. Last night I caved into my feelings... and I was battling them out.

I don't know how to be that strong when I'm around certain family members who know how to make my insides shake and boil. So when I feel that happening, I leave. My sister wasn't going to let me leave. I tried sooooooooo hard, to keep it together, and I knew if I didn't leave, I'd lose it, so when she didn't let me leave, I reached for my cell phone and told her I'd call 9-1-1 if she didn't let me leave. Ugh... I'm not a dramatic person. I can't stand drama. How does one cope with someone who is drama queen? I sure don't know.

I've tried maintaining calm, and I'll tell ya, the words that are exchanged, the accusations are ridiculous. I started with calmness and just looked back at her like, "what the hell is your problem? - look... and to be accused of such nonsense etc... I came unglued. My only resolve is to stay hundreds of yards away. I don't know what else to do.

I was upset last night and the weekend for multitude of reasons... everything came to a head. I have been upsetting T too. Because I'm always late. Because I haven't been keeping my word. Because ... because... because... because... the list seems endless. I just got tired of hearing it. I feel I can't reach or meet expectations all the time. I have a boyfriend who comes very close to perfection. Yep even I have a hard time believing it. He's a genius. And geniuses are not easy to be involved with ... read about any of them.

I love intelligence and I love learning. So I love being around smart people. I feel I lack so short so much. I know, I know, don't compare. I'm always being critically reminded of those things I am not doing or doing wrong. How am I supposed to feel?

My dearest friends will easily comment that I have no sense of time. What I think it actually comes down to is I just don't give a shit about time. It truly doesn't exist anyway. -right? It's man-made. I don't even wear a watch. Jokes have been ongoing for as long as I remember about me and time and they certainly don't go together. Lol. But it bothers my man. He hates being late. He hates that I'm not ready when I say I will be. And believe me, I've worked on it.

And he knows I don't do it on purpose either... I've been super busy lately. I've been on someone else's clock / schedule lately. Here and there -I've been going and going. He says I can't say NO. Which really isn't true. I say NO often enough actually. There are just some things I feel are important that he doesn't. Well, it's not like we don't see eye to eye or anything cuz we do... we just have our moments like any relationship. And he would so be upset right now if he knew I was writing about our relationship. Again, I'm just letting this out.

I think I really will work on a book. I think it would be super therapeutic for me. Whether or not I actually publish the darn thing.

Well I gotta jet... I have now only 15 min to get ready... yeppers late again. Ugh.

My luv to you dear friends/family,
I luv you ; )

ADDITIONAL NOTE: *HA! I wasn't late for that lunch date after-all! I made it right on time! Yay for me ; )

Confused

2008-06-01T22:02:00.003-07:00

I don't even know how to post what's really going on in my head without coming across looney. I just don't even know what to say anymore.

I feel so alone. I don't have the support one should normally have from family. The only family that does support me lives far away.

I'm walking distance from immediate family and that alone makes me want to cringe. I've always wanted to be close with my family. Perhaps that is my first mistake. I tell ya, it just kills me how much bickering and fighting goes on in my family. There is more fighting than anything else. Today is my nephew's birthday and I can't even wish him a happy birthday knowing that the effort will just go in vain. I don't know why I have tried so hard for all these years to maintain any sort of peace. My sister wants all the attention, well she can have it now. It's all hers.

I can't seem to get the image of the Grand Canyon out of my mind.

I want to skip work tomorrow and just for a long drive and do a Thelma/Louise jump. Why not? Life seems so dreary lately anyway. No matter how hard I try either in this way or that, seems it's always wrong and I'm just upsetting one person or another anyway.

I do want to wipe out the existence of who I have always been... and start over. Is that even possible? Is it ok to change a name without getting married? Truly I am not happy and I don't know what to do. I feel so stuck in so many ways, it's pathetic. I only let others down all the time anyway. I'm sorry y'all for that. Seems the harder I try, the more I let everyone down.

I may be helping one person over here, but I've left another over there... I can't seem to do anything right. It's very upsetting and I feel I only hear about all my failures instead of anything good. So why the hell am I still here then? I'm surprised no one has shot me dead. (pathetic laugh)

I think I'll go try dreaming and see if I may get my mind in a different direction. I have always been positive and optimistic... so here's a view into my dark side. Sorry again. But hey, don't we all have one? We just hide it. Disguise it. It's evil/bad. Not how we're supposed to be. Well tonight I'm being super open and honest.

Oh and by the way, no immediate family in Mesa has access to this site any longer.

This is totally private and only a small few have the privilege of viewing... so hence my willingness to open up.

G'nite.

Frustration

2008-05-31T16:06:00.004-07:00

Aaaaaagggggghhhhh!

I just need a moment to vent. Had a big blow out fight with my sister. Seems these fights are more often than not these days.

I'm so tired and worn out of it all. I almost called 9-1-1 at my parents' home when she wouldn't let me leave through the front door. That immediately woke her senses, and she backed off. So I walked out the back door. She, of course, followed me heatedly and insisted on discussing things right then and there. Problem is, she doesn't know how to DISCUSS... she only knows how to yell. I have to yell over her just to be heard. I hate that. I hate yelling. So my nerves were shaking and my blood was boiling.

You know, I guess people really do change as they get older. I don't like who my sister has become as an adult and we continuously butt heads.

I was over at my parents' house to run an errand to Sam's Club with my mom and she had my nephews over so we all went. I told my mom to have my nephew bring his rollerblades with him, so he and I could rollerblade around the block afterwards. Well, that didn't happen because as soon as we arrived back from our errand, my sister was there to pick up the kids. As usual I never get to have any time with them.

Apparently my bro-in-law doesn't want me anywhere near them anyway. He calls me 'psycho' and 'crazy' ... where that came from -I don't know. Personally, anyone who grounds their children for a full year is beyond reasonable. And I'm the crazy one? Maybe this is normal, maybe I am the crazy one because I think that is just too long to ground a child... so be it. I'd surely do things differently though if I were a parent. Granted anyone who has kids may choose to differ and tell me I don't have a clue about anything just because I don't have children. I'll never understand. What? I'm not an adult? I can't have feelings? My mind doesn't work? I can't have thoughts and feelings about how something should be done? I guess not. I'm not a parent. What do I know?

Argh. I think I'll just go and watch my video and take a few deep breaths to relax.

I sure wish things were different in my family. Don't we all sometimes? But it is what it is... and some things will just never change I suppose. I'll always be the black sheep in the family. My ways are different. My views are different and it usually seems all because I left the LDS church. So I'm not involved in the church anymore. It doesn't mean I don't have values and/or standards of my own. Gosh, I'm worn out from all the hostility.

I think I will write a book on it one day. And let the whole family (despite a few family members) hate me while I go to the bank on it. Who knows? Funny how life ends up huh? You know, makes me wonder... am I crazy? Because I have tried for too long to be the darn peacemaker in the family to no avail? What the hell was I thinking? I sure don't know. Please pardon today's venting session. I may come back later for more. :)

Hope your day is much better than mine.

Independence

2008-05-22T11:41:00.001-07:00

I like this too!

You Are 67% Independent

You've cultivated your own independent interests and personal style.

But you're open minded enough to also embrace anything trendy that strikes you.

Are You an Independent Woman?

My name has meaning

2008-05-22T11:25:00.005-07:00

Hi, I copied this off of someone else's blog. Kinda interesting:

What Christy Means

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.

You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.

A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.

Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.

Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.

You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.

You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.

You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.

You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.

You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.

You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.

You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.

You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

I luv this

2008-05-20T09:55:00.007-07:00

Too beautiful not to share

Kellie is just too cute! On The View:
On The View-Part2
On The View-Part3
On The View-Part4
This is hilarious! Simon Cowell on phone with Kellie:

Gotta Luv NEIL DIAMOND

2008-05-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

Check out this video: Pretty Amazing Grace

Add to My Profile | More Videos

TWILIGHT movie trailer

2008-05-16T23:54:00.001-07:00

My New Abode and Work

2008-05-15T10:36:00.022-07:00

OK so I'm starting to use the camera! I took some fun photos of my current home and where I sit at work. I tried to get a photo of the building where I work from outside last night but it was just too dark lol. I didn't remember to take one earlier in the day. Hope you enjoy the photos :)

And my world at work

Yay my camera is up and running NOW!

2008-05-14T11:11:00.015-07:00

I tested my camera this morning and took a few fun shots of the pets just now! Here's my baby Gizmo and her new roommie Porter ;) They like to keep me company when I'm on the loft and using my computer. Aren't they adorable? Such sweet animals. I luv 'em.

Don't they look relaxed and mellow ;) My baby is loving her new home. She's talking with the birds as I type lol. She's now laying on the chair behind me at the other desk lol. I'm on the loft typing away on my computer. I love my new home. I'll include pix of the home next. So you can see me and my new abode.

Gizmo and Porter say hi...
Have a great day!
~Christy

Update

2008-05-13T08:07:00.008-07:00

Good morning!

Last Saturday night, Tony and I went to dinner at Red Robin and then to see IRONMAN movie! And we absolutely loved it!! I could watch it again and again it was sooooo good. Love Robert Downey Jr. That guy is has such a gift with acting.

I've been busy with cleaning, organizing and creating order in my life. It's been a great feeling to feel so organized and in charge of my life again, to some degree anyway.

This morning I have a dr appt for my ER follow up. I will keep you updated as I am.

I have a few things to take care of this week, so it's keeping me busy and away from this blog... not to mention my focus on changing my lifestyle with better and healthier habits.

Work is also keeping me busy... so I'm short on time today... gotta go for my walk and head to dr appt soon!

Hope y'all are having a great day! It's beautiful over here this morning and chance of rain today! Weather is nice and cool right now. It was hot yesterday ;)

Mother's Day

2008-05-11T12:49:00.010-07:00

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

These are two photos of my mom and me. 1st was a memorable day for us when my mom's brother, my Uncle Steve was recognized and had an SRP building/station commemorated in his honor. (Notice the "WEBBER" sign behind us? In honor of Steve Webber. It was really cool.

The next photo was a couple months ago at a luncheon in Subway.

I love you Mom. We may not always agree or see eye to eye on things, nonetheless you are my mother and I do love you very much. You have been there for me during some rough times and I have really appreciated those times that you were. Whenever I was sick, you were quick to come and bring me meds, food, and friendship. You've been a shoulder to cry on many times. I am grateful for those occasions. I know and understand where your heart is and that you love me. Even though we live such different lifestyles, we have other things we do agree on and enjoy.

I love you Mom, always have, always will, with all my heart.

I hope you are having a sweet Mother's Day ;)

Lotsa Luv,
Christy

Cleaning & Chill day ~

2008-05-10T20:57:00.003-07:00

Today was an early rising, productive/cleaning and chill day. This song below is one of my faves of Joss Stone ... Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now... totally suits my mood at this very moment - ahhhh R & R ... ENJOY! ;)

Pondering thoughts on Water

2008-05-08T11:34:00.007-07:00

Remember when I mentioned in my blog when I went to the Science Center with Tony and I walked away pondering a few things. Well this is one of them:

Advertisement

Another one, not entertaining, but informative...I had a hard time finding good videos quickly ...so here's a quick view anyway.

I thought this was kinda interesting... LOL

Best one yet...so far...

One for entertainment:

This is one of the thoughts wading around in my head. I'm going to read even more up on this. Just want to throw this out there for others... I've been paying even more attention to how much water I actually use versus waste. I want to improve and be even more aware of the water I am using/wasting. Are you aware of how much you use/waste? Something to think about and evaluate?

Gotta jet out to work ;)

Another Adventure, this time E.R.

2008-05-06T06:11:00.023-07:00

Hey ... the adventures never end. I spent last night in E.R.

I had been experiencing some pretty bad chest pains for the last 3-4 days. I went to work as usual yesterday and the pain was pretty bad. I couldn't even concentrate at all on my work. (Had a hard time going to sleep too night prior). I talked with my supervisors and they encouraged me to go to ER.

So I did. Tony met me there. We were there from 4:30pm til 2:30am. It was packed with people and crazy busy. Some of us were quite gabby and had a few laughs despite circumstances. I even made a friend lol. JK. But I met someone interested in applying for work where I work...so I have a referral now. She was actually there for the same thing as me. Only her result was kidney stones. She was there with her husband, and then her mother or mother-n-law showed up with her son... and he was kinda cute...lol... anyway... we were all chatting and laughing.

Oh yah, in the very beginning it was ruled out that it was not relating to anything cardio. Thank goodness, cause I didn't know.

Prior to being in this waiting room which was the reassessment area... I had been taking chest x-rays, EKG, blood drawn (and mind you by new fire dept employees... I think they were taking opportunity to learn on me! ... and yes there were a lot of hotties roaming around in FIRE DEPT attire. Even at one time Tony told me there were 5 people in the small room I was having blood drawn.) They were having difficulties with me, as usual, my veins are hard to find. That was fun. Totally JK. I started to freak out from nerves and my hands and body became ice cold. Thank goodness, after they were done and after Tony rubbed my shoulder telling me it was ok, I started to relax, and one of the men in the room kept reminding me to "breathe" lol. I was fading in and out. Uck. I told them about how my father always passes out when blood is drawn, and reminded them at least I wasn't passing out, (though I came close-ugh)... even Tony told them it was very unusual for me to be so ice cold, cuz I'm always warm.

Then it was off again to wait. So after many hours later, I had my vitals taken, moved to a room with a bed, where the results were given from the tests and I'd be told whether or not I'd be admitted etc. Luckily that was not necessary. Turns out I have GERD. GastroEsophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) This is a condition where acid from the stomach backs up into the esophagus (food pipe). Most people experience this as occasional heartburn. Sometimes, the backup occurs so frequently that the symptoms are severe, and eventually damage may be done to the esophagus.

I have been prescribed medications to decrease the acid secretion in the stomach or to coat the esophagus. I'll need to avoid caffeine, alcohol, spicy, greasy and acidic foods to decrease discomfort. Need to pay attention to what I eat. If it makes my symptoms worse, I'll need to avoid it. I will need to avoid lying down after eating. Obesity may worsen the symptoms of reflux. Any evening meals should be eaten at least 2-3 hours before bedtime.

All of the things we already know. How about that?

So leaving the hospital at 2:30am, Tony and I went to gas station to fill our cars as needed, then stopped at Walgreen's to pick up the meds so I'll have them this morning. I got home at 3:30am. Yah I don't know why I"m awake at the moment, but I'm going to go back and lie back down after this email/blog.

I will have to schedule a follow-up appt with my primary doctor for ER follow up... and may need to also have my gall bladder checked too. They had given me meds that really helped the situation immediately. I was in so much pain, I would keel over and wanna cry. It was not only in the center of my chest, but also in the top center of my stomach too. Doc told me it is the eating away of the esophagus. Quite painful. Felt as bad as heart attack.

So all is good. I'm home and ready to go curl up with pillows again.

What a night!

(Oh yah, and get this -Dr's Order... NO EXERCISE for 2 weeks!) Ugh. (No heavy lifting, hard work, etc)

CURIOUS? http://www.gerd.com/consumer/gerd-causes.aspx

EVEN MORE CURIOUS?

http://www.acg.gi.org/physicians/guidelines/GERDTreatment.pdf

And my FAVE SITE:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gastroesophageal_reflux_disease

Weekend: Date & Relaxing - Rest

2008-05-05T07:23:00.005-07:00

I had promised Tony that I'd set aside Saturday as a day for him and me. We went to the Science Center for our Saturday date, and really enjoyed the TITANIC exhibit. I walked away from it pondering a few things.

It was really interesting and I marveled at the artifacts and how well preserved they are/were. The exhibit made it come alive for me all the more. Instead of just something to read about, it was visual and real. We were given boarding passes of actual passengers of the Titanic. After the exhibit, or at least near the end of it, there's a huge list of survivors and non-survivors, and we were to look to find the name of the passenger we held on our boarding pass to see if in fact the person listed on our pass survived or not. It was really interesting. There were quite a bit of facts about the person in which we held on our boarding pass.

Mine was -
Passenger Name: Mrs. Amin S. Jerwan (Marie Marthe Thuillard)
Age: 23 From: New York, New York
Accompanied By: Traveled alone
Class: 2nd (it was divided into 3 different classes)
Cabin # Unknown
Traveling to: New York, New York
Reason: Marie had immigrated to America in 1909 and married the son of a Turkish clergyman. In early 1912, she returned to her family's home in Switzerland for several weeks to visit relatives, then boarded the Ship to return to her husband in New York City.

Passenger Fact: Marie had originally booked her return to the United States on Olympic. Growing uneasy when she learned that Olympic had gone in for repairs, she changed her ticket to sail on Titanic.

Even the passenger Tony was given, had some very interesting facts too. There were many to read about posted on the walls etc. I took it all in and pondered it greatly.

There were over 2200 passengers aboard... only a short number over 700 survived. I don't remember the exact numbers. There was an iceberg (more-like a huge ice block for visitors to touch)... it was noted that the water many lives were lost in, were lost due to hypothermia and the water was colder than the ice block we could touch. Again it created a visual for me to imagine further the horrendous circumstances these people had died in and/or survived in. I couldn't believe it. The exhibit was very well done and I was very impressed.

Tony had already seen the one from 3-4 years ago when it was at the Science Center then... and wanted to go again. I could see why. It leaves an impact upon one and helps to appreciate the things we have today. Esp our lives.

We enjoyed our visit to the Center and went out to eat for Italian food afterwards at Olive Garden. It had actually been awhile for me since I had been there. We had a fun date together and it was really nice.

Yesterday, I took it easy. A day of R & R. One I haven't had in a long time. At least over a month or so. I almost forgot how much I love just to relax. LOL. I visited a dear friend I hadn't seen in awhile and we had a good visit. I was able to sit and have dinner with her and catch up on things in life.

Overall, a great weekend... and I'll look forward to the next one. Lol.

Have a great week/day! :)

An adventurous move - memorable for sure!

2008-05-05T06:38:00.008-07:00

I'm in my new home and i'll tell ya it's been an interesting few days. To sum it up hmmmm, ok started with two roommates right? well the other roommate moved out very quickly while Tobyn (owner) was at work, and started moving while i was here but told me he was just moving the things he doesn't use to his mom's new place, she just arrived from Wisconsin Wednesday afternoon while Tony and I were working on my car. YEP working on my car... it completely died on me while I was transporting my cat and a loaded car from my apt... I left work early tue night at 7pm so I could arrange to move in while the roommies were awake since they go to bed early about 9pm. (They leave early morning for work about 4-5am) I didnt' want to be moving in on my first night while they were sleeping etc. needless to say the car was having problems just before I arrived home from work when I was checking mail at the apt complex and thought it died on me, started up luckily, but barely, and I parked, ran inside, got my cat, stuff, and ran back to my car, praying it would start again, it was not wanting to but it did... I barely made it to Tobyn's (my new place) and it died when I shut it off.

So Tony and I worked on it all day Wed. Oh yah, first Tony (my bf) came and got me late Tue night after the game, I told him he could finish watching his game since he'll be helping me out, I didn't want to take him away from that since it was only another 45 min or so to go, if that.

Anyway, my car problem was the alternator, took old one out replaced with new one. Tony and I were up late Tue night until about 2am... went to Denny's after finishing touches on the apt, and I just slept at his place so I could wake him in the morning so it wouldn't be a constant struggle trying to reach him in the morning since he's a deadsleeper... and phone doesn't wake him. Since he was driving me around, it was just easier. So I slept in his spare room, on the sofa, cuz he has a huge puzzle project going on. lol. I'll tell ya this move has to go down as probably the most adventurous one yet! lol.

Woke early because my friend Alain had met us at the apt to do finishing touches Tue night after she got off work at 10pm... so we arrived at same time... and afterwards she was too tired to go to Denny's afterall, (at first she wanted to, but took us longer than we thought) and her car was loaded with my things too. Soooo needless to say, after thinking there wasn't anything in her car I needed right away... I was wrong... my bathroom toiletries that I use on a daily basis were in there and I desperately needed to shower and clean up before work the next morning. How about that? What are the odds? lol

So she leaves early for work at 6am, and I was trying to not fall into deep sleep to leave her a text that when she drops off my things, as per our discussion by phone that night, I also needed something else she had, that at this moment I don't even remember now what it was... lol.

Anyhow, she did... and that morning I got maybe 3 hours of sleep... up at 5 and in/out of sleep til 6am to text her because i didn't want to text too early and wake her etc... if possible... then I was awake by then and called my friend Tony cuz he works early morning 4am or so... and reached him and talked with him about my car problem and how we were solving it. Since i had called him and didn't know what to do because I couldn't reach b/f Tony. Well my friend Tony was in North Glendale at the time and couldn't make it out here to help... so I was beyond happy and relieved when I reached b/f Tony on the phone during the game that night. anyway, we were up Thursday morning by 7am (both Tony and I) and we headed out the door by 8:15am to start the car fixing!

Came by the house to check on the car and find out where the alternator is located first and foremost if he could do himself. Surely it was, still awkward location, but he managed. TJ (the other roommate, Tobyn is owner) helped Tony with the car for a bit, and then his mom arrived, and he offered to help, even though he and his mom ran a few errands he left a note for us with his cell number if we needed his help. Tony didn't want to bother him, so we managed on our own. He did all the work, a couple times he needed my assistance, otherwise I was busy moving things in from his car, etc.

We both took a few breaks - had to keep running an errand here or there for parts etc... get the old alternator I had tested to see if it was still good or not, surely it failed, and by 4pm we were done and I was $240 less. so all in all, Tony saved me a ton of money... it would've cost me closer to $500 had i taken it to a shop for labor etc. Wow huh? That's not the half of it.

So I went in to work 4 hours late... and could've worked late for the overtime as it was being offered but I had to stop at Alain's before she went to bed, which I still got there late like 10:45pm to get the things of mine that were in her car and transfer to my car. I've been constantly going everyday for the past 2-3 weeks or more. It's getting exhausting.

Anyway, did that... got home after/around midnight, unsure. (stopped at Jack in the Box, I was starving) went to my room ate with my cat, gave her some chicken pieces and we went to bed. lol.

Next morning I was back (oh yah my room is upstairs) up and down the stairs unloading my car for the (I don't know how many times)... time... and this is when TJ was moving his things out. I thought he was just moving what he wasn't using over to his mom's place as that's what he told me. sooooo, I get this phone call while i'm at work from Tobyn. A message on my machine since I couldn't answer when he called, that TJ has moved 90% of his things out and basically has screwed him over- that TJ barely informed him that he was going to be moving out and that it would be the end of the month (May).

Soooo, Tobyn changed the locks. left a new key for me in the backyard to get in... (I should be laughing deliriously by this point, but I remain calm somehow) lmao. All is good though.

I'm in ...getting settled... and putting in overtime at work too to boot. I was at work til midnight Thurs night and went in early Friday again to make up for the hours I missed. So that my 5 hours of overtime last week will still count. lol again.

Oh yah, I was supposed to make it to the apt walk-through Wed morning, but that's when we were working on the car etc... so I ended up going Fri morning before work. It's all good. Would you believe I still got dinged for the bathtub not because of the mold, but because of the fact she took her finger and ran it down the side of the tile and it was um... can't even think of that darn word right now... but uh had a film or something from the cleaning. JEEEEEESH! oh well. so I told her WOW two of us scrubbed that darn thing... as best we could. so she then only charged me $20 and said she wouldn't charge for the mold. How about that? Cry and make a fuss... lol, and save a whole measly $5. JK. I didn't cry or fuss, really, but commented is all. Got dinged for the windows and blinds anyway... I was too tired to tell her was that we cleaned the inside windows, the dirt was from outside... per the sheet noted to clean inside windows... oh well... at this point in time I didn't give a rat's ass... lol. so 20 bux here 20 bux there, just send me the damn bill and let me go on my way. lol. Nah, it wasn't bad, I think I've just become a bit cynical in the last few days... not verbally but mentally. All is good, I can't complain. I also got dinged for the fans (I guess feather-dusting isn't good enough)... and the carpet will be pro-rated according to the six years etc. All is good. She gave me a post office change of address card... and I was able to hand it to the mail lady that was there at the moment... Done! Yay!

Sooooo much to fill you in on... lol. Oh and my roommate Tobyn is wonderful... a bit particular, meticulous is putting it lightly, even he admitted that people have accused him of being OCD ... (obsessive compulsive) ... which I told him is fine by me, I have some in me too... and I just laugh... cuz other people probably would have difficulty living here but I love it! lol. It's very clean and open and clutter free... and I got rid of all my crap. Took me long while, but I did. I'm sooooo much lighter... I luv it! So even though my one room is a bit full, it's still organized and I can manage. It looks decent... actually, I'm very proud of myself.

I think i need a serious bath of relaxing right? ... Well and it looks like the shower in the bathroom I use, doesn't convert to a bath! another lol. I can't get the thing to go down that allows the faucet head to pour water... this shower is designed for the special two header shower... I think for managing water costs/expenses. esp since he's had so many roommates. would you believe 11 in 3 years time. Granted there are two bedrooms... that seems like a lot to me. Oh well. I think I know why. The room I'm in ... get this, is the hottest room in the house. Yeppers. And if you know me, I like it cool. Another lol. He keeps the a/c at about 80 which is warm to me, but for some reason I'm managing just fine and I haven't been hot. It's a very relaxing environment, feng shui like, and nice... I like it a lot actually. I just laugh cuz my friend Tony is like "oh hell no, there's no way I could live like that!" etc... I just laugh. I like it. hee hee. It is very calming and very relaxing.

Tobyn told me he likes things a certain way, but it doesn't mean it has to be that way etc... so he's totally laid back and cool too. So I get along fine.

So YAY - I have my computer up and running again... I'm all settled in... and life is good.

Update on the big move!

2008-04-29T03:10:00.003-07:00

Almost over! Tonight is the last night I sleep in my apt - Wow! Last night of solitude for awhile. Sniff sniff. But all in all...this is a good thing! I'm that much closer to reaching my dream of being a make-up artist and that much closer to leaving for California!

I wish I had my camera operable because the last couple weekends have been quite interesting and would have made for some fun photos. As soon as I get settled into my new place, I'll pull out the camera and get to work on it. I miss taking photos and sharing in memories!

Two weeks ago, (previous weekend) a dear friend of mine came over and kindly helped me transport all my heavy items/furniture into storage via Uhaul. I was quite surprised how quickly we actually had it all done. We were at Uhaul to pick up the truck about 9:30am, and returned it around 12:40pm. Not bad huh? We were glad to get it done so quickly.

Then this last weekend, surprisingly and unexpectedly, I had four friends over helping me to pack, transport items and clean! It has been a spring cleaning affair! I sure wish I had my camera on Sunday. Two friends were both in the kitchen -one was cleaning the freezer/fridge, the other cleaning the stove... another in the bathroom cleaning the tub/shower, and another friend and I were in the bedroom packing up the clothes in the closet into my two suitcases. Talk about true friends. When it comes to moving, one definitely learns to whom a true friendship exists. I feel very blessed to have such wonderful friends in my life. I don't know how I'd get through some of my rough times without them. {thank you, friends, mwah mwah}

My apt is so sadly bare right now. It's weird. Yet, I'm excited to move on and see where my next adventure takes me. So much to experience and learn in life. My life is richly blessed with many good friends, family/extended family and acquaintances.

Just a tidbit of chores left to do and I'll be completely out of my place by Wednesday morning. Woohoo!

FYI, I'm not sure how soon my computer will be up and running again after I take it down in the next few hours before work. So to y'all who read this... I shall be up again soon.

Happy Tuesday!
I'm off to sleep for the last time in my cute little apt before I leave. (wiping tear, JK)

LuvY'all,
Christy

Always a work in progress...I am

2008-04-25T11:44:00.005-07:00

I'm always learning something new on a daily basis...

Here's a great quote:

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever...--Isak Dinesen

I can relate with these words above, indefinitely. I am learning that I worry far too much about things and I'm consciously beginning to put forth an effort to not do it. I am learning more things about myself as time goes on, that either I do like or don't, and will take the time on a regular basis as I have been doing, to evaluate myself and my actions. As I'm sure we all do at times.

Life is a constant journey of mistakes and accomplishments. Sometimes those accomplishments are mistakes and sometimes the mistakes are accomplishments. Ha, a quote of my own!

Half the worry in the world is caused by people trying to make decisions before they have sufficient knowledge on which to base a decision.--Dean Hawkes (Gosh, how true is this?!)

Happy the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all.--Ovid (Here's one for you my luv T... this is you... and I'm so glad to have you as a great example in my life. This is one of my ultimate goals in life. I believe when a person makes a decision and chooses to keep it, anything can be done. I hope to accomplish this in my lifetime.)

I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance. Then whenever doubt, anxiety, or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal and soon they'll forget my number.--Edith Armstrong (I really like this one... I'm going to apply this in my life)

So, can you tell what's on my mind today? Hmmm... not hard. LOL. Why is it that it is so easy to worry and it's just as easy not to worry? Yet we put so much effort into it.

I have been really stressed over moving, my job, my new pay-cut/demotion at work, new different expenses, current expenses, getting a 2nd job, barely having any time to do certain things already and what will it be like after an additional job on top of that... medical expenses, gas expenses, unexpected expenses on a tiny budget, downsizing already to make ends meet and struggling already, not having enough time in the day to get necessary chores done, meeting expectations at work, succeeding with personal goals, relationships, ugh, the list never ends. I'm tired of worrying. After a lengthy discussion with my man T and my friend T... yep two different T's... I've come to realize after much pondering/evaluating too -that I seriously need to work on my worrying habits.

So, I begin... first it's a conscious analization and realization, now the work begins. Instead I'm going to remind myself on a daily/constant basis when I catch myself worrying and even beforehand... that I cannot change/control the things beyond my control. So therefore I will change what I can. ME.

I'm not going to worry anymore at all. YAH, easier said than done huh? I know. This is my ultimate goal. No more worrying. And substituting worry with living! I'm going to LIVE. Fulfilling life dreams and goals. Enjoying the beautiful things in life as there are many to enjoy. Taking one day at a time and one responsibility at a time. And at the same time, improving my own personal well-being and feasting upon knowledge and learning of all kinds.

There is so much to learn and experience. I want to really live and experience much.

A few more thoughts...

It helps to write down half a dozen things which are worrying me. Two of them, say, disappear; about two of them nothing can be done, so it's no use worrying; and two perhaps can be settled.--Winston Churchill (in Churchill: Taken from the Diaries of Lord Moran)

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.--Anonymous (Guideposts)

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.--Corrie Ten Boom

These are helpful ideas of how to focus on not worrying... I'm going to give them a try...

Have a worry-free day and one filled with much faith and happiness! (I will) Remember, believe it and it is!

SUMMER TIME & The BEACH! Beware...

2008-04-24T03:08:00.014-07:00

Hi Y'all... OK, so I couldn't resist this article! I had to post it for y'all to see/read. I am fascinated by these water creatures, I love learning about them and watching as many documentaries as possible. I'm a big fan of SHARK WEEK, what can I say?! I want to know about these large predators and be familiar so when/if I am in their habitat, I will know how to survive etc.

I had my own encounter with a shark last Summer when I was at Newport Beach/Balboa area. I was out in the water just off the shore -jumping/riding the waves with my friends and it was a major achievement for me to be out as far as I was... as I am terrified of these animals. Granted I wasn't out very far... I could touch the ground, except for when those large gigantic waves would form and before I could run towards the shore, I'd be sucked up by the strong pulling force of the water suction and pulled out further then picked up by the huge waves and thrashed into the sand, pushing me rapidly like a ragdoll towards the shore again. Oddly enough I kept going back for more -LOL.

At one point, I felt the sucking pull and turned towards the sea to find a gigantic wave forming and it actually kinda scared me so I wanted to start running towards the shore, I didn't want to play with this one. Just as I started to turn and make a quick bolt for the shore... the water wanted to play. I felt my body being pulled out by the wave and sure enough I was sucked in and then violently thrown into the sand/ground and as I came up and was able to head a bit towards the shore, something hit me hard in the calf. Real hard. Not only was I hit, but I felt a strong jam into me. It totally frightened me and I immediately fought the water as I wanted out of this scary game. I turned when I could, when I was about out of the water, and looked back into the water... scanning where I was and looking for any sign of what hit me. I didn't see anything. Just people out in the water playing the wave games and wading. My friend was right by where I was... and she was just having a ball. I looked over at her and around her... and at others in the water. I kept my fears to myself. I wasn't 100% sure of what I knew hit me. I've read plenty and seen more documentaries than most... I was pretty sure.

My calf hurt. I knew it would leave a mark. That was not a gentle tap, not even a gentle hit... that was a ram signifying 'hey, you're in my territory, what are you?' I stood on the beach shore for a few minutes... pondering to myself, wondering. Do I dare get back in the water? I looked over about a hundred yards to my right and realized where we were playing in the water... yep, the pier. Where many people were sitting on the edge of the pier -of all things, FISHING! I quickly raced through my memories of what I have learned in the docs and sure enough -wading by a pier is not exactly a smart thing to do. Ugh.

Then my mind started to really work! I remembered when my friend and I first got in the water and not even 10 min or so of jumping the waves, I remember something catching my eye to the left of me, floating in the water... you'll never guess... this is really gross but Mr Monthly was quite present in my friend's life and she lost her paper good in the water! Floating on by me... yuck! I quickly pointed it out to her and she gasped... we tried to catch it but the waves sucked it away from us before we could get it out of the water and out of sight from other swimmers. How embarrassing, I know, and yet not so much when no one even saw it. But it didn't even occur to me until after my forming bruise on my right calf... and after we had been back to our hotel room -that it actually occurred to me of our circumstances and how I wasn't truly thinking at all. Argh.

Pier... bloody paper... oh and I forgot to mention that it dawned on me -how silly of me and rather quite stupid I'll admit... that right before I felt that hard pelt on my calf... I was relieving myself in that darn ocean... I know EW... but I had to go so bad... YEP I was peeing in the ocean... NOW LET ME TELL YOU... DON'T EVER PEE in the OCEAN for a reason! It draws these creatures to come and investigate! So all these factors play in to confirm my suspicions correctly that I'd say 99% of me is absolutely sure I was hit by a curious shark! I had a nice big ol' bruise on my calf as evidence for about a couple weeks too. Now you go on and believe whatever you want... I know what I felt and I know I was certainly among enough triggers to draw one on by... -sigh- You draw your own conclusions, and I have my own.

I'll definitely think twice before I repeat such events... anyway, I think the below article is very interesting... With SUMMER approaching, I hope you'll all be careful and smarter than I was last summer. Have FUN, Play SMART, and Be SAFE... Oh and by the way, indeed, I did go back in the water :)

North America's Top Shark-Attack Beaches
Attacks are rare, but that doesn't mean they're not there
By Stephen Regenold

Somewhere in the mental file we all have of "ways I don't want to die," deep in the realm of bad dreams, there's an image of a great white shark — black-eyed and toothy, tough-skinned and chomping. Maybe you first saw this 20-foot-long eating machine on Animal Planet. Or maybe it was in "Jaws." Wherever it came from, the image is there.

Ichthyologists, of course, will say you're being paranoid. You can swim and surf and boogie board with nary a worry at almost any beach on the planet. You are not a seal. Sharks do not want to eat you.

Or do they?

In Images: North America's Top Shark-Attack Beaches

New Smyrna Beach in Volusia County, Fla., is the shark-attack capital of the world, according to a database called the International Shark Attack File. Each year, thousands of people dip their toes and then jump in, stroking past the surf and into a zone that's literally thick with sharks. To date, 210 attacks have been reported there.

"Most people who have swum in and around New Smyrna have been within 10 feet of a shark in their lifetime," says George Burgess, an ichthyologist and fisheries biologist at the University of Florida who maintains the International Shark Attack File (ISAF).

North America is home to dozens of beaches like New Smyrna, where swimmers and sharks intermix even though the humans may never know it. When the rare attack happens, Burgess says, it's usually a predatory mistake. "In the surf zone, where many attacks happen, sharks need to make quick decisions," he says. "Humans on surfboards — hands splashing, feet kicking — can trigger a shark to think there's trouble or a wounded animal, and it looks like an easy meal."

With its thousands of miles of coastlines and millions of beachgoers, the United States sees more shark-human interaction than any other country. Search the ISAF database and you'll find incidents at beaches from South Carolina to Oregon. There are so many reports, in fact, that California, Florida, Hawaii, North Carolina, and Texas each have dedicated sections in the "Stats, Trends, Analysis" area. In Northern California, seal populations draw great white sharks like flies to fertilizer. When surfers suit up at places like Bolinas Beach and Stinson Beach, they're catching waves in one of the world's most dangerous predator's habitat. Patric Douglas, owner of Shark Diver, an ocean guiding outfit in San Francisco, calls Stinson "the granddaddy of all shark beaches." He says, "It's common to see 18-footers buzz by surfers bobbing in the waves."

On the North Shore of Oahu, Hawaii, tiger and hammerhead sharks mix with dolphins and humpback whales. There are dozens of popular surf beaches here, including Velzyland Beach and the Leftovers Break to name just two. Though untold thousands surf and swim here each year without incident, attacks do occur. And at Kahana in West Maui, (not North American, but American) tiger sharks are known to roam. But according to Laleh Mohajerani, executive director of the shark conservation organization Iemanya Oceanica, sharks are not looking to interfere with humans in the water. Our shark-attack fears are irrational.

"You are more likely to be hit by lightning," she says.

Indeed, there's no arguing the numbers. Of the hundreds of millions of people who enter the ocean each year, almost none are touched.

For 2007, the ISAF cites 50 attacks at U.S. beaches, most of which resulted in minor bite marks and puncture wounds that needed nothing more than a few sutures. "Many attacks are hit and runs — a quick bite and away," says Burgess. "Few sharks re-attack, as they release the foot or calf after realizing it's not their normal food."

Even in the Bahamas, where the warm water attracts large tiger sharks, the ISAF records fewer than 10 attacks over the last several decades. Unfortunately for the shark advocates, one fatal attack occurred in February 2008, prompting a new round of fears.

But for most people, fiery emotions override even the coldest numbers. A single scary story — be it on the news or in an effects-heavy Hollywood production — will destroy the efforts of hundreds of scientists trying to communicate on research and logic.

"The common public perception today of a shark is that of a man-eater," says Burgess. "We have an innate fear for big predators and natural forces we can't control."

In Images: North America's Top Shark-Attack Beaches

Thanks to thousands of annual beachgoers and untold toothy predators hunting offshore, New Smyrna is the shark attack capital of the world. That's according to the International Shark Attack File, which cites 210 attacks in the beach's home county of Volusia, Fla. But miles of white sand and consistent surf breaks continue to draw vacationers and locals alike into New Smyrna's waters.

Number two on the International Shark Attack File for unprovoked attacks is Oahu, where tiger sharks, Galapagos sharks and sandbar sharks congregate in high numbers, especially near beaches on the island's north shore. This doesn't stop surfers, who flock to Velzyland Beach, the Leftovers Break and dozens of additional wave-beaten beaches where sharks search and swim.

Thanks in large part to Jaws, great white sharks inspire unparalleled fear when it comes to swimming in the ocean. At Bolinas Beach, a secluded town with a namesake beach that's just north of San Francisco, 15-foot-long beasts and known to dwell under the waves where surfers play.

In the past 100 years, there have been 90 reported shark confrontations on beaches in this county on Florida's east coast. Visitors head east from Orlando to the ocean to dip toes in the tepid waters at Cocoa Beach, Jetty Park and Klondike Beach, a 24-mile-long wilderness beach accessible only by foot in Canaveral National Seashore preserve.

The deep blue water of Kahana Beach, near its namesake town on the west cost of Maui, is home to sea turtles, humpback whales and… tiger sharks. Laleh Mohajerani, executive director of the shark conservation organization Iemanya Oceanica, says the massive predators swim near the protective offshore reef that makes the beach a popular swimming spot.

Though it didn't happen at a beach, the death of an Austrian lawyer who was diving with sharks in February off the Bahamas has focused attention on these tropical waters. Patric Douglas, owner of Shark Diver, an ocean guiding outfit in San Francisco, says they're "among the shark-iest places on the planet." He's personally seen 14-foot-long tiger sharks off the beaches where millions of tourists swim and sunbathe each year.

In the shadow of Marin County's Mt. Tamalpais, great white sharks come to swim in the shallows of Stinson Beach. Patric Douglas has sighted them at this beach—which is a neighboring stretch of sand eastward of Bolinas Beach (also on this list, in the number three spot)—in less than 20 feet of water. "They're coming to feed on seals, though it's not uncommon for surfers to see them," he says.

The International Shark Attack File reports three unprovoked attacks in the waters off Baja California Sur over the past decades. But the beaches of La Paz—a harbor city of 190,000 people—are relatively safe, despite the hammerheads and giant whale sharks that swim nearby. The latter is a filter feeder that's the largest fish species on Earth, and a resident of these waters.

Peter Benchley's original 1974 novel, "Jaws," was inspired by incidents at this New Jersey beach in 1916. In an unprecedented 11 days, five major shark attacks took place along the Jersey Shore, four of which were fatal. Reports cited blood turning the water red and sharks following victims toward the beach. Today, shark sightings are rare, but the legend lives on in the surf and swells of these tepid Atlantic waters.

WOW! COOL! I've been tagged twice in same week!

2008-04-20T23:45:00.004-07:00

Thanx cuz Wendy :) I love it! Yay! Thank you for thinking of me ;)

Rules:
a. Write 6 habits/facts about yourself!
b. Tag 6 new people, go to their blog invite them to read your blog, have them tag 6 new people and list those people on their post!!

Ok so here goes...
1) I have to have clean hands. I cannot stand anything sticky on my hands or anything gooey etc. And I have a thing about when using public restrooms, which I wouldn't if I could avoid them altogether, but sometimes impossible...and also as my mom has always teased me, she says and questions, "why do you always have to gift wrap the toilet seat?!" She says it takes me too long in the bathroom and she really can't stand waiting for me. (what's an extra few seconds, jeesh) I tell ya, I don't know how people sit on those darn toilets and only the darn object itself knows how many behinds have sat upon it, ew... I just can't place my bare behind on such a thing... and even touching the doors with my hands grosses me out. I practically race to the sink to rid any grotesque germs people have left behind. I even cringe upon touching the sink handle to turn it on/off... nor am I able to open the door to the bathroom without using a handtowel to do so and then gently toss into the trash the towel used. I'm finicky about having clean hands because I know most germs on the hands are what cause illnesses, or even the simple cold or flu. And I soooooooo always catch everything because of my asthma. So I'm super precautious anyway. I know I'm weird about this. And yet, Wendy, you're not the only one who hates cleaning lol. I'm right there with ya, and anything that has a door/cupboard etc... is off limits to guests -lol. I've become better over time, but I'm really good at fast cleaning before guests arrive etc. For years, I've always told everyone I'd have a maid someday too. Hee hee. Gosh, wish I could afford one now. Oh and additionally with the topic of hand cleaning, I even carry purell in my purse lol. I have clorox hand wipes at my desk at work, and one at home. I totally gasped laughing while watching the movie Nim's Island when Jodie Foster (I forget her character name) is at the airport and she has purell in her bag... not to mention everywhere at her home.

2) No matter when, where or how... anytime I'm wearing a white shirt or white pants/skirt etc... never fails - I always -yep ALWAYS, spill some sort of food item or drink or ink or whatever on it! I should be banned from wearing the color white at any time. Lol. And I'm really good at somehow always landing this goo right on my left boob! I don't know how I manage it, but I do. And people just laugh, cuz they know... I always do it. I carry that darn TIDE marker with me because of it lol. It has saved many a white clothing items for me. LOL. Yay for TIDE!

3) I am also a creature of habit when it comes to eating out. I like to eat at the same places regularly. I walk in to the same places and I am always recognized and it is known what I want to order. I know this is common for some people and I realize a lot of times moreso at a bar, and ordering a particular drink... but what about an actual food place and just as walking through the door, the person behind the counter calls out, "number eleven -right?" with a huge grin! And I just laugh and say YEP! I like the same food items at so many of the same places, that a dear friend of mine, brings me lunch pretty regularly... YEP he's single if any of you pretty gals out there are interested... lol. And he is always asking me to set him up... tee hee... but he always brings me lunch... and exactly as I like it. He can go to a number of places now and knows exactly what to order for me and half the time he just surprises me now with lunch and it's one of the items I prefer. Tee hee. Sometimes it's a great blessing to be so particular and routine. Hee hee. :) He can go to subway and get the same exact sub the way I like it, cuz it never changes, or go to Wendy's and bring me the same taco salad I've always ordered... or stop at any Sonic and get the hamburger the way I like it... etc. As well as any mexican restaurant and he knows what I like, how about that? I know again I'm weird. hee hee.

4) Funny/odd, Wendy that you would mention Vegan... as I once considered becoming Vegan too. I do like some things a bit too much to go 100% Vegan... but I would like to try some of the dishes etc. I like a lot of vegetarian dishes, but I do like some meats too. I just limit the amount of meat I consume, and eat it very sparingly. But I like it enough to not go without it entirely. And like you, I LOVE cheeses of almost every kind. I even like goat cheese too. I soooooo LUV cheese and wine together. Esp red wine. Mmmm. I luv luv luv baked brie cheese with red wine, jams/crackers/fruits. OH my gosh, my girlfriends and I used to have our regular nights of watching Sex in the City and our glasses of wine and cheeses/crackers/jams/fruits etc... and it was a FUN evening of class and charm. We loved it! I'm hooked on brie ever since. I also love all different kinds of cheeses, I just have to be sure and take a dairy chew pill to help keep from feeling awful since I'm discovering some lactose issues internally. I won't ever give up cheese! :)

5) Me time. I must schedule "me time" at least once during a week or I go berserk! Just ask my sweet man or any of my girlfriends -lol. I am very social etc, but if I don't have any "me time" scheduled, I start to stress big time. I must have at least a candlelit bath/with a glass of red wine at least once in a while, and/or time to read or visit a library... or just go for a walk/run etc. Exercise does me wonders of good for my whole well-being. I need, yes need, yoga time, or meditation of some sort, or some sort of veg time to refill my cup of worth or whatever one would call it. If my cup is empty, I have nothing to give... to anyone. I need time to refill my spirit of well-being, spirituality, mentality, emotionality -whatever. I need serenity in my life to feel complete with myself. A sort of ZEN in my life. I must have peace/serenity to separate myself from the chaos in the world we live. I too, enjoy a good bike ride in the mountains, or road biking. Anything in nature brings peace to my soul. When Tony and I went to the mountains last weekend for a get-away from all the city craziness... it was awesome! I need that once in a while and it helps me to recoup and revitalize my soul. I was able to clear my head and feel in charge of my life again. It was beautiful and refreshing.

6) OK, I've listed refined comments, common comments, uncommon comments etc... now I'm going to end with one of those mouth dropping comments, because I like doing stuff like that too. Tee hee. I still giggle like a little girl when someone farts. I can't help it. I'm as bad as Jack on Will & Grace whenever he hears the word "penis" (no offense anyone) but I do. I just laugh. Someone can be in a stall next to me or a few stalls down and I hear one of those "toots" and I can't hold in the giggles. Even when I let one good one out etc. I'm such a stinker for that. I had a fun conversation with a friend at work... we giggled and giggled at our desks while we emailed each other back and forth on this topic alone. I love the topic! I can go on and on and on about it. I love the emails that talk about the varied types of farts etc. I can't help it. They make me giggle. I was over at my boyfriend Tony's and reading my emails... and just giggling and giggling and giggling... it was making him laugh. He couldn't help himself, he was soooooooo curious what was making me laugh. I told him he'd think it was stupid and not worth mentioning. Well that sky-rocketed his curiosity even more. Esp as I kept giggling more and more. So I finally told him and he just rolled his eyes and smirked while shaking his head. I told him, "I told you, you would think it was stupid!" I couldn't help myself though... I'm still a young girl at heart. (wink wink)

OK, Wendy, here you have it.... this was fun... I could keep going... but I'll stop here as this was a list of 6 items. Thanx for the FUN! OK, well since you already tagged me and already did your 6 ... hmmm, who do I tag next? My bro, Spencer - My sister-n-law, Merrianne - and anyone else who'd like to join in the fun! I don't really have anyone else to tag... since I don't blog with many others than you, Wendy, and my bro/Merrianne...so hey Merrianne, you tag your family members and friends for me k!

I was tagged by Merrianne -thanx girlie! :)

2008-04-19T23:55:00.005-07:00

Hey Hey I was tagged by Merrianne!

Hey---I TAGGED YOU!! YOU'RE IT! :)

List:
1. What were you doing 10 Years Ago?
2. 5 Things on your To Do list.
3. What would you do if you were suddenly a Billionaire?
4. Favorite Snack Foods
5. Places you have lived.
6. Favorite Quote (s)

Luv Ya Girly :)MErrianne

i left one thing off of that list--- List 5 of your favorite things to eat (besides the snacks)I am looking forward to reading yours :)LuvYa!

Ok so here are my answers...
1. Hmmm, what was I doing 10 yrs ago? That would be Apr 20, 1998... and probably a time period I'd rather not remember. So, ummm sorry nothing positive to write about this time period that I can think of. I remember only a couple weeks after this I went to Vegas to see my best friend, the love of my life, marry someone else... so, I was not happy at this time. Needless to say I didn't even make it to the family dinner, wedding, or anything of it. I was pretty depressed. A lot of other things started to fall apart in my life at this time. Sorry, no happy memories, sniff sniff. (It was a sad period)

2. 5 Things on my To Do List... (1) Get moved out of my apt, (2) find a place to live, (3) save money for school for next year, (4) Lose weight/get in shape again- to feel better about my health etc, and (5) Live without fear and follow my dream to do make-up.

3. What would I do if I was suddenly a billionaire...first I'd breathe and sigh, probably cry for awhile, and take care of all debt. Then I'd want to play for awhile. Buy a home. Disappear and go visit places in the world I've never been to... including places where family and friends are living. I'd go to school and learn, learn, learn. It would be nice to be able to go to school full time and not have to worry about bills. I'd invest a bit of it to secure my future. I'd give a few close friends and a couple family members some money to help them. I'd also like to hire a personal trainer to guide me in my health/exercise to be in better health/shape physically etc.

4. My favorite snack foods...well, I like most food...and depends on where I'm at in life. Lately I've been eating a lot of junk food. When I get super stressed I eat like a horse. When I'm in healthier condition, I eat different snacks. When it comes to junk food, I enjoy sweets. I LOVE chocolate. I like cookies, etc... but I also enjoy all veggies... fruits etc. I love celery, carrots, anything crunchy that I can dip in something, or eat plain. I also love blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, peaches, apples, etc. I also enjoy ice cream on occasion. I don't really eat it much anymore because the dairy doesn't sit well with me anymore. So I enjoy a yummy pie, cobbler, whatever. Oh, I know, I cannot turn down a brownie for the life of me. I love brownies esp right out of the oven. I can't tell ya how many times I've burnt the top of my mouth because I had to eat one right out of the oven while super gooey - mmmm yum. I prefer plain brownies... no frosting. Maybe a bit of powder sugar on top...but otherwise the plainer the better. :)

5. Places I have lived...uh oh, Merrianne I think I have you beat on the number of different places I've lived... I can't remember all the addresses... so I'll list the cities (since there are multiple locations in multiple cities lol) (1) Glendale/Phoenix, (2) Mesa AZ, (3) South Tempe AZ, (4) North Scottsdale AZ, (5) and mission...two different ones: Minnesota - Plymouth, Alexandria, Arden Hills/St Paul, (6) Michigan - Monroe, Dearborn, and Pontiac, and (7) one summer in Modesto CA.

6. Favorite Quote: I have lots of favorite quotes, but I don't memorize them so I'll have to come back and fill this in later... I like inspiring quotes. Quotes that make one think and ponder. I like quotes that influence one to do good/be better. Anything philosophical. Quotes by Ghandi, Mother Teresa, influential people... anything that one can personally relate to/with. I like quotes by Einstein.

A few quotes below by Henry Miller:
I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.

A balance between self and others.

Zen in its essence is the art of seeing into the nature of one's own being.

It is impossible to exist without affecting others in both positive and negative ways.

For a conscious being, to exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.
(Henry Miller)

Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.--Albert Einstein

It is never too late to be what you might have been.--George Eliot

7. Favorite things to eat... I love all food... probably easier to list what I don't like haha... I don't like bacon (ew), liver, not a big fan of ham, but sometimes I surprise even myself and want it once in a blue moon, I like onions but my stomach doesn't agree with them... I really like sushi, seafood, mexican, thai, hungarian, middle eastern foods, chinese, sometimes italian, i love subway subs... i like chicken wings, a hamburger once in a while with fries of course, and maybe 1-2 times a year I'll eat red meat - a nice medium done steak... otherwise, I do like meat/potatoes, I like Cracker Barrel, I love lamb/couscous, etc (moroccan food) When it comes to pizza I've always preferred chicago style (super thick bread) and recently I've discovered brooklyn style pizza and totally luv it!...I'm pretty easy to please. lol.

Busy busy...

2008-04-15T00:02:00.004-07:00

Hi Y'all...

It's moving time for me! So I'm busy packing, looking for a room for rent, closing ties with all responsibilities etc... ugh... so much to do in such short time! This is why I haven't been posting, commenting, etc etc!

Haven't lost touch with y'all... just trying to get important responsibilities taken care of and completed.

UHaul is reserved for this Saturday... transporting all my furniture etc to storage unit. Still packing etc. Lots to do...

Luv2Y'all,
Hugz,
Christy

Something to remember ~

2008-04-08T11:07:00.002-07:00

"People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; BE KIND ANYWAY. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; SUCCEED ANYWAY. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; BUILD ANYWAY. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; BE HAPPY ANYWAY The good you do today, people will forget tomorrow; DO GOOD ANYWAY. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU’VE GOT ANYWAY. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY."

~Mother Teresa

"Fall in LOVE or fall in hate. Get INSPIRED or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Speak the TRUTH or lie and cheat. DANCE on tables or sit in the corner. Life is DIVINE chaos. EMBRACE it. FORGIVE yourself. BREATHE. And ENJOY THE RIDE....."

~Solbeam

YAY My fave show is back ARMY WIVES

2008-03-27T23:33:00.020-07:00

From the creator of this video: This is my VERY FIRST video I've ever made. I love the song Far Away but I hated the video that came out for it. I always though it sounded more like a military song. So I made it into one using clips from Army Wives, my fav show of the moment. I'm an Air Force Wife myself so the show really relates to me. I hope you all love it as much as I do.

Another beautiful one:

From the creator of this video: this is a vid about Roxy and how she feels when Trevor is deployed. I know the song is about death but i used it for Roxy missing Trevor. The Sepia Tone clips are memories about the couple.
music:Slipped away by Avril Lavigne

Pamela's 'have at it' speech ;)

I sooooooooo love Pam & Chase too on Army Wives:

After learning that Denise's son hits her, Roxy teaches Denise to box (This is one of my fave eps)

Pamela & Roxy give Denise a makeover (I LUV THIS ONE)

WooHoo, YAY Denise!

Denise tells everyone to leave...

Frank is alive

Army Wives FINALE (last season)

E-News re: Army Wives

INTERESTED? segment of Episode 1 part1 (Just under 10min)

segment of Episode 1 part2 (Just under 10min)

segment of Ep 1 part3 (Just under 10min)

segment of Ep 1 part4 (Just under 10min)

Reading

2008-03-27T22:44:00.010-07:00

This week, I finished ECLIPSE by Stephenie Meyer (3rd in current TWILIGHT trilogy) and I must say it was quite enjoyable. I'm really looking forward to the first movie. The characters are full of intrigue and lively. I'm sure I would've finished this book much sooner had I not had such a busy and full week.

I've already started my next book: THE SWORD OF SHANNARA by Terry Brooks (1st in original series published in 1977) curious to learn more? Check out more info at Terry Brooks' site here or here and more at other readers' sites here or at one of my favorite informative sites here.

This is my luv Tony's favorite author. He has almost all of his books. T being as picky as he is when it comes to reading and his likes -my curiosity has risen and I had to get my own copy of the first of the series in all his series...so the adventure begins... I will give a report when I finish. I started this book tonight at work and I'm two chapters into it and already I'm enjoying it. If you enjoy JRR Tolkien or CS Lewis etc... Star Wars... then I'm learning that this is the author to become familiar with. So here I am joining the thousands of other fans of this author and his stories and embarking upon the journey as well. ;)

Do you enjoy reading as much as I do? What are you currently reading? Please share...

Beautifully talented and gifted

2008-03-25T03:45:00.003-07:00

Thank you Tina for sharing this with me ;)

5yr old, blind, genius pianist TRULY AMAZING & pay attention particularly to the last song performed and sung by the pianist, magnificently beautiful

Tribute - Will & Grace (my show-tee hee) I soooooo Luv it!!

2008-03-25T00:22:00.028-07:00

Let's Dance -Will & Grace (I sooooo luv this show, and all their dancin' too)

Soooo luv it!

Jack teaches Karen to dance LOL

UNFORGETTABLE (Jack & Karen) Sooooo luv these 2!

Similar/but different UNFORGETTABLE (Jack & Karen) had to post this one too ;)

Great moments -Will & Grace ;)

Funny moments -Will & Grace

I'm too sexy -(Jack & Karen) the show wouldn't be the same without 'em ;) LOL

Gotta luv the clips hahahahahah (darn music attached tho, if I could take that off I surely would)

LMAO big time, I luv this one... couldn't leave this one out lol

Of course what is a show without the BLOOOOOOPERS! (here's season7) (hey what can I say, it's my fave curse word, at least it's "bleeped" ...tee hee)

More Bloopers (season6) *Notice, the "STAY VERRRVICKLY STILL" line (past halfway thru this clip)... that was one of my all time fave eps -Luv Luv LUV IT!

Season4 Bloopuhs... (even I was super impressed on the ep where Karen is locked in the elevator and rambled off all that shpeel and to see it on the bloopers makes me totally giggle) LUVVVVVV IT ;)

Call me addicted, I already know lol -beeeeloooopers3
(the ep with Jack slurrpin coffee & in this ep he already supposedly had like 10 prior and speaking 100mph totally had me on the floor! Luv seein' it on the gag reel!)

Indeed, these are outta order, SOOOO? LOL I have to admit I think I've now seen not only all of the eps of all seasons, lol, but multiple times tee hee ;)

BLOOOOOPERS with stars! Yaaaah Madonna and Demi start it off... woohoo!

By golly I can't stop...just posting & posting & posting more of W&G... my fave show!

Last one I promise...

Ok I lied, W&G on THE VIEW

W&G on THE VIEW2

W&G saying G'bye

G'nite Gracie (W&G)

- Continued -

W&G on Ellen Degeneres (I luv luv luved that ep too where they talk about the boob episode -bra made with water)

Stephenie Meyer's THE HOST book tour/signing

2008-03-23T16:40:00.016-07:00

Update: The Host has an official on-sale date of May 6, 2008!

The Host: A Novel (Hardcover)by Stephenie Meyer (Author)
Save at AMAZON.COM List Price:$25.99 Price:$16.49
Details You Save: $9.50 (37%)
Special Offers Available
Save an extra 5% on all Books pre-orders. Details
Availability: This title will be released on May 6, 2008. Pre-order now! Ships from and sold by Amazon.com. Gift-wrap available.

Stephenie Meyer's Book Tour & Signing INFO
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 6:00 p.m.
Changing Hands Bookstore
6428 S. McClintock Dr., Tempe, AZ 85283
480.730.0205
TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW!
Ticketed event held at Marcos De Niza High School Cafeteria,
6000 S. Lakeshore Drive, Tempe, AZ 85283.

Purchase your copy of The Host at Changing Hands Bookstore ($25.99) and receive one ticket to the event for just $5.

For book sales and tickets please contact Changing Hands Bookstore 480.730.0205, http://www.changinghands.com/ or visit the bookstore (6428 S. McClintock Dr., Tempe, AZ 85283 ). Doors open at 5:00 p.m.

PLEASE READ THROUGH THE EVENT GUIDELINES CAREFULLY
You must have a ticket to attend any of the events, there is limited capacity for every event so get your tickets early as events are bound to sell out (except Mall of America where we are not restricting attendance).

Please note the date to obtain tickets for each location as it varies for every event.

Each ticket for the event requires the purchase of The Host (price details for each event are included below).

Stephenie's presentation will begin with a discussion on The Host and then answer questions which have been pre-selected from questions submitted at the event (fans will have a chance to write down questions when they arrive at the venue — this is on a first come, first serve basis, she will not be able to get to all questions).

Stephenie will only personalize copies of The Host (personalize means puts your name in the book, i.e. "To Sarah").

She will only autograph 2 books in the Twilight Saga per customer (except for the Mall of America event where she is only signing The Host).

Stephenie will only sign books — no posters, t-shirts, etc.

You may take pictures during the presentation, but no photos are allowed during the autographing

If you can not attend these events, many of the stores are taking orders for The Host and you can order a signed copy, call the stores for more details.

PHISHING, damn phishers!

2008-03-23T16:22:00.002-07:00

Hi Y'all,

I'm attaching a link here that I feel is worth your time to read and become more familiar.

This link informs us about "phishing" -this has happened to me. I am well aware of it, because I have done lots of reading about it after it happened to me. I also had to purchase a new computer because of this, losing a lot of valuable information and files etc. and many other issues that came because of it.

I'm a bit familiar with it and would like to share with you a little more about it so you are also aware. Please take the time to click on the attachment and read the blog posted by Tom on MySpace. He mentions "phishing" explaining what it is and what people are doing out there to cause all sorts of chaos about advertisements and where those advertisements take the viewer etc... and how to protect ourselves from it. It is something that happens without the sender's awareness and therefore appears to have been sent by the sender to the sender's friends etc, when in fact that is not the case.

I hope this is helpful to you all.

My luv,
Christy